Grown nobody look at my face I started freaking out because he was Chinese I was like why is he talking like that [Applause] he was screaming and crying I was the only brother on the plane well I thought I was young brother I looked over there was one of the black dude he
Was from Nigeria I I looked over to him he was looking right in my face man he didn’t say two words to me he just looked at me he was like oh I know just what he’s talking about look right back at him [Applause] some white dudes on the front of the
Plane seen us they were like oh my God I think those black guys are gonna try to save us [Applause] we were just communicating that we understood the situation we were both seeing the same thing what we understood was simple terrorists don’t take black hostages
That’s the truth I have yet to see one of us on the news reading the hostage letter um they is treating us good uh we all chilling and [Β __Β ] I’d like to give a shout out to Ray Ray and big Steve you know sense of Newport you and Matt gonna see it
Terrorism smart they know what they’re doing there you know they terrorists they know black people’s bad bargaining chips they called the White House hello we have got five black hello [Applause] I’m having an artistic dilemma I have two poems one poem is older and one poem I just wrote backstage
Which one would you like to hear wait how many for the old one how many for the new one all right so remember if it sucks you ask for it [Applause] one night at three a.m I went to the corner store I forgot why oh that’s
Right I wanted to bite I had the munchies because I was high the stores owned by Mr phone and every day he sees me he does me wrong he’s Korean now I’d never say I hate old Korean people I haven’t met all Korean people that hate talks for Savages
But even though I don’t generalize I do do percentages and averages [Applause] so far I hate one out of five Korean people I’ve met the same thing so I come in the store hello Mr phone I say and he just scowls at me and growls at me buy something Hardy up now look
I’m not stealing in the least but if you’re shopping and you know someone’s watching your shop that [Β __Β ] will make you look like a thief [Applause] I said hey hey I’ve been watching you since you came in the door buy something now or get out of my store
Now I couldn’t take it anymore hey hey I said raise my hand get your fingers out of my face China man [Applause] Mr Fox Say hey hey what make you think I’m Chinese you must not know what you’re saying you made a mistake brackman at least the phone is Korean [Applause]
Now I was wrong I was wrong I said uh Mr Fong I’m sorry to offend by mistaking your race but you gotta admit if it was a Chinese look-alike contest your ass would place you’re a dead ringer for Chinese but don’t be mad at me I didn’t mean to
Offend you in the least you know some people say all black people look alike we call those people police thank you it’s too much [Β __Β ] out there to stress you out this whole world’s just drug infested hate infested drug infested World hate drugs I heard the worst drugstore you
Know my friend told me you know what he’s dealing with his landlord is hooked on crack that’s that’s terrible there’s pressure your landlord’s hooked on crack that means you gotta have the rent you come around it’s not even due yet it’s the 10th come on I need
I need it let me just get 20 of it now and then uh just give me the rest of the other month every couple hours hey look I’m gonna need some more of the rent this building’s falling apart things came up comes home early from a party
Landlords in a crib going through his [Β __Β ] what are you doing in my house ah where’s the saint I came to fix it it’s in the kitchen I thought it was in the drawer I’ll fix it tomorrow when I come for the rent you know I hate about drugs I hate when
Like people my age and older get hooked on crack I hate that [Β __Β ] you two you’re too old to be experimenting with the drugs at a certain point you should be past that you ain’t doing it by a certain point you just miss it drugs are really for old people anyway
You 75 you learn the right if I was 75 I do Coke heroin and everything I wouldn’t give a [Β __Β ] I’ve been walking down the street they’d be like boy that old man is tripping foreign [Applause] can’t do everything maybe we gonna do something do a little weeds
Folks we we’re eating that as bad as everything else Swede is a background substance I mean you can smoke some herb and still function and you ain’t crisp but you’ll function nothing higher than weed though I made that mistake one time I was at a party some guy gave me some [Β __Β ] he’s
