Some of the animals I see like I was in the airport the other day right I’m sitting there waiting for my flight just hate my life and this watching this watching this lady she’s eating Egg McMuffins like plural it’s just true like 300 right down her throat like a
Pelican she’s like right down a felon and when she was done she wiped her face with the bag she just kind of straight razor shave I saw this other dude he was sought a shape he was like trying to itch his back and he couldn’t reach it so he
Walked up to a support pole that was holding up an entire floor of the airport it just walks up and he just starts like rubbing up against it I’m like a grizzly bear just a [ __ ] animal dude I am so pro swine flu it’s it’s like ridiculous
I want it we need a plague I’m telling you if we need a plague it’s got to happen it don’t be afraid it’s only good it’s only gonna kill the weak take some vitamins you better be fine you gotta flip Mother Nature through her thing matches she
Keeps trying to help us out and we won’t let her do it keeps trying to thin the heart every single time with a girl you’re gonna get your vaccinations why why so egg mcmuffin lady can breathe with the backpack guy yeah it’s gotta happen you gotta let it do it seriously plague it’s
Like nature’s forest fire you know just let it burn out all the dead wood I swear to God we’re the only were the only species that saves the week we barely got Lions don’t do that [ __ ] lion gets a little thorn in his paw and everybody so good to have an
Intervention and it’s like [ __ ] them that’s why there’s no traffic on the Serengeti a bunch of lions just standing there and [Applause] our lady you get up there there’s some hyena licking his balls so I got a girlfriend man i watch a lot of watch a lot of TV with
Her you know I just said no way the hell out of it she loves watching The Oprah Winfrey Show and I love like watching her watch The Oprah Winfrey Show and I wait for Oprah’s say something stupid in the second she does I just take it out
On my girl because I’m an [ __ ] no we’re watching it the other day you know Oprah’s on there she’s interviewing some Klan yeah she’s giving her this big ridiculous intro like she’s done this she’s done that she’s done this and she does the most difficult job on the planet
She’s the mother it continues on immediately I just look at my girlfriend looks like really being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet oh yeah all those mothers who die every year for Black Lung from inhaling all that cold us the women are just constantly patting
Themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are and no one corrects them because they want to [ __ ] well it’s just this tornado of like misinformation and the most difficult job on the planet what would you rather be doing drilling to the center of the earth shaking hands with the devil every
Time there’s a rumble in the ground you wait for the whole thing to collapse down on top of you so they can write that folk song about you yeah what you writing me up in the sunshine running around with a couple of toddlers that you can send to bed anytime you want let
Some sort of trumped up charges right cuz you want to have a drink and watch The Price is Right I couldn’t believe it it’s a no difficult job on the planet I thought roofing in the middle of July is a redhead I thought but these mothers are bending over at the waist putting
DVDs into DVD players dude any job that you can do in your pajamas it’s not a difficult job question 35 years old playing hide-and-go-seek you live in the dream the dream go time card no taxes you’re off the [ __ ] grid they could popsicle stick houses I mean it’s an us
Difficult job on the planet Oprah’s not even a mother [Applause] branded neither of mine but I could think of that balances itself oh I’m so full of [ __ ] I really really realized that about myself maybe that’s one thing about getting old he just realize how full of
[ __ ] you are you know people ask you questions you just start answering them get to that point you’re just watching the [ __ ] coming listening taking notes yeah it’s like I flood everything in high school why would you listen to me you know have a lunch with this girl theOther day right right in the middle of lunch she looked across the table for me and she goes this is gonna seem oddly racist this is gonna be awesome 41 years old never heard a conversation started this way let’s see what you got she just like um there are a lot of
Asians in this restaurant look that’s not racist listen observation there are a lot of Asians in this restaurant however if you were to say what the [ __ ] are all these [ __ ] Asians doing this goddamn restaurant that would seem oddly racist but you still haven’t said anything bad about
Asians but you definitely seem to have a problem with that being and the restaurant which is on that’s odd because I’ve never heard any bad stereotypes about Asians and restaurants you know enemy like dude they come in there taking up all the tables you know just beat all Asian wait here y’all you
Is but they’re driving right and even that one’s [ __ ] stuff that they suck there’s no happy medium you know see the Tokyo Drift 90 miles an hour driving sideways parallel parking and breakdancing into the club right like Jesus Christ is that guy from the future possessed all of that talent
Well they just stop it in an intersection it’s boring it’s almost like it’s so simple I just start daydreaming and I don’t know I find a lot of that a lot of that racial stuff like fascinating you know like the different rules of like how who gets in
Trouble who doesn’t like I’ve noticed black people have the genius to put the curse word after they say the race of the person where white dudes we always put it in front and if we would just make that little adjustment we could save so many careers how many to pups
Could be saved in the white community if we would just put it after you never noticed that in conversation here black every like man I was standing in this Asian well [ __ ] came in he starts talking about we don’t even hear it what did this Asian mom [ __ ] dope I
