Grown nobody look at my face I started freaking out because he was Chinese I was like why is he talking like that [Applause] screaming and crying I was the only brother on the plane but I thought I was the only brother I looked over there was one of the black
Dude he’s from Nigeria I looked over to him he was looking right in my face man he didn’t say two words to me just looked at me he was like They need to talk I know just what he’s talking about look right back at him that’s right [Applause] some white dudes on the front of the plane seen us they were like oh my God [Applause] we were just communicating that we understood the situation we were both seeing the same thing what we
Understood was simple terrorists don’t take black hostages that’s the truth I have yet to see one of us on the news reading the hostage letter um they is treating us good uh we all chilling and [ __ ] I’d like to give a shout out to Ray Ray
And big Steve and uh chance in Newport you’re not going to see it and terrorists are smart they know what they’re doing there you know they terrorists they know black people’s bad bargain chips they called the White House hello we have got five block hello it’s really some scary [ __ ]
I gotta tell you probably wants you got to make life interesting like that because the [ __ ] is flimsy life is flimsy you think you’re gonna live for everything but not gonna live forever it’s dangerous out here we know what’s going on I travel now you know I usually think DC
Had the roughest ghettos in the country nah [ __ ] foreign I have seen some [ __ ] now oh there’s some rough rough areas outside of DC yeah everybody should go to the ghetto I was taking it together one time that’s the worst when you get taken you’re not expecting to go
You know usually you want to know when you’re going to get them like I’m going to see some loud [ __ ] I gotta prepare myself I’m gonna do something crazy I mean you’re taking it’s different I had a limousine driver it was after a show it was late at night
It was like three in the morning had limousine drive he was a nice guy talking to me and [ __ ] oh hey where you from dog DC word that’s a rough City man and the cell phone started ring hold on one second hello oh what’s up [ __ ] what
What the [ __ ] slow that what the [ __ ] now [ __ ] that [ __ ] [ __ ] it I’m on my way I gotta make a stop real quick at three o’clock in the morning I didn’t know he was taking me to ghetto at first I started looking out the window I was
Like what the [ __ ] gun store gun store liquor store Gun Store where the [ __ ] are you taking me this don’t look good he didn’t say [ __ ] just pulled up in front of an old rickety building that looked like a project now I never been there before
I’m not sure if it was a project but it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project a [ __ ] crackhead ran this way and then another one jumped out of tree and [ __ ] [Applause] and I said I’ll be right back and left me took the keys with me just let me
At three o’clock in the morning in front of a project and a [ __ ] limousine this was not good I was like man I gotta look around see if I can see some landmarks and figure out where I’m at I might have to escape on foot
That is when I knew I was in a bad neighborhood you only see this in the worst neighborhoods remember it’s three o’clock in the morning it’s three o’clock in the morning I look out the window it was a [ __ ] baby standing on a corner and the baby the baby didn’t even look
Scared he was just standing there I mean it made me sad it made me say it really good you know because I want to help the baby well then I don’t trust you either I’m sorry click the old baby on the corner trick eh I’m not gonna fall for that [ __ ]
Cause where is this limousine drive me and I stopped feeling bad as time goes by I start feeling worse like man what is wrong with me what the hell is wrong I’m scared of a baby and this baby could be in trouble he might need my help I gotta do something
But I wasn’t going to get out the car I’m serious man I was cracked the window a little bit there’s an old limousine I can roll it down [Applause] hey baby baby go home man it’s three o’clock in the morning what the [ __ ] are you doing now
The baby said I’m selling weed [ __ ] are those I wasn’t expecting it I’m sorry I had to buy two bags from the combiners yeah back in the car and rolled me a joint man that [ __ ] was scary man every once in a while like a crackhead would
Come up to the car and look in the Windows like Jurassic parking should he be like all the cars hey get out of here cracky that baby was still standing there man that’s not feeling bad again yeah we make you feel guilty sometimes man what is wrong with me man I have
Just bought weed from a from an infant I can’t condone this kind of behavior what am I thinking I can’t let the fear ruin my morals gotta do something hey baby stop selling weed all right you got your whole life ahead of you he said [ __ ] you [ __ ] I got kids to
