But I was alone I was the only black person in the restaurant and in the 90s that felt very uncomfortable now I tend to enjoy it at this age I was having dinner with my agents celebrating a deal that they told me was lucrative but I later learned [ __ ] sucked
And suddenly a group of women walked by every race was in that group black white asian Latina White white and white again they were all gorgeous I watched them walk by then I saw a familiar face Al Collins couldn’t believe what I saw and then close behind him was O.J Simpson
Newly released from jail the restaurant fell still I was shocked I didn’t mean to say it out loud but it just came out okay he stopped turn around and see who said it saw my black face and correctly assumed it was me [Applause] I was sitting in the corner of the booth
He leaned over all the white people I was having dinner with and shook my hand how are you young man he looked in my eyes and I could see in his eyes that he didn’t remember meeting me the first time and then he walked away
And I look back at my agents and all of them had nothing short of disgust on their faces and the only one with the courage to voice their disgust was a woman named Sharon who used to represent me how could you she said how could you shake hands with that murderer
I said Jim with all due respect that murderer ran for over 11 000 yards [Applause] now I could be bitter and blame all the police but now I’ll tell you who I blame it’s those [ __ ] sketch artists they keep drawing the same brother though and over again
Who is this generic man we all look like I want to know what they say when it’s us you don’t really be in that room like did you get a look do you see the guy that tried to rob you yes yes I he’s about 6
I’d say six feet tall yes he had his hat on backwards too good that’s good stuff hit was on backwards yes it was black okay big lips big nose dick hanging out say no more sir I’ll drone from memory you know let me get my stencil I think
We can trace this guy and save some time the only thing and I society that bothers me the most is the way that men and women don’t get along no more that’s really what’s bugging me about it men and women just don’t get along like
I hear women say this all the time I know a lot of your sister be like chivalry is dead don’t you don’t y’all feel that way like men aren’t gentlemen anymore that’s right chivalry is dead and women killed it [Applause] as a fundamental difference in the way
We’re going to see things we’re not going to see eye out on this issue we just now our test in life are different a woman’s test in life is material a man’s test in life is a woman Now by test I mean that those are the
Things that we desire men have nice cars not because they like nice cars because they know women like nice cars that’s how it goes because men are Hunters and the cars debate and a woman comes and says ooh nice Porsche gotcha [ __ ] that’s how it is
That’s true come on now you go to a woman’s house or house be comfortable and [ __ ] women love comfortable surroundings so men get comfortable surroundings let me tell you something if a man can [ __ ] a woman in a cardboard box he wouldn’t buy a house but that’s still not where chivalry got
Killed chivalry got killed by the feminist movement on the magazines that got women going crazy because women got too much advice about men from other women and they don’t know what the [ __ ] they talking about [Applause] and it’s true I see this [ __ ] in the magazines I don’t read them but I’ve
Been seeing the cover I look at every in the grocery store fellas he looked one of the magazines like what is this and it’s gonna cover a hundred ways to please your man by some lady get out of here ain’t no hundred way that list is four things long just suckers dick papers
Balls and then fix them a sandwich and don’t talk so much and everything happens thank you [Applause] and then the magazines tricked the women the magazine stopped picking at your self-esteem every page you turn you start feeling fatter and uglier and you feel like your clothes aren’t good
Enough and the magazines have you forgetting how [ __ ] beautiful you are and that’s what happens now look what happens and then you forget how beautiful you are and we all suffer if [ __ ] was a stock it would be plummeting right now because you flooded the market with it
You’re giving it away too easy this is I’m just being truthful I’m just talking it would plummet we’ve been watching those today [ __ ] plummeted again on the nasty snack gold is up 10 points [Applause] you can see it you ever have this happen this is how confusing it is this this is
The practical application of what I’m talking about like a guy be out it’s having a lot guys you’ll be out of Club all right he’s kicking with your boys and and a girl walks by and man she looks good she looks good not good in that classical way
