Reaction & Commentary
But I was alone I was the only black person in the restaurant and in the 90s that felt very uncomfortable now I tend to enjoy it at this age I was having dinner with my agents celebrating a deal that they told me was lucrative but I later learned [ __ ] sucked
And suddenly a group of women walked by every race was in that group black white asian Latina White white and white again they were all gorgeous I watched them walk by then I saw a familiar face Al Collins couldnβt believe what I saw and then close behind him was O.J Simpson
Newly released from jail the restaurant fell still I was shocked I didnβt mean to say it out loud but it just came out okay he stopped turn around and see who said it saw my black face and correctly assumed it was me [Applause] I was sitting in the corner of the booth
He leaned over all the white people I was having dinner with and shook my hand how are you young man he looked in my eyes and I could see in his eyes that he didnβt remember meeting me the first time and then he walked away
And I look back at my agents and all of them had nothing short of disgust on their faces and the only one with the courage to voice their disgust was a woman named Sharon who used to represent me how could you she said how could you shake hands with that murderer
I said Jim with all due respect that murderer ran for over 11 000 yards [Applause] now I could be bitter and blame all the police but now Iβll tell you who I blame itβs those [ __ ] sketch artists they keep drawing the same brother though and over again
Who is this generic man we all look like I want to know what they say when itβs us you donβt really be in that room like did you get a look do you see the guy that tried to rob you yes yes I heβs about 6
Iβd say six feet tall yes he had his hat on backwards too good thatβs good stuff hit was on backwards yes it was black okay big lips big nose dick hanging out say no more sir Iβll drone from memory you know let me get my stencil I think
We can trace this guy and save some time the only thing and I society that bothers me the most is the way that men and women donβt get along no more thatβs really whatβs bugging me about it men and women just donβt get along like
I hear women say this all the time I know a lot of your sister be like chivalry is dead donβt you donβt yβall feel that way like men arenβt gentlemen anymore thatβs right chivalry is dead and women killed it [Applause] as a fundamental difference in the way
Weβre going to see things weβre not going to see eye out on this issue we just now our test in life are different a womanβs test in life is material a manβs test in life is a woman Now by test I mean that those are the
Things that we desire men have nice cars not because they like nice cars because they know women like nice cars thatβs how it goes because men are Hunters and the cars debate and a woman comes and says ooh nice Porsche gotcha [ __ ] thatβs how it is
Thatβs true come on now you go to a womanβs house or house be comfortable and [ __ ] women love comfortable surroundings so men get comfortable surroundings let me tell you something if a man can [ __ ] a woman in a cardboard box he wouldnβt buy a house but thatβs still not where chivalry got
Killed chivalry got killed by the feminist movement on the magazines that got women going crazy because women got too much advice about men from other women and they donβt know what the [ __ ] they talking about [Applause] and itβs true I see this [ __ ] in the magazines I donβt read them but Iβve
Been seeing the cover I look at every in the grocery store fellas he looked one of the magazines like what is this and itβs gonna cover a hundred ways to please your man by some lady get out of here ainβt no hundred way that list is four things long just suckers dick papers
Balls and then fix them a sandwich and donβt talk so much and everything happens thank you [Applause] and then the magazines tricked the women the magazine stopped picking at your self-esteem every page you turn you start feeling fatter and uglier and you feel like your clothes arenβt good
Enough and the magazines have you forgetting how [ __ ] beautiful you are and thatβs what happens now look what happens and then you forget how beautiful you are and we all suffer if [ __ ] was a stock it would be plummeting right now because you flooded the market with it
Youβre giving it away too easy this is Iβm just being truthful Iβm just talking it would plummet weβve been watching those today [ __ ] plummeted again on the nasty snack gold is up 10 points [Applause] you can see it you ever have this happen this is how confusing it is this this is
The practical application of what Iβm talking about like a guy be out itβs having a lot guys youβll be out of Club all right heβs kicking with your boys and and a girl walks by and man she looks good she looks good not good in that classical way