Would love to hear the rest of this story right dude I would tell the exact same story right I’m standing there right his [ __ ] a just said what he said he’s suggesting he’s hooking up with people’s mothers I’m not even doing that I got it out of the way I got it
Out of the way that’s how I caught the [ __ ] guy came in [ __ ] Asian dude he wearing sandals Jesus Christ oh my god sandals with middle of December yeah those people man my feet don’t get cold no this place that one got big ski Parker and shorts and my leg but like
Don’t get called thanks okay come that’s like it’s the only hope of hooking up with somebody like maybe that’s interesting to mate with that’ll make a strong baby his legs don’t get cold I don’t know what it is plenty of blood for the organs that had nothing to do with you they had
To do with me being on the road for four months that’s all this oh yeah I love this city man it’s one of my favorite cities to come out to man I really weird I was here at least like oh you know it’s enough mom-and-pop sort of independent
Run stores that’s a big thing with me like when I go on the road like I can’t you know I can’t do these these chains anymore you know I just can’t you know depressing it is to go to a town and see like another just horde of fat people
Stumbling out of like a cheesecake factory you know oh the horrific just pressing their face up against the glass ways to get extra fat you know you know I hate about these these these corporate chains you could go in there you’re paying for a business they make you like
Do half the job done I don’t get it like I walk in and let me get a turkey sandwich lettuce tomato on rye with mayonnaise the guy by the counters like turkey sandwich lettuce tomato and Ron yeah Anna and mayonnaise oh the man you saw it’s right over there
Really why don’t you [ __ ] go over there I’m sorry they fired the mayonnaise guy but I’m not doing it I just gave you 100 percent of the money to make 100 percent of the sandwich this isn’t like a relay race you make half the sandwich then you hand
It off to me come on it frisbee it over my mom she sticks an olive with the toothpick in it do you recognize me don’t [ __ ] work here make the sandwich come on I gave you money I’m out it’s open see it fits the end of my part no I
Asked tonight for a drink he gave me a cup I finally go you know let me just get this whole thing to go from the guys like right the two village they’re right over there he just snapped the lid on top I just want to grab this
Guy by his whole different person first where’s till the time making me do all this extra [ __ ] where is it I just choked my way up that corporate ladder till I get to that Eyes Wide Shut party and everybody’s sitting there getting [Applause] the second they see my angry face and
That lid I have to explain myself just put it on somebody’s face engine starts I think you [ __ ] yacht gonna be now that’s it things like never enough it’s never enough with those guys you know I can’t stand now is when you just get that out of the way for the taping
Not have that here for a taping should not have a bottle cap let me put that down there what if I slip and fell 17 minutes into my set then what happens huh all goes off the rails now it’s not a special [Applause] no you’re like it was when you go into
These places right even when they’re getting your money like that’s not enough room they will they want to suck like more information out of you what I bought toiletries the other day they asked me for like my phone number I’m bringing it up again can we have your phone number
No sirree we’re not gonna do anything with this really you’re just collecting numbers just for the [ __ ] of it you idiot no you can’t have my phone number then they get like all freaked out right well Sarah I have to put something in if I don’t if I don’t input something and I
Can’t get to the next what do i do well [ __ ] lean on the keyboard sweetheart stick your finger on the one [Applause] with an area code one two three very exclusive neighborhood oh it’s the worst you have our little baby fade Buffy [ __ ] card no no I know
Would you like one now I wouldn’t well why not because you’re up to something I don’t know what you’re up to but I know you don’t want to make less money all right stop [ __ ] with me just bring this up and let me get on with my life
Evidently what you’re doing is you’re giving them a free survey on what products you can’t live without so they can jack the price of that up under the guise of giving you like a nickel off of like bootleg Froot Loops I read it on the internet it’s gotta be true right
Now I try to read I can’t it makes me sleepy that’s unreal I could watch like 18 hours of TV one murder-mystery after another you know the unyuu tube all night long it spent four hours the other night just watching people get bit by poisonous snakes hey give me a book I
Just can’t do it I get like halfway now just not not enough I don’t know what the worst things are in those automated machines you guys have those out here those automated checkout machines you know unbelievable I couldn’t believe it the first time I walked into a
Supermarket I saw that I think this is ridiculous here it is I thought it was a comedian evidently I also work in a grocery store holy [ __ ] I can’t believe I forgot my apron check the schedule dude you realize the balls of that the balls of that yeah I’m
Gonna have a store you come in you pick out what you want you bring it up you bring it up you pay me you put it in a bag and then you get the [ __ ] out of my store [Applause] dude if it is the future if there’s
Gonna be no employees at a grocery store I’m never paying for food again I’ll be hooking up my friends like rolling hands out the front door I want to steal now I just don’t have the nerve I just want to fill up a whole grocery cart full of
Food right just walk up to one of those automated machines you count five Mississippi guess they don’t want to get paid then what security shows up you just play dumb sorry you have to bring that back we’re gonna cut my hours take my job I picked out what I wanted I