I mean you know I’m talking good like she got half her ass hanging out her skirt her titties are all mashed together popping out the top of her turtleneck and [ __ ] [Applause] and he was your buddies right you with your buddies you got a couple drinks in
You and your secret ideas you might try to talk to it it might not come out right now I don’t know what you say but damn look at them titties [Applause] wait a minute just because I’m dressed this way does not make me a [ __ ] which is true
Gentlemen that is true just because they dress a certain way doesn’t mean they are a certain way don’t ever forget it but ladies you must understand that that is [ __ ] confusing just ends now that would be like me Dave Chappelle the comedian walking around the streets in a cop uniform
Somebody might run up on me oh thank God officer help us come on they’re over here help us oh just because I’m dressed this way mentally a police officer [Applause] you understand what I’m saying I was like all right lady bye fine you are not a [ __ ]
But you are wearing a horse uniform I’ll tell you that surprise no misunderstandings can happen and then man we misunderstand living a lot you know we we always undermine their feelings you can’t do that to them you can’t because see feelings are you see how they clapping feelings are very important to
Women they are all important I’m just learning this [ __ ] everything’s based on how they feel you can hear when they tell stories you ever told him Lantos story it’d be just facts who what when where why it was me and Bob we was at Safeway then that
[ __ ] Bob said this and I punched that [ __ ] and then I broke out that’s the storm foreign [Applause] women tell stories and all these feelings and well first of all you have to understand I was on my period And I just talked to my mother so I wasFeeling like they’re like ah damn it’s too many feelings what the [ __ ] happened you do it but I gotta talk about them you’ve got to talk about them that’s how they always get me I’ve been sitting there watching TV chilling and [ __ ] my old lady come up to me David
We need to talk [ __ ] I don’t say that out loud that’s how I feel inside [Applause] because I know every time we need to talk we need to talk about some [ __ ] that I gotta do we don’t ever have to talk about anything she needs to do [Applause] she leaves me defenseless
I have to do what I have to do David we need to talk don’t do that to me David this is serious stop talking in that voice now say I gotta do this you’re goddamn sick of it this is the worst time ever to be a celebrity you’re gonna be finished everyone’s doomed
Michael Jackson has been dead for 10 years and this [ __ ] has two new cases [Applause] and if you haven’t watched that documentary uh then I’m begging you don’t watch it it’s [ __ ] gross I felt like HBO was sticking baby dicks in my ears before I was straight really nasty [ __ ]
I want to know all these things turns out uh Michael Jackson allegedly likes a long Gander at the anus as they said he stands in people’s buttholes that’s what they said that’s how gross the documentary was I’m gonna say something that I’m not allowed to say but I gotta be real
I don’t believe these [ __ ] I do not believe it let me qualify the statement I I am what’s known on the streets as a victim blamer You know I mean somebody come up to me like Dave Dave Chris Brown just beat up Rihanna I’ll be like well what does she do [Applause] dang dang it’s molester children well what were those kids wearing at the time [Applause] I don’t think it did it
But you know what even if he did do it you know what I mean you know what I mean I mean it’s Michael Jackson I know more than half the people in this room have been molested in their lives but it wasn’t no goddamn Michael Jackson wasn’t
Kid got his dick sucked by the King of Pop all we get is awkward thanksgivings for the rest of our lives you know how good it must have felt to go to school the next day after that [ __ ] hey Billy how was the weekend how was my weekend Michael Jackson sucks my dick
[Applause] and that was my first sexual experience if I’m starting here then boom sky’s the limit [Applause] I know it seems harsh but man somebody’s got to teach these kids there’s no such thing as a free trip to Hawaii he’s going to want to look at your butthole or something [Applause]You know why I don’t believe it you know I don’t believe it because Michael Jackson’s out here doing all this molesting that then why not Macaulay Culkin hmm Macaulay Culkin stayed in an interview that Michael Jackson never did anything inappropriate with him or even around him think about that [ __ ] you know
I’m not a pedophile but if I was Macaulay Culkin’s the first kid I’m [ __ ] I’ll tell you that right now [Applause] I’d be a goddamn hero hey that guy over there [ __ ] a kid from Home Alone and you know how hard he is to catch [Applause] All Our Stars man