I mean you know Iβm talking good like she got half her ass hanging out her skirt her titties are all mashed together popping out the top of her turtleneck and [ __ ] [Applause] and he was your buddies right you with your buddies you got a couple drinks in
You and your secret ideas you might try to talk to it it might not come out right now I donβt know what you say but damn look at them titties [Applause] wait a minute just because Iβm dressed this way does not make me a [ __ ] which is true
Gentlemen that is true just because they dress a certain way doesnβt mean they are a certain way donβt ever forget it but ladies you must understand that that is [ __ ] confusing just ends now that would be like me Dave Chappelle the comedian walking around the streets in a cop uniform
Somebody might run up on me oh thank God officer help us come on theyβre over here help us oh just because Iβm dressed this way mentally a police officer [Applause] you understand what Iβm saying I was like all right lady bye fine you are not a [ __ ]
But you are wearing a horse uniform Iβll tell you that surprise no misunderstandings can happen and then man we misunderstand living a lot you know we we always undermine their feelings you canβt do that to them you canβt because see feelings are you see how they clapping feelings are very important to
Women they are all important Iβm just learning this [ __ ] everythingβs based on how they feel you can hear when they tell stories you ever told him Lantos story itβd be just facts who what when where why it was me and Bob we was at Safeway then that
[ __ ] Bob said this and I punched that [ __ ] and then I broke out thatβs the storm foreign [Applause] women tell stories and all these feelings and well first of all you have to understand I was on my period And I just talked to my mother so I wasFeeling like theyβre like ah damn itβs too many feelings what the [ __ ] happened you do it but I gotta talk about them youβve got to talk about them thatβs how they always get me Iβve been sitting there watching TV chilling and [ __ ] my old lady come up to me David
We need to talk [ __ ] I donβt say that out loud thatβs how I feel inside [Applause] because I know every time we need to talk we need to talk about some [ __ ] that I gotta do we donβt ever have to talk about anything she needs to do [Applause] she leaves me defenseless
I have to do what I have to do David we need to talk donβt do that to me David this is serious stop talking in that voice now say I gotta do this youβre goddamn sick of it this is the worst time ever to be a celebrity youβre gonna be finished everyoneβs doomed
Michael Jackson has been dead for 10 years and this [ __ ] has two new cases [Applause] and if you havenβt watched that documentary uh then Iβm begging you donβt watch it itβs [ __ ] gross I felt like HBO was sticking baby dicks in my ears before I was straight really nasty [ __ ]
I want to know all these things turns out uh Michael Jackson allegedly likes a long Gander at the anus as they said he stands in peopleβs buttholes thatβs what they said thatβs how gross the documentary was Iβm gonna say something that Iβm not allowed to say but I gotta be real
I donβt believe these [ __ ] I do not believe it let me qualify the statement I I am whatβs known on the streets as a victim blamer You know I mean somebody come up to me like Dave Dave Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna Iβll be like well what does she do [Applause] dang dang itβs molester children well what were those kids wearing at the time [Applause] I donβt think it did it
But you know what even if he did do it you know what I mean you know what I mean I mean itβs Michael Jackson I know more than half the people in this room have been molested in their lives but it wasnβt no goddamn Michael Jackson wasnβt
Kid got his dick sucked by the King of Pop all we get is awkward thanksgivings for the rest of our lives you know how good it must have felt to go to school the next day after that [ __ ] hey Billy how was the weekend how was my weekend Michael Jackson sucks my dick
[Applause] and that was my first sexual experience if Iβm starting here then boom skyβs the limit [Applause] I know it seems harsh but man somebodyβs got to teach these kids thereβs no such thing as a free trip to Hawaii heβs going to want to look at your butthole or something [Applause]You know why I donβt believe it you know I donβt believe it because Michael Jacksonβs out here doing all this molesting that then why not Macaulay Culkin hmm Macaulay Culkin stayed in an interview that Michael Jackson never did anything inappropriate with him or even around him think about that [ __ ] you know
Iβm not a pedophile but if I was Macaulay Culkinβs the first kid Iβm [ __ ] Iβll tell you that right now [Applause] Iβd be a goddamn hero hey that guy over there [ __ ] a kid from Home Alone and you know how hard he is to catch [Applause] All Our Stars man