Brought it up I was gonna pay you but you weren’t there so I [ __ ] left that’s what you think I was gonna do arrest myself there god forbid you want help I’m telling you I’m done with all these chains I’m done with all you can’t get any help can never get anybody on
The phone and if you actually get somebody on the phone you know nobody can help but everybody understands you know and they’re always sorry yes sir I’m sorry sir yes I understand I understand I’m sorry I don’t know why they transfer you to me I’m sorry well I
Would be upset to thir I understand I earn I totally understand and I’m sorry and there’s nothing I can do right and the whole time you only know what they’re doing is trying to get you to curse so you hang up no so they can hang
Up on you that’s all I do it just trying to get you to curse so you see they can just hang up on you you know so they say gradually but if you don’t curse they can’t hang up on you you can just keep torturing but why is that
You just just keep it going around and around and what they do is then they try to suddenly make it your fault well sir did you know did you know your plane was gonna be late well why didn’t you call ahead well I didn’t call ahead cuz I was our [ __ ] airplane
Then you’re gonna start all over again do you know how many times a week people say to me why are you yelling and I never feel like I am like this right here is not yelling to me it’s just you know I’m passionate about my opinions
And I want you to hear all of them before you get the clock again I’m not yelling I’ve got another couple of octaves that was brutal I don’t want to be this guy you know I’m halfway through my life at this age you know when I’ve been an angry son of a
[ __ ] and I got to turn this around man I’m a Barris with my bi don’t be that guy you die is the angry guy that’s the worst dude to diets because then people gotta try to think a happy [ __ ] to say about you it’s your funeral they justSitting there like he was a son of a [ __ ] I earned his shirt saying I got nothing I don’t know what else say about the guys no no I noticed you know what no I had an anger problem was one just like little random things like I went to
This place another time on the road the mortar and food that was done ordered the food and the guy behind the counter asked me if I wanted a cookie right and all of a sudden said his unbelievable urges to blast this guy right in the face
My brain was just another but I say I say I wanna cook you don’t [ __ ] I say bring it up you bring it up you do it suck you’ll just yell it across the restaurant you want a cookie your [ __ ] [Applause] that’s what I realized they gotta
Anybody else’s thoughts just wake him up in the middle of the night it’s like I’m okay I’m gonna make it you know now you know I picked more was actually I’m a lot happier than I used to be man I [ __ ] around a lot when I’m up here but I’m
Definitely a lot more happy all right my big move you know I decided I wasn’t gonna go home for the holidays that was a big thing I had to say go one guy right there I had to I don’t know what age you decided not to but I went home
At 39 not married no kids and I was just like there is no way I am going home at 40 there’s no way there’s no way people are you like asking questions they just look at you weird just like no you’re just you’re just gonna tell jokes
Talk about disease and wish it on people and make fun of people who like cake is that what you’re gonna do you know what I live in a cul-de-sac and have a couple of kids and gradually resent everyone and then take your own life you know anything yeah
Now dude I would love to be married but in my head it all makes sense like I you know I don’t know what happened but it just it scares me when I see married guys I just get like nervous man I’m just gonna be like that stereotypical
Married guy you know just like a shell of my former self you know every weekend up on that silver ladder just scoop and [ __ ] out of the gutters but neighbor coming over you know Susy keeps getting bigger you wear this shirt for 11 years I don’t know what happened to my dreams you know I just like coming up here cuz it’s quiet up here think about what might have been yeah my neighbor’s not even listening to me he’s all excited about some garden
Hose he bought at Brookstone he’s convinced it was designed by NASA actually it’s got two nozzles one for the heart one for the pull really is it long enough to go around both our necks in the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this I know I just sort of mentioned
Killing myself there I don’t want to freak you out all right cuz I did that joke when I was down in the Bible Belt and I was down south and this girl took me really seriously she came up to me at the end of the show she’s like you’re
Not really thinking about doing something like that are you I was like no just joking just joking she goes good cuz you know she can’t go to heaven if you do stuff like that I was just like yeah you know I don’t give a [ __ ] it’s not that I don’t I just like
Freaking out people that are that religious that have a whole little checklist of [ __ ] if you do this you go here if you do that how do you know that you don’t know that shut up I think it’s very normal thought to think about killing yourself you know I do you know
It’s weird anytime I think about killing myself it’s never over anything big it’s always little things little things make me want to take myself out it’s bizarre like I’m my girlfriend broke up with me I’m not gonna lie to you I would be devastated devastated be laying on the ground
Crying in the fetal position for like three days you know about a fourth day you know I might rub one out you know I got a dude join the gym lie to myself that I’m gonna get the six-pack back I know what I gotta do right but little six I
Thought about killing myself like a year ago on Thanksgiving you know why I was was cuz I said I was gonna make a pie that little statement made me think about taking myself up this outlook this is basically the deal right my girlfriend’s an angel she absolutely