R Kelly pissed on his victim I know it’s rough I mean again I can’t even judge R Kelly first of all we don’t know if these allegations are true and not even if they are true if you want to know how I feel about it honestly
If a man cannot pee on his fans I want to be in show business anymore because well that’s why I got in the game baby I got dreams too you guys are confusing the issue why you guys are busy worrying about if R Kelly even peed on this girl or not you’re not
Asking yourself the real question that America needs to decide once and for all and that question is how old is 15 really that’s a good question that’s a good question I’m not saying that a person is as smart as they’re going to be at 15. that’s not
What I’m saying man but I am saying 15 to me it’s old enough to decide whether or not you want to be pissed on I mean that’s me if you can’t make a decision like that by the time you’re 15 and just give up [ __ ] because life is way harder than that
I make tougher decisions all the time if you don’t want to get pissed I won’t just get the [ __ ] out of the way it’s not even a decision if I stop peeing on the front row they’re not gonna have to calculate and think of how do I feel
About this am I okay with it they just move thank you you can do that at 15. I could have I’ve been 15 when I was 15. I was doing stand-up and night clubs I smoked rape from time to time friends were selling crack I was trying to finger [ __ ] people
I knew what was happening around me to some degree getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15. trust me but it keeps coming up it’s a lot of confusion around that age anytime 15 comes up people freak out like when that girl Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped
Right remember in Utah last year’s 15 young girl Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped and then they finally found her and the whole country was relieved and I was the only one saying damn she wasn’t that smart after all not cause she got kidnapped that could happen to anybody I’m not knocking her
For that I’m just saying if you’re kidnap me when I was 15 you gotta take me further than eight miles away from my house man God damn can’t hold me prison around [ __ ] I recognize I’ll break away I’ll break away [ __ ] off me [ __ ] that’s my bus
Stop I know where I’m at I’m going home she was missing for six months eight miles away from a house that’s two exits man that’s nothing and while she was missing during this half a year that this girl is Missing there’s a seven-year-old black girl gets kidnapped in Philadelphia
Nobody knows her name they might have talked about it two or three times on the news but she should have been the top story because she chewed through the ropes and had both of these [ __ ] in jail in 45 minutes flat seven years old I’m not making this up
The two crackheads kidnapped her and took back to the crack house and tied her up and then they left her he said crackheads I gotta make moves crack smoke chocolate to eat these [ __ ] make moves it was out as soon as they left this little girl got the nibbling
Kidnapped at four o’clock and at home watching herself on the news at 5 30. that [ __ ] is crazy that’s a that’s a news story it’s a news story now meanwhile in Utah 15 year old Elizabeth Smart’s captains left her alone too and they didn’t even tie her up because they’re Hillbillies
They just bounced don’t try to escape [ __ ] or we’ll kill you be right back she’s 15 sitting in the house by herself come on Elizabeth think thank Elizabeth how am I gonna get out of here why don’t you just open the [ __ ] door and go outside have you thought about that
Do you have a quarter do you know your phone number your 15 [ __ ] run stop thinking and stop making moves [Applause] I know I sound men and I know what the people are thinking when I’m saying the stage she is only 15. all right but that’s the discrepancy because when you
Talk about a little girl like Elizabeth Smart then the country feels like 15 is so young and so innocent on the flip side Here Comes 15 again now we talk about a 15 year old black kid in Florida this black kid accidentally killed his neighbor when he’s practicing wrestling
Moves that he saw on TV now was he a kid no they gave him life they always try out 15 year olds as adults the Snicker knew what he was doing it’s a goddamn pile driver this kid gets on the ropes there’s no stopping him you’d have to send the rock to arrest
Them and they gave a 15 year old boy life in jail if you think that it’s okay to give him life in jail then it should be legal to pee on him that’s all I’m saying you got to make up your mind across the board how old 15 actually is that’s all I’m
Saying cause I’m gonna tell you right now if somebody comes in here and puts a gun in my head and says Chappelle you got a choice to make you’re either going to jail for a month or we’ll let you go but you got to let R Kelly pee on you