R Kelly pissed on his victim I know itβs rough I mean again I canβt even judge R Kelly first of all we donβt know if these allegations are true and not even if they are true if you want to know how I feel about it honestly
If a man cannot pee on his fans I want to be in show business anymore because well thatβs why I got in the game baby I got dreams too you guys are confusing the issue why you guys are busy worrying about if R Kelly even peed on this girl or not youβre not
Asking yourself the real question that America needs to decide once and for all and that question is how old is 15 really thatβs a good question thatβs a good question Iβm not saying that a person is as smart as theyβre going to be at 15. thatβs not
What Iβm saying man but I am saying 15 to me itβs old enough to decide whether or not you want to be pissed on I mean thatβs me if you canβt make a decision like that by the time youβre 15 and just give up [ __ ] because life is way harder than that
I make tougher decisions all the time if you donβt want to get pissed I wonβt just get the [ __ ] out of the way itβs not even a decision if I stop peeing on the front row theyβre not gonna have to calculate and think of how do I feel
About this am I okay with it they just move thank you you can do that at 15. I could have Iβve been 15 when I was 15. I was doing stand-up and night clubs I smoked rape from time to time friends were selling crack I was trying to finger [ __ ] people
I knew what was happening around me to some degree getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15. trust me but it keeps coming up itβs a lot of confusion around that age anytime 15 comes up people freak out like when that girl Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped
Right remember in Utah last yearβs 15 young girl Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped and then they finally found her and the whole country was relieved and I was the only one saying damn she wasnβt that smart after all not cause she got kidnapped that could happen to anybody Iβm not knocking her
For that Iβm just saying if youβre kidnap me when I was 15 you gotta take me further than eight miles away from my house man God damn canβt hold me prison around [ __ ] I recognize Iβll break away Iβll break away [ __ ] off me [ __ ] thatβs my bus
Stop I know where Iβm at Iβm going home she was missing for six months eight miles away from a house thatβs two exits man thatβs nothing and while she was missing during this half a year that this girl is Missing thereβs a seven-year-old black girl gets kidnapped in Philadelphia
Nobody knows her name they might have talked about it two or three times on the news but she should have been the top story because she chewed through the ropes and had both of these [ __ ] in jail in 45 minutes flat seven years old Iβm not making this up
The two crackheads kidnapped her and took back to the crack house and tied her up and then they left her he said crackheads I gotta make moves crack smoke chocolate to eat these [ __ ] make moves it was out as soon as they left this little girl got the nibbling
Kidnapped at four oβclock and at home watching herself on the news at 5 30. that [ __ ] is crazy thatβs a thatβs a news story itβs a news story now meanwhile in Utah 15 year old Elizabeth Smartβs captains left her alone too and they didnβt even tie her up because theyβre Hillbillies
They just bounced donβt try to escape [ __ ] or weβll kill you be right back sheβs 15 sitting in the house by herself come on Elizabeth think thank Elizabeth how am I gonna get out of here why donβt you just open the [ __ ] door and go outside have you thought about that
Do you have a quarter do you know your phone number your 15 [ __ ] run stop thinking and stop making moves [Applause] I know I sound men and I know what the people are thinking when Iβm saying the stage she is only 15. all right but thatβs the discrepancy because when you
Talk about a little girl like Elizabeth Smart then the country feels like 15 is so young and so innocent on the flip side Here Comes 15 again now we talk about a 15 year old black kid in Florida this black kid accidentally killed his neighbor when heβs practicing wrestling
Moves that he saw on TV now was he a kid no they gave him life they always try out 15 year olds as adults the Snicker knew what he was doing itβs a goddamn pile driver this kid gets on the ropes thereβs no stopping him youβd have to send the rock to arrest
Them and they gave a 15 year old boy life in jail if you think that itβs okay to give him life in jail then it should be legal to pee on him thatβs all Iβm saying you got to make up your mind across the board how old 15 actually is thatβs all Iβm
Saying cause Iβm gonna tell you right now if somebody comes in here and puts a gun in my head and says Chappelle you got a choice to make youβre either going to jail for a month or weβll let you go but you got to let R Kelly pee on you