Feed you that’s a guy Sam and this is that very moment when the crackheads run across the street and got hit by a car I know it was a hit and run the police did it that’s all right they bring some crack on him he got back up
I almost protested the one to begin them almost until I saw what happened to them Dixie Chicks I said [ __ ] that if they’ll do that to three white women they will tear my black ass to pieces I don’t want to hear that [ __ ] Yeah man they would but I’m like for
Real why why are you caring so much what the Dixie Chicks say it’s not like they political scientists or nothing they just [ __ ] they can sing good you know what I mean stop worshiping celebrities so much just don’t listen pay attention I remember right around September 11th
Uh Ja Rule was on MTV that’s what they said we got Ja Rule on the phone let’s see what y’all’s thoughts are on this tragedy who gets a [ __ ] with Ja Rule thanks for the time like this [ __ ] this is ridiculous I don’t want to dance I’m scared to death
I want some answers to Ja Rule might not have right now you think when bad [ __ ] happens to me I’ve been in the crib like oh my God this is terrible cause nobody please find y’all rule get hold of this [ __ ] I can make sense of all this where is job
Let me try rule [Applause] I haven’t seen that kind of [ __ ] man that’s what it is they use the TV to program us from a young age you ever watched like a cartoon that’s used to watch me a little as an adult that [ __ ] is wild [ __ ]
Some loud [ __ ] I mean like I was with my nephew we sitting there we watching Pepe the Pew when I say to my neighbor I said now pay attention to this guy because he’s funny I used to watch him when I was little and we watched the paper like Pew with
Him oh man I’m looking like good God kind of [ __ ] rapist is this guy like take it easy come on that people were sitting there cracking up see sometimes you gotta take the [ __ ] like Pepe like no no I had to turn the channel real quick
I turn on Sesame Street I said oh shoot Sesame Street this is much better because now he’ll learn how to count and spell but now I’m watching it as an adult and I realize Sesame Street teaches kids other things it teaches kids how to judge people and label people that’s right
They got a character on their name Oscar and treat this guy like [ __ ] the entire show they judge him right in his face Oscar you are so mean isn’t he kids yeah Oscar you’re a grouch it’s like [ __ ] I live in a [ __ ] trash can Brother Paul’s [ __ ] on Sesame Street
Nobody’s helping me then you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people get it together Grouch get a job Grouch so don’t even tell me how to get to Sesame Street that is a terrible place I want to go there if I knew the way
Who would want to live in a neighborhood like that [ __ ] six foot pigeons walking around an elephant that’s a junkie hyper that’s right nothing I heard I’m sick I need some smack bird then Cookie Monster with his eyes popping out his hands cookie cookie cookie like Ugh
Kind of cookies are you talking about chocolate chips don’t do that to people and they had the nerve to put a pimp on there they didn’t come out and say he’s a pimp but I know a pen when I see you on that they called him an account had a tape and everything
You didn’t see him pimping [ __ ] where does my money you’ve been late four times I’ve been counting how many times must I smack you before you act right one two two spots [Applause] that I’m waiting for because the timing of this Michael Jackson [ __ ] is what makes me doubt it every time this war is going out of control the economy gets bad or something is wrong with The World At Large it’s always these moments in history that Michael Jackson will coincidentally
Jerk off a kid this is getting ridiculous like are you planning this [ __ ] do you have meetings Michael thank you for coming as you know Michael the war has not been going as well as we expected there’s been a lot of hiccups and the public is asking us
A lot of questions of course and well Michael there’s no nice way to say this and all I know how to do is be direct so let me just be direct we’re gonna need you to jerk off another child Mike I’m sorry I am sorry but it would really help out
Or maybe he did it who knows who knows that’s the thing that’s what I wanted to say who knows who the [ __ ] knows Mike God and this little boy know that’s that’s about it that’s about it the only reason that I can even talk about this [ __ ] is because
Everybody is speculating they all think he did it and I don’t think he did it I’m alone in this I don’t think he did it I’m not gonna say I don’t think he did it that’s too strong let me just say I am reserving judgment until all the facts come out
So far from what I heard I mean the kid said he’s dying to cancer he was in Make-A-Wish Foundation he claims he had two weeks to live and it was his dying wish to meet Michael Jackson come on man give me a [ __ ] break this kid is 10 years old he don’t remember