Loves the holiday so it’s like two weeks before Thanksgiving so she’s all excited she’s like oh my god Thanksgiving is coming up I’m trying to watch the game Thanksgiving what are you gonna do for Thanksgiving right I started freaking out like I didn’t think I had to do
Anything but thanks good you know I just thought I had to you know not get drunk and be belligerent around your friends I thought I was fine she’s like no I’m gonna make a turkey I’m gonna make stuffing what are you gonna do so I panicked I’m like I’ll [ __ ] make a pie
Make up I was just trying to make it go away never do that you disagree with them thinking to make them leave like yeah awesome what you said no but it totally worked it totally worked but she walked away completely excited she was like no way
No way all excited and I totally forgot about right two weeks later Thanksgiving comes up right she just wakes up she’s like oh my god Thanksgiving hey thank you you’re gonna make that pie right he said you’re gonna make a pie it’s like I gotta make the party I gotta
Go to the grocery store I got to buy some flour then I just started thinking man why don’t we just slam my head right through this plate glass window and just blend out right down the side of the house no I wouldn’t have to so it’s not
Even like I’m suicidal it’s more like I’m like lazy I mean like whenever I know the next four hours of my life is gonna suck like I think about god I gotta pay my taxes it’s a long line at the bank and that a bus is coming by
What if I just don’t head first right a little stumble backfires anybody else ever think of [ __ ] like that you don’t get speech ceiling fans somebody’s telling me some stuff I don’t want to do you need to pour into my deed we need your birth certificate the ceiling fans
Behind the head I’ll get right on that so anyway so I decided not to go hope for the holidays it’s what I’m really trying to tell you here no I did I kind of came to the Pitney I’m like man I’m 41 years old my
Dad had five kids by the time he’s my age I got to get on with my life here so I was like on you know what I’m not not working Thanksgiving I’m not working Christmas I’m not working New Year’s it was like the middle of October I was
Like wait a minute what about Halloween that my brain was like you know what [ __ ] this I’m getting a pumpkin thank you that’s how angry my brain is it can’t be just like you know what hey let’s get a pumpkin scope you don’t [ __ ] this let’s get a pump that’s when I started
Thinking carving that [ __ ] oh man and I’ll candy to the kids I’m meeting them at the door hey what are you supposed to be huh oh yeah full-sized Snickers who does ACDC pumpkin you haven’t seen that before you have it right you tell all your friends when you sing that [ __ ]
What are you bringing to one side that’s heavy here’s another candy bar you like dumbbell walk break down the stairs this is how much of a maniac I am you know this is all true it took me four trips to go to the supermarket to finally be
Able to buy this goddamn pumpkin because every time I would walk in there to get it are we thinking all these happy thoughts this is a great thing I’m embracing the holidays it’s gonna bring me and my girlfriend together there’s a very loving thing to do when I reach out
And grab it and all I’d hear in the back of my head is what are you All right let me explain that joke to functional people in the crowd let me explain this all right this is how it works with cash anytime you do anything remotely sensitive heartwarming anything that’s gonna make you more of a loving caring individual immediately all your guy friends suggests that maybe just
Maybe you want to suck a dick oh it’s brutal even if you do something smart right like it’s raining out [Applause] put your shoulders up you [ __ ] homo Jesus Christ would you pull that thing out of your ass oh it’s crude oh it doesn’t even have to make sense you caught the pumpkin will you do next carve some guy’s ass with your [ __ ] what are you gonna blow a scarecrow go get
Away from me with your gay little pumpkin odds bro dude what do you a [ __ ] is the reason why guys drop at 55 on a [ __ ] nowhere it’s literally from five decades it’s just suppressing the urge to like hunger puppy admit a baby’s cute say you want a
Cookie you just gotta keep pushing it down one day one day you’re in a Denny’s and if you get to put bananas and your pancakes you just have like an aneurysm and your head slams off that sticky table and the last thing you hear before it all goes black is your friends go [Applause] it’s a horrible horrible way to live your life you can’t like you’re just dying every day does every dumb thing that you can do as a guy any stupid thing that’s gonna shorten your life makes you more of a man [ __ ] zero degrees out you know have a coat on dude
You’re cold can’t admit it no I’m not hold I’m just taking a song I really agree with now trying to let go of this ball I hate in my chest that’s why I don’t have any kicks I thought I think it’s irresponsible to be a complete maniac
Not work on yourself and then just have a kid and then just start downloading all your [ __ ] up thought something that little Christine little hard drive you know just send them off to school with your little your little manifestos they’re freaking out other kicks it’s cool
2+2 Timmy once you get Danny keeps cash in the walls because he doesn’t trust banks no it’s embarrassing to know this little about yourself at my age man I got to get beyond like you know I finally ended up getting that pumpkin you know I did I actually had to bring
My girlfriend down to the supermarket and I had to walk her by the pumpkins because I knew the second I did it she was gonna freak out and she did second she saw Jesus like oh my god a pumpkin Halloween’s coming up we should get it that’s doing like this little pumpkin
Dance and I had this unbelievable urge just to take her head and just [ __ ] mush it right through the pumpkins and really hold it there for a second like feel the panic in the back of her head as the air bubbles became like less and less frequent she sat there