I’m not hesitating bringing R Kelly and tell him to stay away from my eyes I’d rather get pissed on on the outside and [ __ ] the butt on the inside I can’t go to jail with some smooth Botox balls and think everything’s gonna be all right it’s not that time to place taking my chance with that piss pistol wash off with a 10 minute shower I’m certain of it it’s coming right out what can I do they’re gonna put me in jail
Too much pressure that’s my problem I can’t I can’t handle pressure sometimes pressure make me talk different I’m serious you ever have like that social pressure talk to somebody who’s fake and they make you fake like that County like hey how you doing you’re like fine how are you you’re like
I don’t even talk like that [Applause] I get sick of that [ __ ] I do it this makes me sick sometimes I’ll talk crazy just to make myself feel better yo do that and start talking like crazy have you ever hear this voice man that’s how bad guys used to talk in the 40s
In the old days say I talk like that not all the time but if somebody put the pressure on me [ __ ] it I gotta I gotta cut loose maybe the police pull me over I talk crazy son son do you know why we pulled you over man cause I’m black see that’s right
I’ll do it it’s not illegal to talk like that how they know I don’t talk like that every day stop talking like that stop talking like white copper try talk say you gotta make life interesting like that because this [ __ ] is flimsy life is flimsy you think you’re gonna live forever
It’s dangerous out here we know what’s going on I travel now you know I used to think DC had the reference ghettos in the country nah [ __ ] I have seen some [ __ ] now oh there’s some rough rough areas outside of DC and everybody should go to the ghetto I
Was taking it again at one time that’s the worst when you get taken and you’re not expecting to go you know usually you want to know when you’re going to get her like I’m going to see some loud [ __ ] I got to prepare myself I’m going to do something crazy
When you’re taking it’s different I had a limousine driver it was after the show it was late at night it was like three in the morning at limousine drive he was a nice guy talking to me and [ __ ] oh hey where you from dog DC word all right that’s a rough City man
And his cell phone inside the ring hold on one second hello oh what’s up [ __ ] what what the [ __ ] slow man what the [ __ ] now now [ __ ] that [ __ ] [ __ ] it I’m on my way [Applause] I gotta make a stop real quick at three o’clock in the morning I didn’t
Know he was taking me to ghetto at first I started looking at the window I was like what the [ __ ] gun store gun store liquor store Gun Store where the [ __ ] are you taking me just don’t look good he didn’t say [ __ ] just pulled up in front of an old
Rickety building that looked like a project now I never been there before I’m not sure if it was a project but it certainly had all the familiar symptoms of a project a [ __ ] crackhead ran this way and then another one jumped out of tree and [ __ ] and I said I’ll be right back
And left me took the keys with me just let me at three o’clock in the morning in front of a project in a [ __ ] limousine this was not good I was like man I gotta look around see if I can see some landmarks and figure out where I’m at
Might have to escape on foot that is when I knew I was in a bad neighborhood you only see this in the worst neighborhoods remember it’s three o’clock in the morning it’s three o’clock in the morning I look out the window it was a [ __ ] baby standing on a corner foreign [Applause] [Applause]
I don’t trust you either I’m sorry click the old baby on the corner trick eh I’m not gonna fall for that [ __ ] cause where is this limousine driver you know I stopped feeling bad time goes by I start feeling worse like man what is wrong with me what the hell
Is wrong I’m scared of a baby and this baby could be in trouble he might need my help I gotta do something but I wasn’t gonna get out the car I’m serious man I just cracked the window a little bit there’s an old limousine I can roll it down [Applause] hey baby
Baby go home man it’s three o’clock in the morning what the [ __ ] are you doing now the baby said I’m selling weed [ __ ] are those [Applause] I wasn’t expecting it I’m sorry I had to buy two bags from the combiners yeah back in the car and rolled me a
Joint man that [ __ ] was scary man every once in a while like a crack kid would come up to the car and look in the Windows like Jurassic parking should he be looking all the cars hey get out of here cracky that baby was still standing there man
That’s not feeling bad again yeah we make you feel guilty sometimes man what is wrong with me man I have just bought weed from a from an infant I can’t condone this kind of behavior what am I thinking I can’t let the fear ruin my morals gotta do something foreign