Like here man take this it’s [Β __Β ] mushrooms I took it I forgot all about it you know then a couple days later I found that [Β __Β ] in my pocket I’m thinking why not because I’m thinking it’s like weed some background [Β __Β ] I planned my whole day out like it was weed
I’ll chew this [Β __Β ] up then I go to the barber shop get my hair cut and then I’ll see a movie shoot it up so far so good then I was in a barber shop like an hour later and it’s funny because I was just thinking to myself I was like oh
Tastes like athlete’s foot I feel sick but I’m not really high then I looked in the mirror I saw the Baba’s reflection man it looked like it looked like a big penis was cutting my hair I freaked out I started talking to myself Dave calm down you’re on drugs
This is what drugs do you know that there was no way better penis can cut hay foreign [Applause] I just couldn’t take it anymore I jumped out the chair half my head was cut I didn’t care all right I didn’t I just gave a bob a handful of money
It was weird the balls opened up anyway I I ran home man I ran home as fast as I could tripping tripping I looked at the clock it was 2 42. I was like damn 242. I gotta sober up I’ve never been this high this early I took a shower
I was still high I said maybe music will do the trick I listened to every CD I had I was still high exercise that’s what I’ll do I ran around the block four times still high took a nap woke up [Β __Β ] up I looked at the clock it was 2 43 I said
God damn scared of death of these police I am [Β __Β ] I got a police scanner first first money I got this the first [Β __Β ] I went out bought me a police can I just listened to these [Β __Β ] before I go out just to make sure everything’s
Cool you hear [Β __Β ] on it call me on cars calling on cars be able to look out for a black male between four seven and six eight staying in the crib tonight [Β __Β ] that gotta work on that Alabama for a minute every black person needs an Alabama
I do them impromptu joins if I’m by myself I need help I’ll just open up the windows in the apartment Turn All the Lights On stop beating off Frank the window look at me it’s me Pam praise them jerking over note the time [Β __Β ] is 235 look
At me I’m jerking off on the window 235 completing Dave Chappelle is June 10th no the time that [Β __Β ] could save my life officer David Chappelle couldn’t have done that I saw him in his window masturbating from 235 to 237 I’m certain of it he was standing on a clock and holding a
Calendar and today’s paper [Β __Β ] I need an hour bath I can’t beat no celebrity this [Β __Β ] is just the worst I’m saying it I can see why I see why stars are crazy man these [Β __Β ] I went to Disney World with my kids
Which is a big deal for me I want to see my kids so much at new Chappelle Show 20 hours a day sleep for like half an hour raise my kids for 10 20 minutes and not go back to work now this particular day I got to hook up
With the kids we went to Disney World everybody at the park look at everybody hey hey Rick James [Β __Β ] hey Rick James [Β __Β ] it’s like hey man hey you might not call me a [Β __Β ] in front of my kids time out [Β __Β ] we take a day off
Even Mickey Mouse did it I said this is the most unprofessional [Β __Β ] I have ever seen in my life Rick James [Β __Β ] I was Fed Up I caught that [Β __Β ] with the uppercut pop knocked his head clean off everybody was screaming oh my God oh my God Mickey Mouse is Mexican [Applause]
I don’t live with jails don’t deal with jails and I don’t deal with police my house got robbed in New York I didn’t even call the police I wanted to but I couldn’t my crib is too nice it’s not that it’s too nice but it’s too nice for me
You know how to police on New York as soon as I open the door they’ll be like he’s still here open and shut case Johnson apparently this black guy broke in and hung up pictures of his family everywhere never seen anything like it don’t deal with them man I had to bail a
Friend of mine out of jail one time you know that was horrible I was scared I had to walk right into the belly of the Beast I tried to look as non-threatening as possible hi I’m here to bail out my buddy oh okay well while you’re here you do fit a description
You’ll walk this way we can process you I’d always get us fitting those damn descriptions that could be bitter and blame all the police but now I’ll tell you who I blame it’s those sketch artists they keep drawing the same brother over and over again
Who is this generic man we all look like I want to know what they say when it’s us you’re not really be in that room like did you see the guy that tried to rob you yes yes I I did he’s about 60 old I’d say six six feet tall yes he had his hat on backwards too good that’s good stuff