Contemplating surrounded by loved ones looking back on achievement it’s so Orange god I resented her resented the fact she gets to be effect he does she gets to see pumpkin right sees a little puppy tries and sad movies I gotta hold on to all of that [ __ ] slowly dying inside
Go out to go see a sad movie comes to the sad part what do I do she’s crying I got to think of some funny [ __ ] I would have somebody kick Sean Penn in the balls right now [ __ ] alone that’s right thank you sir I like
That you turned this into a town meeting this guy downtown right it’s exactly it I always wanted to cry when I was watching lifetime but you know who’s never left [ __ ] sick popped up on dayquil I think it’s for the might that’s my tribute to the film
Or that’s the drug I did before I got that stage and to be a little buzzed right a little pedestrian way so anyways uh now my light I just feel myself I’m starting to change me I’m a happier person and I I think I’m ready
Man I want to have a kid it’s a big thing I want to have a kid by the only thing I’m worried about about that is I like little kids I like them when they’re little I don’t like when they get bigger and they start thinking like they know [ __ ]
You know like I understand why parents hit their kids I get it you know I’m not staying take your day out on them but definitely you know they get a little lippy you know throw out a jab set the tone now when they start thinking they know
Stuff budget you know my buddy’s got a kid his kid is at that age right they fighting me over to you know come to dinner the other day because I’m like at that age I’m like that weirdo guy they feel they feel sad for it so we gotta
Fight me over yeah I really have a pathetic existence it’s my life so I’m sitting I’m trying to be social with the kid you know he’s really into space so I’m like hey look the skies around and the stars are out the kids like actually that’s not a star that what is Jupiter
Jupiter is the fifth planet Wow [ __ ] like you’re impressed Wow really is it is it they won’t shut up they just keep going on it’s good 17 moods and I gotta sit there acting impressed cuz I’m just waiting for another adult to come by and
Just scoop the kid up and just rescue me gotta sit here and act like I’m amazed with this I saw a stripper quit on stage two months ago what do you think you’re gonna tell me that’s gonna blow my mind so the kid just kept going on and on it’s good it’s good
I couldn’t take it anymore sooner I finally did I just I had poured a little water on him I didn’t know what to do is break this rose up peter knapp the demon at this social maturity to be like dude so I’m sitting there I am laughing my
Ass off I’m dying I’m like I cracked the code I finally figured out what to do in this situation and you know what this little bastard anyway in the kitchen he [ __ ] told on me and my buddy’s wife comes running out she starts screaming at me like I’m 5 years old which
Technically I am because I’m pouring water unlike you know six-year-olds right you don’t do that we don’t do that in this house and I said no no no no we don’t do that that’s my temper came up no yeah you know I’d [ __ ] you [ __ ] your
Kids [ __ ] to Panera out of here I don’t need this right now that I didn’t do it I just sat down I was like look you poured water our kids okay send an honest moment myself I you know he tried to debate it in your head to
Try to make yourself right yeah but dude is bottled water like this kid doesn’t get rained on that acid rain you actually you a cleansing his brow I don’t know but I’m gonna have the kid cuz I like when that little it’s just worth it you know I like toddlers man
That’s that’s the best age they’re hilarious you know they never have a shirt on they already got a beer belly even though they never drank before they’re not even self-conscious they don’t try to suck it in they just let it hang out over the diaper got like cereal in their hair they’re a
Mess they just see people talk and they just come up they just stuck telling a story they don’t have the decency to start at the beginning they like start in the middle then they jump back to the beginning and then they tell the end it’s like a Tarantino movie like Travolta’s walking
By in the background heart attack like drooling all over himself then they make white beaters for little two-year-olds they should do it put a little fisher-price harley-davidson I can’t take it they’re adorable no but it’s a scary time dude it’s a scary time to raise a kid that’s the
Only thing I’m worried about it’s a really scary time you know I think I think they get ready to like microchip all of us I’m not even jumping dude if you see that new Duracell commercial with that woman can’t find her kid in the park so
What kind of a [ __ ] up way is that to sell batteries it’s a little hardcore don’t you think but remember the old battery commercials they show some guy in a rainstorm right changing a tire takes out a flashlight all right thank God it turns out I can see how when I’m
Getting that was it not as shown this woman she can’t find her kid in the park she’s something like Kenan Kenan sitting there freaking out that she pulls out this device and then all son Kevin comes running out of the woods and then just like Duracell batteries like don’t [ __ ]
The batteries what was that thing she just took we didn’t have an antenna his sneakers weren’t glowing what the [ __ ] is in Kevin that is connected to that don’t just show me that like that’s normal Though that is some creepy New World Order [ __ ] evidently it’s a bracelet and they just put the microchip in there but that’s how I got to do it they’re gonna scare the [ __ ] out of you that someone’s gonna take your kid that’s just a bracelet what if they take the bracelet
I will just glue it to the forehead yeah but just sort of drill it in there I’m telling you whatever they’re doing to dogs they’re gonna be doing to us in like ten years right they got those six microchips with their balls cut off telling you we’re gonna have us on TV
Waiting to get rescued like some account and look at all [ __ ] up with the TV right that’s what you’re getting here in the future that’s gonna be the future – to hear about Eddie Dodd they turned his chip off man dude the guy’s [ __ ] he is [ __ ] he made one little joke about