Stop selling weed all right you got your whole life ahead of you he said [ __ ] you [ __ ] I got kids to feed you that’s a guy [Applause] can’t do everything maybe we if you’re gonna do something do a little weed smokes we we’re eating that as bad as everything else
Sweet is a background substance I mean you can smoke some herb and still function and you ain’t crisp but your function nothing higher than weed though I made that mistake one time I was at a party some guy gave me some [ __ ] he’s like here man take this it’s [ __ ] mushrooms
I took it I forgot all about it you know then a couple days later I found that [ __ ] in my pocket I’m thinking why not because I’m thinking it’s like we some background [ __ ] I plan my whole day out like it was weed thank you
I’ll chew this [ __ ] up then I go to the barber shop get my hair cut and then I’ll see a movie I chewed it up so far so good then I was in a barber shop like an hour later and it’s funny because I was just thinking to myself I was like oh this stuff sucks tastes like a athlete’s foot I feel sick but I’m not really high then I looked in the mirror
I saw the Barber’s reflection man it looked like it looked like a big penis was cutting my hair I freaked out I started talking to myself Dave calm down you’re on drugs this is what drugs do okay you know that there is no way better penis can cut hay foreign
Freaking out man I just couldn’t take it anymore I jumped out the chair half my hair was cut I didn’t care I had a thing I just gave a bob a handful of money it was weird the balls opened up anyway I I ran home man I ran home as fast as I
Could tripping tripping I looked at the clock it was 2 42. I was like damn 242. I got a sober upper I never been this high this early I took a shower I was still high said maybe music will do the trick I listened to every CD I had I was still high exercise that’s what I’ll do I ran around the block four times still high took a nap woke up [ __ ] up
I looked at the clock it was 2 43 I said God damn but there’s more important reason that I would stop doing comedy right now and this reason is the real reason that’s been percolating and it really is the crowd not you I’m talking about
The crowd on the big stage it’s too hard to entertain a country whose ears are so brittle [ __ ] are so sensitive the whole country has turned into [ __ ] ass [ __ ] everything you say upsets somebody but [ __ ] are just taking it too far I don’t know why or how everybody
Got this goddamn sensitive you know who hates me the most the transgender community yeah oh yeah these [ __ ] I mean I didn’t realize how bad it was these [ __ ] I was really mad about that last Netflix special it’s tough man I don’t know what to do about it because because I like them
I always have never had a problem with them you know just [ __ ] around and matter of fact I think I make fun of everybody and I mean as a group of people they have to admit kind of [ __ ] hilarious man I’m sorry [Applause] but not have a sense of humor about it
They’re born feeling like there’s something other than they’re born as and that’s kind of funny you know I mean it’s funny if it’s not happening to you I believe transgenders I don’t understand them either but I know they mean what they say them [ __ ] cut their dicks off
That’s all the proof I need I’ve never seen somebody just throw their dick away don’t need it [Applause] I don’t understand but I believe you when I support your decision [ __ ] [Applause] there’s a problem and that’s feminist movement isn’t there from its Inception in America there’s always been a racial component when
Susan B Anthony was having that meeting and Sojourner truth’s black ass showed up read your history books older white women as Sojourner Truth not to speak they didn’t want to conflate the issues of women’s rights and slavery but you know how black [ __ ] are Sojourner Truth went up there anyway
She did a famous speech she said ain’t I a woman ain’t I a woman that’s right and and listen listen listen I I supported the metoo movement but but the whole time the whole time I thought that the way they handled that was stupid it was it was white it was like They were doing [ __ ] like going to the Golden Globes and all of them would be like let’s all go to the Golden Globes and wear black dresses to give these men a piece of our minds [ __ ] that is not gonna work you think Martin Luther King’s gonna be
Like I want everybody to keep riding the bus but wear matching outfits you got to get off the bus and walk it’s real talk a real talk that was a silly movement I want everybody to wear a crochet to [ __ ] hat so they know we’re serious what the [ __ ] was y’all doing
And then I said something about it in one of my specials and all these women actresses came after me I said man [ __ ] y’all too you canceled I ain’t jerking off to none of your pictures again they were like who is he to tell us anything I’ll tell you exactly who I am