Iβm not hesitating bringing R Kelly and tell him to stay away from my eyes Iβd rather get pissed on on the outside and [ __ ] the butt on the inside I canβt go to jail with some smooth Botox balls and think everythingβs gonna be all right itβs not that time to place taking my chance with that piss pistol wash off with a 10 minute shower Iβm certain of it itβs coming right out what can I do theyβre gonna put me in jail
Too much pressure thatβs my problem I canβt I canβt handle pressure sometimes pressure make me talk different Iβm serious you ever have like that social pressure talk to somebody whoβs fake and they make you fake like that County like hey how you doing youβre like fine how are you youβre like
I donβt even talk like that [Applause] I get sick of that [ __ ] I do it this makes me sick sometimes Iβll talk crazy just to make myself feel better yo do that and start talking like crazy have you ever hear this voice man thatβs how bad guys used to talk in the 40s
In the old days say I talk like that not all the time but if somebody put the pressure on me [ __ ] it I gotta I gotta cut loose maybe the police pull me over I talk crazy son son do you know why we pulled you over man cause Iβm black see thatβs right
Iβll do it itβs not illegal to talk like that how they know I donβt talk like that every day stop talking like that stop talking like white copper try talk say you gotta make life interesting like that because this [ __ ] is flimsy life is flimsy you think youβre gonna live forever
Itβs dangerous out here we know whatβs going on I travel now you know I used to think DC had the reference ghettos in the country nah [ __ ] I have seen some [ __ ] now oh thereβs some rough rough areas outside of DC and everybody should go to the ghetto I
Was taking it again at one time thatβs the worst when you get taken and youβre not expecting to go you know usually you want to know when youβre going to get her like Iβm going to see some loud [ __ ] I got to prepare myself Iβm going to do something crazy
When youβre taking itβs different I had a limousine driver it was after the show it was late at night it was like three in the morning at limousine drive he was a nice guy talking to me and [ __ ] oh hey where you from dog DC word all right thatβs a rough City man
And his cell phone inside the ring hold on one second hello oh whatβs up [ __ ] what what the [ __ ] slow man what the [ __ ] now now [ __ ] that [ __ ] [ __ ] it Iβm on my way [Applause] I gotta make a stop real quick at three oβclock in the morning I didnβt
Know he was taking me to ghetto at first I started looking at the window I was like what the [ __ ] gun store gun store liquor store Gun Store where the [ __ ] are you taking me just donβt look good he didnβt say [ __ ] just pulled up in front of an old
Rickety building that looked like a project now I never been there before Iβm not sure if it was a project but it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project a [ __ ] crackhead ran this way and then another one jumped out of tree and [ __ ] and I said Iβll be right back
And left me took the keys with me just let me at three oβclock in the morning in front of a project in a [ __ ] limousine this was not good I was like man I gotta look around see if I can see some landmarks and figure out where Iβm at
Might have to escape on foot that is when I knew I was in a bad neighborhood you only see this in the worst neighborhoods remember itβs three oβclock in the morning itβs three oβclock in the morning I look out the window it was a [ __ ] baby standing on a corner foreign [Applause] [Applause]
I donβt trust you either Iβm sorry click the old baby on the corner trick eh Iβm not gonna fall for that [ __ ] cause where is this limousine driver you know I stopped feeling bad time goes by I start feeling worse like man what is wrong with me what the hell
Is wrong Iβm scared of a baby and this baby could be in trouble he might need my help I gotta do something but I wasnβt gonna get out the car Iβm serious man I just cracked the window a little bit thereβs an old limousine I can roll it down [Applause] hey baby
Baby go home man itβs three oβclock in the morning what the [ __ ] are you doing now the baby said Iβm selling weed [ __ ] are those [Applause] I wasnβt expecting it Iβm sorry I had to buy two bags from the combiners yeah back in the car and rolled me a
Joint man that [ __ ] was scary man every once in a while like a crack kid would come up to the car and look in the Windows like Jurassic parking should he be looking all the cars hey get out of here cracky that baby was still standing there man
Thatβs not feeling bad again yeah we make you feel guilty sometimes man what is wrong with me man I have just bought weed from a from an infant I canβt condone this kind of behavior what am I thinking I canβt let the fear ruin my morals gotta do something foreign