The government next thing you know he had to buy around his head wouldn’t go through they kept standing it nothing he’s outside screaming up with a satellite dude now two bankers I think they run the world bankers around the world according to my YouTube Wikipedia research don’t listen
To me I’m an idiot I swear to God I think they don’t [ __ ] blowing off the president you know that’s what killed me nerds nerds run the [ __ ] world I couldn’t believe it doesn’t somebody big and scary nerds some of those kids in fourth grade it would strike out playing
Kickball which is practically physically impossible the ball was like half the size of your body can anybody explain to me the difference between loan sharking and banking is there any is there any [ __ ] difference at this point some one guy was like well dude I’ll tell you
No the bank won’t break your legs well it doesn’t [ __ ] have to what it’s doing is legal reason why a loan shark does it is cuz what he does is not legal so what do you do take me to court break your leg and I’ll [ __ ] pay you
I know I’m a maniac I’m becoming that guy that conspiracy theory guy you know those guys you hang out with them everything’s cool for like the first 10 minutes you watching the game then all of a sudden II just looks at you like dude you know there’s no gold behind our
Currency you realize that don’t you End of days down here I got a dog recently everybody that’s like the big thing yes I did I’m psyched I went down to the planet I got one of those free dogs free dog that’s how I say it – I don’t say I rescued a dog I hate when people
Say that stuff they said she’s a rescue I rescued her really did you pull her out of a burning building did you jump in a river with your wingtips still on but not concerned for your own safety or did you just go to head the pound and
Get a free dog did she [ __ ] I actually I did not want to get a rescue dog I did not want to do that my girl was all about it she’s like we should rescue a dog you want to rescue a dog I’m like though no I don’t she’s like why not I
Go because I think a lot of the dogs down the pile might be a little [ __ ] in the head who the shelter is that a pet store that it’s like Shawshank for a golden retriever why don’t we just go down out of the prison and rescue an inmate just
Roll the dice that may be the guy who was wrongly convicted do you mind [ __ ] that I want a brand new 2009 bulldog all right I don’t want some 1995 half a Labrador for part of its ear chewed off you know I gotta put together its backstory every time I go use the
Toaster it starts freaking out but his last owner hung them from the ceiling fan every time the Jets didn’t cover the over get out kill you don’t a rabbit swirl how fast a squirrel is if I was walking home at night minding my own business bothersome some squirrels
Started running at me by the time I process like is that a rat they’re mechanical I know the up my leg taking chunks out of the side of my head I’d have to tell that story for the rest of my life in a bar know whatever the side
Of your head [ __ ] sensitive no I’m not trying to say all those dogs are bad down there but what if I accidentally get one of those Cujo old yellers right I’m telling you they love dogs down there so much you got to watch out what
They tell you I was down there there was just one dog this thing was staring at me so goddamn hogs maniac look a dog I’m like what’s up with this dog she was just like oh he was chained to a pallet in a junkyard his entire life and I’m
Like doesn’t have any issue she’s like he’s a little aggressive it’s like what were you gonna tell me that [ __ ] and it’s gonna throw in my hatchback let me figure it out on the ride home he’s pulling out a sharpened toothbrush to stick in my neck now that’s what I’m saying
What if I accidentally get one of those crazy dogs I get up at 2:00 in the morning to take a leak and that is the exact moment its previous owner used to come home shit-faced beat the crap out of the dog I have no idea what I’m
Setting up I’m sit there shuffle along in my slippers tie in my robe meanwhile the dogs getting all amped up like this I never be laying on the ground in a pool of my own blood what are you doing the dog then take them right back down to the pond like
Some sort of repeat offender we’re gonna see him on the news and like shackles like shuffling along we knew you’d be back there get me a milk-bone go [ __ ] yourself I’m gonna wheel him in like Hannibal Lecter with that lampshade around his neck [Applause] nasan we have like this stalemate you
Know I wanted the brand-new bulldog you know she kept seeing that Sarah McLaughlin commercial no sad you know oh they’re gonna get sued for false advertisement in that thing I swear to god they hand-picked those dog the cutest little fuzzy I just want big those cute little innocent little dr. Seuss looking dogs
Where are the pit bulls where are the Rottweilers where those maniacs you see lifting weights down at the shelter I got the saddest looking dogs ever and she’s whining over the top of them those dogs are looking all sad at the camera my last owner wasn’t a nice person
Those ridiculous bandage it’s like they’re in Saving Private Ryan that Three Stooges rabbit ear I have a toothache that ship on that dog what happened I love that one it’s all wrapped up like a mummy it’s like how they get hit by a cannonball during a Civil War Reenactment then a
Tyrannosaurus bigger my favorite ones that one i plug is a great dog bring that over the kids I’m sure that won’t freak him out at all mommy to get us a dog just let him sniff – do not approach him from the right and gotta push for the right sticking around
Becomes an entirely different animal when you do that just know so she was in the van I wanted to get the Bulldog that was my thing I was like I want to get the Bulldog then I started researching on the Bulldogs I got all these health problems man from day one they can’t
Even breathe they come out in the world it’s like they don’t work with asbestos their entire life you know some people they can’t even breathe you gotta have him sleeping uprightness lazy boy rubbing vicks vapor rub on that chest we got like sleep apnea they die nine