I’m the one that got off the bus and left 50 million dollars on the bus and walked I agreed with these women I just didn’t agree with what they were doing about Right right no it was annoying as [ __ ] because if these women were serious you know what they would have done they all would have fired their agents and they would have went to the mail room of one of these big agencies and found a woman that was busting her up in
There and said if you want to talk to us and you have to talk to her and if they did that and she would be big and they would be big and nobody would get fed to Harvey Weinstein but did they do that no was that their idea no surprisingly it was mine
When I think the feminist movement needs to be very successful as a male leader [Applause] I’ll do it I will I will lead you women to the promised land I will make sure you get equal pay it will work I will make sure that nobody harasses you or [ __ ] with you on the
Job I will protect all of your interests and all that I ask for in return is that you suck my dick Timmy was one of my first White friends like in my life man it’s a good dude too he moved to Silver Spring from Utah of all places
I guess his family was affiliated with that Mormon church they got down there and me and him used to hang out and one day I was at his house we were just hanging out and Timmy says Dave why don’t you stay for dinner tonight I
Said oh man I’d love to but I can’t if I’m not home before dark my mother will kill me that was a lie my mother had several jobs I hadn’t seen her like three or four days and the only reason I lied to Timmy was
Because at that point in my life it was my experience that white dinner wasn’t delicious thank you I’d rather go home and fry some bologna or some [ __ ] like that [Applause] but then Old Timmy threw me a curveball I wasn’t expecting he said oh it’s too bad you can’t stay Dave cause um
Mama made stove top stuffing at the [ __ ] stove top well hold on [ __ ] let me make some phone calls real quick I had seen that commercial so many times I had dreamed of getting my hands on some of that stovetop stuffer foreign ly I met a [ __ ] that actually
Had a box of stove top in the house I couldn’t miss this opportunity so I pretended to call my mother and then I came back and I said Timmy Timmy you’re not going to believe this great news mom said I can stay he said fantastic he said why don’t you come
With me and we’ll help set the table and then we can say the blessing I had no interest in setting this motherfucker’s table or saying these crazy ass Mormon prayers just wanted that God damn stuffing so I told him I said you know what I’d
Love to help it let me go wash my hands first my plan was simple wash my hands slowly and by the time I’m done the table will be set the blessing will be said and all that there will be left to do is eat went to the bathroom
I wash my hands very slowly I must have been in there for about 10 minutes and suddenly one of his mothers came to the door [Applause] She was like hi David right I said yes ma’am she said Timmy tells me that you’re planning on staying for dinner I said I hope that’s not a problem ma’am she says no it’s no problem in fact we’d love to have you it’s just that we weren’t expecting company and I’m afraid
There’s not enough stove top stuffing for everybody so I kicked her in the [ __ ] [Applause] still didn’t see it coming and that’s why I make the big boss [Applause] no I feel real bad fools is Indians everybody feels bad for Indians they get dog they get dogged openly because everybody thinks they’re dead
These [ __ ] are not all dead all right I’ve seen with my own eyes I’ve seen a gathering of 1500 Native Americans they were all gathered in one place the place is called Walmart New Mexico there’s aliens there I never seen Indians before I wasn’t even sure if
They were Indians it’s [ __ ] up but I asked one of them it’s not nice but I seen them in the sports section looking at bows and arrows I had to say something excuse me [Applause] because I don’t mean to be rude um are you an Indian and he was cool yes
Yes I’m Indian still didn’t believe him I had to test them to be sure this is [ __ ] up but I had a gum wrapper in my pocket so I balled that [ __ ] up and I threw it on the floor and a single tear came out his asset oh [ __ ]
I had so many questions what tribe are you from I am a Navajo I say a word I studied you in social studies you’re a hunter-gatherer correct I said I guess so that’s what you wish to call it and why what do you call it he said I am an alcoholic [Applause]
I said well what’s your name dog he said please dog is my cousin that’s a good guess my name is running coyote what is your name prin and that [ __ ] called me off guard I mean I didn’t want to say my name was Dave to a [ __ ] named running coyote
Just don’t feel good enough he’s putting me on the spot I said huh my name but oh my name’s uh black feet I changed the subject forget about me about me what’s going on with you I want to meet your chief why don’t me you and your Chief me and