Stop selling weed all right you got your whole life ahead of you he said [ __ ] you [ __ ] I got kids to feed you thatβs a guy [Applause] canβt do everything maybe we if youβre gonna do something do a little weed smokes we weβre eating that as bad as everything else
Sweet is a background substance I mean you can smoke some herb and still function and you ainβt crisp but your function nothing higher than weed though I made that mistake one time I was at a party some guy gave me some [ __ ] heβs like here man take this itβs [ __ ] mushrooms
I took it I forgot all about it you know then a couple days later I found that [ __ ] in my pocket Iβm thinking why not because Iβm thinking itβs like we some background [ __ ] I plan my whole day out like it was weed thank you
Iβll chew this [ __ ] up then I go to the barber shop get my hair cut and then Iβll see a movie I chewed it up so far so good then I was in a barber shop like an hour later and itβs funny because I was just thinking to myself I was like oh this stuff sucks tastes like a athleteβs foot I feel sick but Iβm not really high then I looked in the mirror
I saw the Barberβs reflection man it looked like it looked like a big penis was cutting my hair I freaked out I started talking to myself Dave calm down youβre on drugs this is what drugs do okay you know that there is no way better penis can cut hay foreign
Freaking out man I just couldnβt take it anymore I jumped out the chair half my hair was cut I didnβt care I had a thing I just gave a bob a handful of money it was weird the balls opened up anyway I I ran home man I ran home as fast as I
Could tripping tripping I looked at the clock it was 2 42. I was like damn 242. I got a sober upper I never been this high this early I took a shower I was still high said maybe music will do the trick I listened to every CD I had I was still high exercise thatβs what Iβll do I ran around the block four times still high took a nap woke up [ __ ] up
I looked at the clock it was 2 43 I said God damn but thereβs more important reason that I would stop doing comedy right now and this reason is the real reason thatβs been percolating and it really is the crowd not you Iβm talking about
The crowd on the big stage itβs too hard to entertain a country whose ears are so brittle [ __ ] are so sensitive the whole country has turned into [ __ ] ass [ __ ] everything you say upsets somebody but [ __ ] are just taking it too far I donβt know why or how everybody
Got this goddamn sensitive you know who hates me the most the transgender community yeah oh yeah these [ __ ] I mean I didnβt realize how bad it was these [ __ ] I was really mad about that last Netflix special itβs tough man I donβt know what to do about it because because I like them
I always have never had a problem with them you know just [ __ ] around and matter of fact I think I make fun of everybody and I mean as a group of people they have to admit kind of [ __ ] hilarious man Iβm sorry [Applause] but not have a sense of humor about it
Theyβre born feeling like thereβs something other than theyβre born as and thatβs kind of funny you know I mean itβs funny if itβs not happening to you I believe transgenders I donβt understand them either but I know they mean what they say them [ __ ] cut their dicks off
Thatβs all the proof I need Iβve never seen somebody just throw their dick away donβt need it [Applause] I donβt understand but I believe you when I support your decision [ __ ] [Applause] thereβs a problem and thatβs feminist movement isnβt there from its Inception in America thereβs always been a racial component when
Susan B Anthony was having that meeting and Sojourner truthβs black ass showed up read your history books older white women as Sojourner Truth not to speak they didnβt want to conflate the issues of womenβs rights and slavery but you know how black [ __ ] are Sojourner Truth went up there anyway
She did a famous speech she said ainβt I a woman ainβt I a woman thatβs right and and listen listen listen I I supported the metoo movement but but the whole time the whole time I thought that the way they handled that was stupid it was it was white it was like They were doing [ __ ] like going to the Golden Globes and all of them would be like letβs all go to the Golden Globes and wear black dresses to give these men a piece of our minds [ __ ] that is not gonna work you think Martin Luther Kingβs gonna be
Like I want everybody to keep riding the bus but wear matching outfits you got to get off the bus and walk itβs real talk a real talk that was a silly movement I want everybody to wear a crochet to [ __ ] hat so they know weβre serious what the [ __ ] was yβall doing
And then I said something about it in one of my specials and all these women actresses came after me I said man [ __ ] yβall too you canceled I ainβt jerking off to none of your pictures again they were like who is he to tell us anything Iβll tell you exactly who I am