Times every night why don’t I just rescue a retired offensive lineman so didn’t know what to do so we were at a stalemate so Mike Mike girl did what most females do they just figure I know it’s good for him I know it’s gonna make him happy I’m gonna make a major
Decision without him and then he’s gonna deal with it yeah that’s how I got a dog I got a dog when I was on the road I was on the road I just had a message on my machine it was just and I just heard she’s like um okay I did something kind
Of involves both of us but I think you’re gonna love it just give me a cow okay bye now does that sound like I just signed you up for a 12 to 15 year commitment doesn’t sound like that right that sounds like I bought a new outfit I’m
Gonna drag you to some awful restaurant during a playoff game okay that’s what it felt like so I’m ready for that argument she tells me she went out she got a dog now half of me isn’t upset because you got a rescue dog yeah we
Have it for a week and you know if you want to keep it we can so I going let me see it so we started skyping and she’s pans around you know what she got she got a pit bull So he’s been doing pull-ups it’s entire life tripods were still taped up it’s like shadow box but p90x Jesus Christ if she said like now he’s three she said no she’s adorable and all this stuff this is worst part I wasn’t getting home for three days you know and she’s all
Wrapped up in this dog you know and if I don’t get home for three days what happens when I get home on Monday and you have to go to work she’s goes well I just figured I Drive to work and you could just come home to the apartment
And meet the dog that way look at you out of your mind I’m not coming home to that that dog is bonding with you and thinks you guys lived there I’m gonna come walking in at my camp ripped off cuz I’m trying to show my name on the
Phone bills so she do play what you do you take that hellhound you put it in the goddamn car drive it to work Park in the shade do whatever you gotta do I’m coming home to a safe house and then you drive home with the dog call me when
You’re a half mile away I’ll meet you and Cujo down in the driveway we were all walking together I would be in the front to show that I am the pack leader because I watched half an episode of the dog whisperer and I think that that’s what your fault again
So true right so I’ve been out of the drive when I see you dogs are beautiful dogs literally like walking like a marine or some [ __ ] like it’s sleeping into some like okay here we go turning my back on a lot of pit bulls and I don’t even know that turns out they
Didn’t get at the shelter they found it by the LA River it lived by the LA River for two weeks and my girls response to that was like no it’s [ __ ] scary why is it scary well obviously it got enough protein so it wasn’t eating berries out
There that they was choking out coyotes breaking the Nexxus squirrels I don’t know what it was doing but it definitely was he brought a murderer into the house we’ll just rescue an alligator while you’re at it just to add to the excitement so we get the dog in the damn
House that’s exactly what I thought was gonna happen dogs sitting there looking at her then it’s looking at me and they’re looking at her like who the hell is a new guy right you guys is a guy paying the [ __ ] rent I was getting no respect so
I was just like I also write down which I was like I know what she’s doing I know what she’s doing she’s bringing this dog home cuz she thinks I’m gonna fall for it and then and then she will just have the dog and it’s just like I
Love animals okay but I’m not gonna live with one that can [ __ ] kill me and I rescue a chihuahua so when it flips out cuz I grabbed a remote too quickly I can flick it off the goddamn table or something you know sighs oh my god we got it for a week we
Got it for a week and then we make a decision so I just shut down emotionally [ __ ] this dog first two days I didn’t give a [ __ ] you know dog sitting there looking at me and I was just like Jesus Christ then on Wednesday I don’t want happen I
Started to like it a little bit you know I was watching TV you know I always talked to myself I’m always home alone I feel like a maniac I finally had some of your bunch of my ideas off it’s kind of nice sit there on TV you believe these goddamn back you’re
Still a trillion dollars and they get a bonus and they get a bonus dogs – they’re looking at me no don’t [ __ ] it damn it I think I like this dog alone you know it’s making me wanna work out you know asking a question how do you
Get these muscles then by Thursday you know I’m getting out in the air I’m walking the dog and I’m fine god damn I think I love this dogs I don’t know if you ever walked a pit bull you owe it to your life at some point in your life to
Walk a pit bull down the street I’m telling you it’s the greatest experience ever people just get the [ __ ] out of the way it’s not I mean three four blocks away they see me coming they just immediately cross the street just tremendous I don’t know why black people complain about that
It’s the greatest thing ever pit bulls are the [ __ ] it’s it’s like a gun you can pet it’s the only way to describe it they make you want a p90x or something just get in better shape so then by Friday I mean by Friday the dog was literally messing up my relationship
My poor girls sitting on the couch by herself I’m sitting there spooning with the dog and the fourth we get a leg going once we get a leg going I don’t what happened it’s four days I went from [ __ ] this dog to oh my god this thing’s gonna
Die someday how am i emotionally gonna be able to deal with it I love it absolutely I carried around like a baby I was the greatest thing ever you come home it’s shaking his tail it’s all exciting like dude you’re [ __ ] awesome it’s like – you have no idea how much I
Need that you know tremendous and you can’t appreciate how awesome a dog is as a kid you could only do it as an adult as a kid there’s like no frame of reference it’s like you’re a kid your whole life is awesome it’s awesome right