Thriller the [ __ ] he wanted to meet Michael Jackson for honesty I remember Thriller and I just like kind of want to meet the Snicker Mike wouldn’t break an appointment to meet him I’ll put it that way I’d have to already be free that’s ridiculous like if I’m dying it
Two weeks and go oh mama oh get me in the room with chubby chocolate I wouldn’t want to meet that [ __ ] my last two weeks why not Usher or somebody like this so then the kid claims he goes to Michael’s house this is where it all gets crazy I don’t like you know
He does everything you’d expect at Michael’s house they uh climb trees and rode roller coasters and Ferris wheels the chef made cookies pies and cakes they was petting them out here in the giraffes sing songs kid [ __ ] and in the middle of all this childlike activity for some reason
Mike pulled out some wine and some pills [Applause] and sucked his kids dick folks it hurts me to save and the kid had the nerve to call that abuse [ __ ] that is a good whole Sky dang what else do you want what else do you want
I’m lucky to get a glass of a great drink at my friend’s house let alone the Broncos are riding my dick sucked Mike must be confused like I brought you in my house I fed you I suck your dick and this is how you repay me [ __ ] this was your wish shot man
Thought you were dying in two weeks what happened to that [ __ ] I’ve been in court for a year and a half to get strong every time I see you when that this is [ __ ] up I shouldn’t even say the [ __ ] wouldn’t be some ironic [ __ ] if they found out through
This case that the cure for cancer was Michael Jackson sucking your dick somehow like if Mike had powers like Green Mile and all the kids like please Mike so I got it never again we didn’t appreciate it can we at least study your saliva please Mike [Applause] oh my God
But there’s a more important reason that I would stop doing comedy right now and this reason is the real reason that’s been percolating and it really is the crowd not you I’m talking about the crowd on the big stage it’s too hard to entertain a country whose ears are so
Brittle [ __ ] are so sensitive the whole country has turned into [ __ ] ass [ __ ] everything you say upsets somebody but [ __ ] are just taking it too far I don’t know why or how everybody got this goddamn sensitive you know who hates me the most the transgender community yeah oh yeah these [ __ ] I mean
I didn’t realize how bad it was these [ __ ] I was really mad about that last Netflix special it’s tough man I don’t know what to do about it because because I like them I always have never had a problem with them you know just [ __ ] around
And matter of fact I think I make fun of everybody and I mean as a group of people they have to admit it’s kind of [ __ ] hilarious man I’m sorry bro not have a sense of humor about it they’re born feeling like there’s something other than they’re born as and that’s
That’s kind of funny you know like it’s funny if it’s not happening to you I believe transgenders I don’t understand them either but I know they mean what they say them [ __ ] cut their dicks off that’s all the proof I need I’ve never seen somebody just throw their dick away don’t need it
[Applause] I don’t understand but I believe you when I support your decision [ __ ] I was doing a show I was in Portland Oregon and I was checked in a hotel under the name Charles Edward cheese foreign I came back to my room late at night and there was aA note it was like a letter on my desk it was addressed to Mr Cheese so obviously I’m gonna assume that whoever wrote this letter must be an intimate friend of mine it’s not some kind of name that a person would just guess but then I opened a letter and it turns out
I don’t know this person at all it’s a fan letter you know I’m not even used to the idea that I have fans but I’m grateful for it and uh I don’t read those letters be nice if I did but realistically it’s like what am I Santa Claus Nick I don’t
Have time for this like got [ __ ] I want to do I’m trying to chill read all these dreams and wishes from strangers but then but I read it I’d already opened it so I just read the whole letter and you know what man whoever wrote this letter truly loves
It I mean they were really [ __ ] nice in the letter and then they described to me what it was like to come to the show how excited they were how much fun they were having and then they said that when I got to my jokes about transgenders that they were quote devastated
Because it turns out that whoever wrote the letter was transgender now I’m going to be real for a second as a policy you gotta understand I never feel bad about anything I say up here and I I would never admit this to you if I hadn’t locked your phones up
But it was the weirdest thing like when I read this letter this [ __ ] made me feel bad I didn’t feel bad about what I said you understand I felt bad that I made somebody else feel bad to be honest I don’t even know what I said that upset that person