Iβm the one that got off the bus and left 50 million dollars on the bus and walked I agreed with these women I just didnβt agree with what they were doing about Right right no it was annoying as [ __ ] because if these women were serious you know what they would have done they all would have fired their agents and they would have went to the mail room of one of these big agencies and found a woman that was busting her up in
There and said if you want to talk to us and you have to talk to her and if they did that and she would be big and they would be big and nobody would get fed to Harvey Weinstein but did they do that no was that their idea no surprisingly it was mine
When I think the feminist movement needs to be very successful as a male leader [Applause] Iβll do it I will I will lead you women to the promised land I will make sure you get equal pay it will work I will make sure that nobody harasses you or [ __ ] with you on the
Job I will protect all of your interests and all that I ask for in return is that you suck my dick Timmy was one of my first White friends like in my life man itβs a good dude too he moved to Silver Spring from Utah of all places
I guess his family was affiliated with that Mormon church they got down there and me and him used to hang out and one day I was at his house we were just hanging out and Timmy says Dave why donβt you stay for dinner tonight I
Said oh man Iβd love to but I canβt if Iβm not home before dark my mother will kill me that was a lie my mother had several jobs I hadnβt seen her like three or four days and the only reason I lied to Timmy was
Because at that point in my life it was my experience that white dinner wasnβt delicious thank you Iβd rather go home and fry some bologna or some [ __ ] like that [Applause] but then Old Timmy threw me a curveball I wasnβt expecting he said oh itβs too bad you canβt stay Dave cause um
Mama made stove top stuffing at the [ __ ] stove top well hold on [ __ ] let me make some phone calls real quick I had seen that commercial so many times I had dreamed of getting my hands on some of that stovetop stuffer foreign ly I met a [ __ ] that actually
Had a box of stove top in the house I couldnβt miss this opportunity so I pretended to call my mother and then I came back and I said Timmy Timmy youβre not going to believe this great news mom said I can stay he said fantastic he said why donβt you come
With me and weβll help set the table and then we can say the blessing I had no interest in setting this motherfuckerβs table or saying these crazy ass Mormon prayers just wanted that God damn stuffing so I told him I said you know what Iβd
Love to help it let me go wash my hands first my plan was simple wash my hands slowly and by the time Iβm done the table will be set the blessing will be said and all that there will be left to do is eat went to the bathroom
I wash my hands very slowly I must have been in there for about 10 minutes and suddenly one of his mothers came to the door [Applause] She was like hi David right I said yes maβam she said Timmy tells me that youβre planning on staying for dinner I said I hope thatβs not a problem maβam she says no itβs no problem in fact weβd love to have you itβs just that we werenβt expecting company and Iβm afraid
Thereβs not enough stove top stuffing for everybody so I kicked her in the [ __ ] [Applause] still didnβt see it coming and thatβs why I make the big boss [Applause] no I feel real bad fools is Indians everybody feels bad for Indians they get dog they get dogged openly because everybody thinks theyβre dead
These [ __ ] are not all dead all right Iβve seen with my own eyes Iβve seen a gathering of 1500 Native Americans they were all gathered in one place the place is called Walmart New Mexico thereβs aliens there I never seen Indians before I wasnβt even sure if
They were Indians itβs [ __ ] up but I asked one of them itβs not nice but I seen them in the sports section looking at bows and arrows I had to say something excuse me [Applause] because I donβt mean to be rude um are you an Indian and he was cool yes
Yes Iβm Indian still didnβt believe him I had to test them to be sure this is [ __ ] up but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket so I balled that [ __ ] up and I threw it on the floor and a single tear came out his asset oh [ __ ]
I had so many questions what tribe are you from I am a Navajo I say a word I studied you in social studies youβre a hunter-gatherer correct I said I guess so thatβs what you wish to call it and why what do you call it he said I am an alcoholic [Applause]
I said well whatβs your name dog he said please dog is my cousin thatβs a good guess my name is running coyote what is your name prin and that [ __ ] called me off guard I mean I didnβt want to say my name was Dave to a [ __ ] named running coyote
Just donβt feel good enough heβs putting me on the spot I said huh my name but oh my nameβs uh black feet I changed the subject forget about me about me whatβs going on with you I want to meet your chief why donβt me you and your Chief me and