Never think about being a kid you had no money you had no ID no cell phone no nothing no keys to the house you just ran outside into the woods you weren’t scared of nothing I challenge you to do that as an adult all your idea
All your credit card just run it on us no phone turn the corner where you can’t see your house and not have a full-on panic attack your whole life is awesome as a kid right you show up no money just get stuff grilled cheese movie tickets right
Why wouldn’t a dog be awesome everything is awesome it’s not – you’re an adult that you appreciate it right your dreams start dying somebody cheats on you right bankers [ __ ] up your 401k get out then you come home that dog zoo canary you’re like dude you’re awesome it’s like no dude you
It’s unreal it’s unreal my poor girl she’s sitting on Jesus Christ she loved to dog more than he loved me it’s like well sweetie you know at the back door shaking your ass every time I come it’s really a tough no matter what time 4:00
In the morning drunk so anyway so like I said mentioned I’m 41 years old if I’m lucky you know I realize I’m halfway through my [ __ ] right now I’m halfway through my life so you know get nervous you know about dying you know just growing old man I was never really
Nervous about till I got to this age and you know you know once I went to my grandmother’s 100 year birthday party and I quickly realized that women age a lot better towards the end you know guys we hang with them in the beginning because we’re young and then in the
Middle they’re having kids so we kind of pass them but that end that last third we’re like the stock market we just we just go right down to the ground it’s brutal I went to this party all the old ladies they were unbelievably shocked I was still playing cars right
There but some of the old dudes man they were brutal you know you ever see a guy like so old he has like that permanent look of horror on his face there’s always that one guy just because walking in just like good even when they’re sitting down
Meeting people and this is my grandson bill it’s like dude how much pain are you in that you constantly have a look on your face like that [ __ ] from the rain just crawled out of the TV set so that’s gotta be you’re like so old like everything hurts you just standing up
Where you gotta lean uh so even like blinking like errors here don’t [ __ ] kill me kill me if I ever end up like that dude I’ll [ __ ] kill myself up rock myself down a flight of stairs I’ll lean back hit my head on a sink whatever I
Gotta do I told you I didn’t think about killing myself twice a week at this age there was no [ __ ] way I’m going out like that the end of my life I’m walking around everyone else has that panic doll [ __ ] is it going down what’s in their
Face I don’t know how you do it how do you wake up every morning brushing your teeth how do you fight the urge just jam that I’ll tell you what kills me was only the old guys had that look on their face none of the old ladies did some of
The old ladies had a look of like mild disappointment you know just sit like they always wanted to go to Europe but they never got around to it but only the old guys had like their it was almost like they wanted to tell you a secret like where’s the gold
Can you remember the combination what is that somebody said it’s like a mild format to make sure you know what I think it’s from I think it’s from being married for 60 years get nagged everyday and never once looking at your wife mean like you know what how about you shut
The [ __ ] up is the batter today like wear you down I think that where you’re done and then it was a young man I had a lot more spring of my stuff young guys the girl gives you [ __ ] you know go for a drive where’s this relationship going this
Feels weird we need to talk and [ __ ] you lady I’m gonna carve up for Drive punch the ceiling a couple times you scream out the window [Applause] then what happens what happens just stay in the relationship stay in the relationship right you get married 15 years later you got a couple of kids you got a little gut going right she starts in one Yin with that whole laundry list of stuff you got to do cuz you’re married
Suzie has ballet practice it gets over it to make sure you there to you there to you the other day that she’s very upset no you were you’re where I actually documented the record of my facebook they do I do want to give her an uppercut do you want to give her an
Uppercut no it’s an actual thought it’s a natural thought but you don’t you never leave with an uppercut you set it up with a jab and get inside you come right up through the cleavage you rock that head back to set it right across the linoleum make that dirty pistol out
You’re laying next to wipe off the door handle [ __ ] with you know water should never hit a woman you’re gonna get caught you’re gonna go to jail you’re gonna get raped it’s off what are you doing out what are you gonna do now right you’re married right
You can’t yell coz your kids are there you can’t go for a drive you don’t have a cool car anymore I got like some caravan with those sticky children of the core and handprints all over the windshield so what do you do you go down in the basement you just do like that
Whisper yelling and then I think just one day you get you just too old it’s just too old you’re tired you’ve been married like 60 years your body’s breaking down you blew your knee out at the Y playing pick-up ball like 30 years earlier and the 50 and
Older League you know and you just want to watch the game and she comes in that one last time right just to annoy it just picking on ya you always mean to my mother and I always resented you for what get your bad boy your brother right
And you start do you a [ __ ] to some number since it’s right you go to get up and that’s when it hits you that the day before was the last day you went the quad strength to get up and out of your favorite chair and that’s when the panic
Sets in you’re like oh my god I gotta listen to this for the rest of my life [Applause] both old guys are actually trying to escape [Applause]