Friends get together tonight we could have a real live peace pipe smoking ritual we need to celebrate [ __ ] I thought you were dead and he set it up it was beautiful it was just like I dreamed it was all sitting around the Indians was beating the drum All the Indians came out the back with a long blanket that was folded in half and put in in front of us the long one and bags of weed were all over the blanket Chief walked over the big ones are 50. the little ones are 25
. man those Indians got high as [ __ ] I was baked I told her she was talking I cut them off time out chief sorry to interrupt [ __ ] smash man the weeds too strong I’m itching this is PCP the spirits have got me Chief the spirits have got me
And the chief threw some water in my face calmed down black face splash I said hey his black feet [ __ ] take it easy black feet you’re welcome to stay amongst me in my tribe for the night until the spirits leave you and they gave me my own TP to sleep in
Which sounds nice I personally felt like it was a little [ __ ] up you know because they all had houses man it’s like why can’t I sleep with y’all in the house and watch TV like I can’t be on this grass all night now I was hanging out with a friend of
Mine he’s a white guy you know we were just hanging out and we were lost in the city you know we were smoking a joint now I don’t know if it’s a coincidence that we were lost and had [ __ ] but my wife brother he was smoking a joint Dave Dave
It’s the goddamn cops [Applause] I’m gonna ask them for directions I said chip no chip don’t do it it was too late he was walking over there this man was high as [ __ ] excuse me excuse me sir touch them and [ __ ] excuse me [Applause] you need some information uh
It’s not confessing things you shouldn’t confess I’m a little high all I want to know which way is Third Street the Cowboys like hey take it easy you’re on Third Street you better be careful go ahead move it move it that’s all that happened that’s the end of the story
Now I know that’s not amazing to some of you but she has one of these black fellas that [ __ ] is [ __ ] incredible isn’t it talking to the police hi that’s a waste of weed [Applause] I mean I’d be scared of talking to the police when I’m sleepy [ __ ] around get the wrong ideas
Oh my God that [ __ ] was on PCP Johnson I had to use necessary Force you saw him no no no paperwork just just sprinkle some crack on them let’s get out of here that’s how it is but at the time I didn’t think it was anything racial
About it I was like man chip you got [ __ ] lucky you better be careful but then another time me and Chip are driving now I’m not driving chip is driving and he’s driving a little crazy he’s been drinking I don’t like to let my friends drive
Drunk but you know I was smoking a joint I couldn’t really say [ __ ] to the ground [Applause] and we’re getting a red light we stop at a red light and the car pulls up next to us and I’ll never forget it chippy looks at me is all drunk and she’s like Dave
I’m gonna race them [Applause] I knew it was a bad idea but I was high I tried to explain them it was a bad idea but all that came out well [ __ ] sometimes you got a race I don’t know foreign [Applause] I’m scared of [ __ ] I mean come on the
Car smells like weed I’m in speeding this man is [ __ ] drunk I’m scared chip was not scared at all it was weird he didn’t turn his radio down and it was weird a little bit I mean if you get pulled over once you turn your radio down nobody won’t get
Their ass beat to a soundtrack and [ __ ] I’m saying chip had the music blasting We’re Not Gonna attack one of the ways to do just relax close your butt cheeks relax [Applause] let me do the talking you wanna know what he said is almost exactly what he said
I couldn’t believe it he says oh oh sorry officer I I didn’t know I couldn’t do that I was [ __ ] shocked the cop said well now you know get out of here just get the [ __ ] out of here [Applause] she said okay Ella I will sir thank you what
What’s wrong with you Dave I didn’t know I couldn’t do that he said that was good wasn’t it because I did know I couldn’t do that ‘ll be real with you and I know nobody gives a [ __ ] what I think anyway uh I’m not for abortion oh shut up [ __ ] [Applause]
I’m not for it but I’m not against it either foreign on who I get pregnant I don’t care I’ll tell you right now I don’t care what your religious beliefs are anything if you have a dick you need to shut the [ __ ] up on this one seriously [Applause] this is theirs
The right to choose is their unequivocal rights not only do I believe they have the right to choose I believe that they shouldn’t have to consult anybody except for a position about how they exercise that right gentlemen that is fair and ladies to be fair to us