Friends get together tonight we could have a real live peace pipe smoking ritual we need to celebrate [ __ ] I thought you were dead and he set it up it was beautiful it was just like I dreamed it was all sitting around the Indians was beating the drum All the Indians came out the back with a long blanket that was folded in half and put in in front of us the long one and bags of weed were all over the blanket Chief walked over the big ones are 50. the little ones are 25
. man those Indians got high as [ __ ] I was baked I told her she was talking I cut them off time out chief sorry to interrupt [ __ ] smash man the weeds too strong Iβm itching this is PCP the spirits have got me Chief the spirits have got me
And the chief threw some water in my face calmed down black face splash I said hey his black feet [ __ ] take it easy black feet youβre welcome to stay amongst me in my tribe for the night until the spirits leave you and they gave me my own TP to sleep in
Which sounds nice I personally felt like it was a little [ __ ] up you know because they all had houses man itβs like why canβt I sleep with yβall in the house and watch TV like I canβt be on this grass all night now I was hanging out with a friend of
Mine heβs a white guy you know we were just hanging out and we were lost in the city you know we were smoking a joint now I donβt know if itβs a coincidence that we were lost and had [ __ ] but my wife brother he was smoking a joint Dave Dave
Itβs the goddamn cops [Applause] Iβm gonna ask them for directions I said chip no chip donβt do it it was too late he was walking over there this man was high as [ __ ] excuse me excuse me sir touch them and [ __ ] excuse me [Applause] you need some information uh
Itβs not confessing things you shouldnβt confess Iβm a little high all I want to know which way is Third Street the Cowboys like hey take it easy youβre on Third Street you better be careful go ahead move it move it thatβs all that happened thatβs the end of the story
Now I know thatβs not amazing to some of you but she has one of these black fellas that [ __ ] is [ __ ] incredible isnβt it talking to the police hi thatβs a waste of weed [Applause] I mean Iβd be scared of talking to the police when Iβm sleepy [ __ ] around get the wrong ideas
Oh my God that [ __ ] was on PCP Johnson I had to use necessary Force you saw him no no no paperwork just just sprinkle some crack on them letβs get out of here thatβs how it is but at the time I didnβt think it was anything racial
About it I was like man chip you got [ __ ] lucky you better be careful but then another time me and Chip are driving now Iβm not driving chip is driving and heβs driving a little crazy heβs been drinking I donβt like to let my friends drive
Drunk but you know I was smoking a joint I couldnβt really say [ __ ] to the ground [Applause] and weβre getting a red light we stop at a red light and the car pulls up next to us and Iβll never forget it chippy looks at me is all drunk and sheβs like Dave
Iβm gonna race them [Applause] I knew it was a bad idea but I was high I tried to explain them it was a bad idea but all that came out well [ __ ] sometimes you got a race I donβt know foreign [Applause] Iβm scared of [ __ ] I mean come on the
Car smells like weed Iβm in speeding this man is [ __ ] drunk Iβm scared chip was not scared at all it was weird he didnβt turn his radio down and it was weird a little bit I mean if you get pulled over once you turn your radio down nobody wonβt get
Their ass beat to a soundtrack and [ __ ] Iβm saying chip had the music blasting Weβre Not Gonna attack one of the ways to do just relax close your butt cheeks relax [Applause] let me do the talking you wanna know what he said is almost exactly what he said
I couldnβt believe it he says oh oh sorry officer I I didnβt know I couldnβt do that I was [ __ ] shocked the cop said well now you know get out of here just get the [ __ ] out of here [Applause] she said okay Ella I will sir thank you what
Whatβs wrong with you Dave I didnβt know I couldnβt do that he said that was good wasnβt it because I did know I couldnβt do that βll be real with you and I know nobody gives a [ __ ] what I think anyway uh Iβm not for abortion oh shut up [ __ ] [Applause]
Iβm not for it but Iβm not against it either foreign on who I get pregnant I donβt care Iβll tell you right now I donβt care what your religious beliefs are anything if you have a dick you need to shut the [ __ ] up on this one seriously [Applause] this is theirs
The right to choose is their unequivocal rights not only do I believe they have the right to choose I believe that they shouldnβt have to consult anybody except for a position about how they exercise that right gentlemen that is fair and ladies to be fair to us