I have so many transgender jokes but I feel like I feel like it was probably this joke I’m about to tell you right now and it’s not even that bad of a joke it’s a true joke I mean it’s not true but I I had read in the paper that
Caitlyn Jenner was contemplating posing nude in an upcoming issue of Sports Illustrated and I know it’s not politically correct to say these things so I just figured [ __ ] it I’ll say it for everybody else yuck you know sometimes I just want to read some stats I don’t know why you’re going to cram
Some man [ __ ] in the middle of the sports page like this I just didn’t think that was the place for it but I wasn’t saying anything like Caitlyn Jenner’s a bad person I’m not mad at her for doing it not even made it supposed to Illustrated if I’m mad at somebody
I’m probably just mad at myself you understand it’s deep down I know that I am not strong enough to not look at those pictures [Applause] and I don’t think I’m ready to see what she’s trying to show me so Caitlyn God Damon if you go through with this thing
[ __ ] you better go hard or go home I want you to go all the way Hustler style you know what hustle style means miss that means spread the lips everybody how’s these prayers who lives in this itty bitty dick inside [Applause] the show is behind the curtains [Applause]I don’t know what I said that upset that person you know I can remember when it all started it was when I was doing Chappelle Show when I was doing Chappelle Show to do this show and then on the weekends I do like concerts and [ __ ] like that so
I’m doing a concert and there was a couple in the front row beautiful couple the wife was obviously Asian you can see it in her face the husband this [ __ ] was mysterious to say the least couldn’t quite pinpoint where he was from caramel colored fella very nice
Hair but it could have been from anywhere Bangladesh Mexico I can’t guess with a [ __ ] like this all I knew for sure about this guy is that his wife was a [ __ ] I could see that in her face too now he was laughing and having a good
Time and she was scowling at me at a goddamn comedy show I couldn’t figure it out and then I realized at some point that she was pregnant and I was smoking on stage I said oh my God that’s probably why she’s mad so I started to put my
Cigarette out but then she hit me with one of them fake non-smoker calls so I just kept smoking I thought to myself [ __ ] that babe would be fine relax and I tried to break the tension I just asked her that’s all I said to go hey
Where you guys from anyway and I could tell that she was on to me she goes very condescendingly she says I’m from California if you’re asking my ethnicity I am Chinese and her husband was just cool about the [ __ ] he was like I’m Mexican bro
I said well I’m sorry if I offended you by asking but you’re a very beautiful couple and Miss there’s no question that you’re going to give birth to the hardest working baby this world has ever seen okay that’s not a bad joke she got very upset she got up to leave
Immediately but she didn’t just leave she had to take one last dig at me on the way out I will never buy one of your [ __ ] DVDs again Dave Chappelle I said man with all due respect Chinese people don’t buy DVDs [Applause] and the crowd went crazy we’ve all
Laughed and having a good time I didn’t even think anything of it and then just three days later this lady sends a [ __ ] letter to my promoter telling him not to book me for shows anymore because I was quote racist huh and and I’m quoting her insensitive to the
Nature of my interracial marriage I was like word [ __ ] I was if she had just done a little bit of research she would know that I myself am in an interracial man in fact my wife is Asian too surprise [ __ ] I’ll see you on Thanksgiving foreign ‘s not Chinese she’s Filipino
That’s right that’s right and our kids are Puerto Rican somehow so there you go now let’s think about this Radios on television you’ve read their newspapers you’ve even talked to them in your beer houses why do they call us they call us and go fools and they’ve called All of Us be our friends are we be our friends they call us enemies in their house
That’s not the truth the truth is they stole our rights you know that they destroyed our wealth call us cameroonians we are amazonians You know Amazon is not a dream it’s a reality and let’s talk to Amazon you were lost and abused abused now you are found we have found you we bless our lives to set you free forever free we won’t let you down and this is our promise to you nobody could ever
Take this promise away and we will not pass one step back Remember All your pain and sorrow will make you stronger And make this world better so sing this song You know this really comes on to you and me you have to join our pledge and and play your part it’s my part and your party you and me will set it free because freedom is the words there’s nothing else but freedom freedom is our Liberty Amazonians Amazon