Was on backwards yes it was black okay big lips big nose hanging out say no more sir now drone from memory you know let me get my stencil I think we can trace this guy and save some time I’ve been accused of having sex with a
Girl I did not have sex with before let me tell you something that [Β __Β ] is infuriating you ever go through the through that it’ll make you crazy screaming at your best friends I didn’t touch that [Β __Β ] [Β __Β ] I’ll kill you [Β __Β ] you [Β __Β ] I kill you please believe me please believe me [Applause]
Clinton didn’t do it like that did it Clint came out of the press conference all relaxed shoulders all relaxed and all this trouble look like he just got done [Β __Β ] or something oh listen let me tell you something America I don’t think you heard me the first time [Applause] I did not have
Sexual relations with that woman Mr whiskey [Applause] thank you thank you everybody know what that finger smell like nobody cares nobody cared we all watched we was disgusting but we kept watching the news I know I was taping it sounded the crib like maybe turn the lights off the news is coming on
Every week on 16 minutes was a different girl accusing Clinton remember Kathleen Willie came out she was upset the president called me into his office he began massaging my breast slowly I’m sorry and then he placed my hand on his genitals and Bradley was shot was he aroused
How’s it home like yeah was he arousing and then Ed Bradley look right in the camera he said don’t bust that nut yet we’ll be right back thank you oh man the news ain’t never been so good but there were no victims there were no
Victims only when I feel sorry for is is that uh Lewinsky I feel a little cyber don’t y’all feel a little sorry for her though God damn y’all come on man I have a heart that’s a hard thing to be famous for man nobody want to be the most famous
[Β __Β ] of all times I feel bad for her not even the women feel sorry for a little bit ladies now that’s jealousy that’s what that is I mean come on that’s one dick that girl sucked it’s gonna haunt her for the rest of her life long after she spent thatMoney up that’s still gonna haunt her and I know there’s a lot of women in here with at least one dick they regret and I bet you one of the president’s dick I bet she worked at Kenny’s shoes see we got to stop judging people that
Girl was young and she made a mistake that young girls make she wanted to [Β __Β ] a powerful man period that’s as far as she thought it through she wasn’t thinking about how powerful the president was she had no wisdom the older women would have helped everybody older woman would have been in
There you know um you should lower taxes they know this song You know this is my grand My grandmother used to sing that when she cleaning up that’s a Negro spiritual black work song not everybody know about that see white people you guys might whistle when you work you think but that’s how you can tell what kind of work we’re actually doing [Applause] [Applause]
I said it kind of I do anything that has to do with race I read a little here see a little there and I travel that’s always good uh traveling has made me uh uh racism connoisseur if you will you know it’s different from region to region anyone ever been down south
So you guys know what I’m talking about and the racism down now it’s just perfect it’s due to a Perfection it’s comfortable it’s outly open there are no secrets in Mississippi everybody knows the deal morning [Β __Β ] morning sir [Applause] right up here you hit the big cities man it’s
Different it’s always a secret and we should do like them we should keep on open been a little I mean with limits you don’t want to say whatever comes to your mind that might be a little much white dude be walking down the street man in this business brother walk up to
Him hello you write a press with you slave master rapist of Africa why hello my big lip spear chucking friend touche honky so Whitey what did you do today huh a press a new land and make the people they are Christians against their will what did you do fella
Burn those big black lips on a crack pipe because he missed your job interview oh easy Whitey you’re cutting deep well this Chit Chat has got me thirsty you will excuse me for a moment I’m gonna go to the Korean store and get something to drink Hello You stand it out ruin the economy in our neighborhood by opening stores and taking the money out the community wow good afternoon your browse around but never buy anything suspicious after a while that might be too much I can’t help it if you an American you’re a racist