I also believe if you decide to have the baby a man should not have to pay thatβs fair if you can kill this [ __ ] I can at least abandon them itβs my money my choice [Applause] and if Iβm wrong then perhaps weβre wrong letβs figure that [ __ ] out for yourselves [Applause]
I mean really uh what the [ __ ] are we doing I canβt live in this new world youβre proposing and meanwhile while weβre worrying about all this other [ __ ] look at whatβs happening they just killed another 12 people in a mass shooting in Virginia Beach this is happening every
Week it happens so much Iβm almost I donβt care anymore I came home early from the road I had a 12 000 suit on because lifeβs been going good and I got home early and dinner was cooking you ever come home when dinnerβs cooking doesnβt smell good and my son
Saw me and he was like dadβs home and he got up from the table and ran over to give me a hug but he had chicken grease all over his face so I stepped on him my man watch these strands son itβs an expensive suit I donβt want you to get
The chicken grease all over me and he was like what the chicken grease damn this is Duck the tear came out of my ass I never dreamed I do so well in life that Iβd raised a [ __ ] with duck grease all over his face foreign [Applause]
I was coming I was coming from overseas and uh I donβt know how this guy got a machine gun on the plane but he stood up man he said everybody nobody look at my face I started freaking out because he was Chinese I was like why is he talking like that
Was screaming and crying I was the only brother on the plane well I thought I was the only brother I looked over there was one of the black dude he was from Nigeria I I looked over them he was looking right in my face man he didnβt say two
Words to me he just looked at me he was like he was talking about look right back again [Applause] some white dudes on the front of playing Cena said weβre like oh my God I think those black guys are gonna try to save us [Applause] we were just communicating
That we understood the situation we were both seeing the same thing what we understood was simple terrorists donβt take black hostages thatβs the truth I have yet to see one of us on the news reading the hostage letter um they is treating us good uh we all chilling and [ __ ]
Iβd like to give a shout out to Ray Ray and Big Steve sense of Newport [Applause] youβre not gonna see it terrorists are smart they know what theyβre doing there you know they terrorists they know black peopleβs bad bargain chips they called the White House hello we have got five block hello [Applause]
[Applause] weβll be back in DC you know what Iβm thinking man this is this is an election year Iβm gonna ask you your white guy do you know who youβre voting for yet donβt know do you now you see that you see what just happened here let meTell you something that is a cultural thing he knows who is going to vote for heβs just not gonna tell me team Iβve noticed that that is a cultural thing white people do not like to talk about their political affiliations itβs a secret yeah thatβs white guy whoβs
Vulnerable hey Bob uh Bob Who you gonna vote for Dave Dave whoa whoa whoa whoa take it easy now take it easy so anyway um I was [ __ ] my wife in her ass right and and I mean it was something else yeah yeah yeah yeah but who are you voting for Dave
Babe come on with the voting trying to talk about the [ __ ] my wife here ask me all these personal questions they donβt like to divulge that information because it matters to them black people talk about that [ __ ] black people will openly talk about politics but people openly talk about beating up
Politicians and [ __ ] if I see George Bush Iβll kick his [ __ ] ass for cutting my middle okay okay I would just say it but thereβs a reason for that it doesnβt matter itβs more for that matter is more black people see so even when I vote right which I donβt but but
When I like think about like who I would vote for right I donβt even look at their political policies I just look at their character you know what Iβm saying now you got to read no Iβm serious you gotta read between the lines like you know you look at Clinton and
Black people like Clinton because weβve seen them on a case I saw one thing on a campaign Trail he he actually just picked the black baby up and come here little [ __ ] baby come on awesome I like that he did not hesitate or nothing you see George Bush Jr heβd be then oh like I said Iβd never vote for George Bush Jr but I donβt know George Bush Jrβs Politics the only thing I know about George Bush Jr is that that guy sniffed cocaine thatβs right now listen
We cannot have that [ __ ] in the White House that might be fine for a mayor but God they may not know mmm [Applause] states are too high in the White House canβt have no Coke head president heβll be selling nuclear secrets for twenty thirty dollars and [ __ ] could be in meetings embarrassing
America come on sign the treaty baby I suck your dick like what the [ __ ] I miss me all right [Applause]