I also believe if you decide to have the baby a man should not have to pay that’s fair if you can kill this [ __ ] I can at least abandon them it’s my money my choice [Applause] and if I’m wrong then perhaps we’re wrong let’s figure that [ __ ] out for yourselves [Applause]
I mean really uh what the [ __ ] are we doing I can’t live in this new world you’re proposing and meanwhile while we’re worrying about all this other [ __ ] look at what’s happening they just killed another 12 people in a mass shooting in Virginia Beach this is happening every
Week it happens so much I’m almost I don’t care anymore I came home early from the road I had a 12 000 suit on because life’s been going good and I got home early and dinner was cooking you ever come home when dinner’s cooking doesn’t smell good and my son
Saw me and he was like dad’s home and he got up from the table and ran over to give me a hug but he had chicken grease all over his face so I stepped on him my man watch these strands son it’s an expensive suit I don’t want you to get
The chicken grease all over me and he was like what the chicken grease damn this is Duck the tear came out of my ass I never dreamed I do so well in life that I’d raised a [ __ ] with duck grease all over his face foreign [Applause]
I was coming I was coming from overseas and uh I don’t know how this guy got a machine gun on the plane but he stood up man he said everybody nobody look at my face I started freaking out because he was Chinese I was like why is he talking like that
Was screaming and crying I was the only brother on the plane well I thought I was the only brother I looked over there was one of the black dude he was from Nigeria I I looked over them he was looking right in my face man he didn’t say two
Words to me he just looked at me he was like he was talking about look right back again [Applause] some white dudes on the front of playing Cena said we’re like oh my God I think those black guys are gonna try to save us [Applause] we were just communicating
That we understood the situation we were both seeing the same thing what we understood was simple terrorists don’t take black hostages that’s the truth I have yet to see one of us on the news reading the hostage letter um they is treating us good uh we all chilling and [ __ ]
I’d like to give a shout out to Ray Ray and Big Steve sense of Newport [Applause] you’re not gonna see it terrorists are smart they know what they’re doing there you know they terrorists they know black people’s bad bargain chips they called the White House hello we have got five block hello [Applause]
[Applause] we’ll be back in DC you know what I’m thinking man this is this is an election year I’m gonna ask you your white guy do you know who you’re voting for yet don’t know do you now you see that you see what just happened here let meTell you something that is a cultural thing he knows who is going to vote for he’s just not gonna tell me team I’ve noticed that that is a cultural thing white people do not like to talk about their political affiliations it’s a secret yeah that’s white guy who’s
Vulnerable hey Bob uh Bob Who you gonna vote for Dave Dave whoa whoa whoa whoa take it easy now take it easy so anyway um I was [ __ ] my wife in her ass right and and I mean it was something else yeah yeah yeah yeah but who are you voting for Dave
Babe come on with the voting trying to talk about the [ __ ] my wife here ask me all these personal questions they don’t like to divulge that information because it matters to them black people talk about that [ __ ] black people will openly talk about politics but people openly talk about beating up
Politicians and [ __ ] if I see George Bush I’ll kick his [ __ ] ass for cutting my middle okay okay I would just say it but there’s a reason for that it doesn’t matter it’s more for that matter is more black people see so even when I vote right which I don’t but but
When I like think about like who I would vote for right I don’t even look at their political policies I just look at their character you know what I’m saying now you got to read no I’m serious you gotta read between the lines like you know you look at Clinton and
Black people like Clinton because we’ve seen them on a case I saw one thing on a campaign Trail he he actually just picked the black baby up and come here little [ __ ] baby come on awesome I like that he did not hesitate or nothing you see George Bush Jr he’d be then oh like I said I’d never vote for George Bush Jr but I don’t know George Bush Jr’s Politics the only thing I know about George Bush Jr is that that guy sniffed cocaine that’s right now listen
We cannot have that [ __ ] in the White House that might be fine for a mayor but God they may not know mmm [Applause] states are too high in the White House can’t have no Coke head president he’ll be selling nuclear secrets for twenty thirty dollars and [ __ ] could be in meetings embarrassing
America come on sign the treaty baby I suck your dick like what the [ __ ] I miss me all right [Applause]