We brought up from the beginning to think in generalizations we never look at the individual we rarely look an individuals I’m a racist I know I’m a racist you know how I know the other day I caught myself being racist against myself oh and I got mixed up I was on it
One time I was reading the paper man this story came on about the uh this guy was suing a department store because they wouldn’t let him play Santa Claus you know because he’s black and I was actually like relieved when the department store beat them that’s bad but I wasn’t ready for that
I wasn’t ready for the idea of a black Santa Claus man it would suck so we wouldn’t get our presents to the 28th 29th oh sorry away kids man I got caught up with some in Vegas I had to sell some Tony to get back yeah I’m cooking fan
I said I’m in the wrong business I should be the president [Β __Β ] I’m in the wrong business it’s the only reason I want to be president is because I’m black that doesn’t make it too hot for me I mean you know I mean I think it could
Be a black president one day but you don’t want to be the first one I mean second or third that’s fine but at first [Β __Β ] better watch out I’m gonna tell you that right now too hot I mean I’d be the first black president I don’t think that nobody
Would really really hurt me I’m sure somebody want to hurt me but I don’t think they touched me because uh because of my vice president will be Mexican for a little insurance and you can shoot me if you want but you’re just gonna open another up so
You might as well leave me and vice president Santiago to our own devices ain’t that right something up see foreign can stay don’t worry don’t worry I don’t got no alien jokes all I’ll say about eliana’s thank God he’s Cuban cause if he was Haitian you would have never heard about his ass
[Applause] ready to push that little rubber tube right back in the water sign fella all full [Applause] you’re not that’s the thing is so many stuff there’s so many stuff to worry about you know the more you know the more you don’t know and [Β __Β ]You know like a lot of people will be telling me Dave you know he just gotta relax a racism thing we bugging you too much I’ll be thinking about it sometimes [Β __Β ] will happen you know a lot of black people can relate to this have you ever
Had something happen that was so racist that you didn’t get mad you were just like God damn that was race that was racist I mean it was so blatant he was just like wow like he almost like it didn’t even happen that he was like a [Β __Β ] movie
That was like he was watching Mississippi Burning wow that happened to me I was in Mississippi I was in Mississippi doing a show and I go to the restaurant to order some food and uh I say to the guy I say I would like to have and before I even finished
My sentence he says the chicken I could not believe it could not believe that [Β __Β ] this man was absolutely right I said how did he know that I was gonna get some chicken I asked someone said how you know that how did you know I was gonna get some chicken
He looked at me like I was crazy come on buddy come on buddy man everybody knew as soon as you walked through the goddamn door you’re gonna get some [Β __Β ] it is no secret down here the blacks and chickens are quite fond of one another [Applause] then I finally understood what he was
Saying and I got upset I wasn’t even mad I was just upset I wasn’t ready to hear that [Β __Β ] all these years I thought I liked chicken because it was delicious turns out I’m genetically predisposed of like a chicken I said why I got no say in the man
I got ruined chicken for me I’m scared to eat it in public I don’t know I want somebody to see me and say something you know I mean I could be eating some chicken look at them he loves it just like it said in the encyclopedia how happy he looks
Sometimes it will be too much to deal with that show business be crazy that’s where the culture really collide Show Business bring a lot of races together sometimes it works sometimes it don’t it’s one thing that happens that’s funny you know sometimes I’ll be on a
Business call right you know like with a with a lawyer or something you know my lawyers be white and uh foreign and they’ll be like oh okay Dave we’re gonna we’re gonna close the deal was that fine with you I’ll be like yeah that’s good for me great great you have
A good weekend Dave I’ll be like all right you too man peace oh all right bye bye [Applause] so sometimes sometimes I’ll make up [Β __Β ] that’s not even slain just to see how they handle it and [Β __Β ] but it’ll be the same business go all right we’re gonna close the deal is that
Fine with you Dave yeah sounds good to me great you have a good weekend Dave all right buddy zip it up and zip it out oh all right bye [Applause]
