I’m trying to explain to you, the last thing in the world I would have done was pray! I would have sooner jumped off the Eiffel Tower than pray. What an absolutely silly notion! I asked for morphine. I asked for a doctor. Because the pain of the… uh… hole in my duodenum.
Which was leaking hydrochloric acid and other delightful digestive juices… I was dissolving myself. I was digesting myself on the inside. And if you want to know what that feels like get a red hot coal out of a fire… and stick it inside your gut!
I’d seen two doctors in emergency and they were very nice, but they didn’t do anything. They just sent me over to surgery. They told me I had an hour to live. That’s what they told me! And I would be having surgery right away, so they sent me to surgery.
And unbeknownst to them, I’m sure. There wasn’t anybody to do the surgery. So that’s why I didn’t get any meds. You know people tell me… “Well the reason why you had your near-death experience was because of all the narcotics you’ve been given.”
I’m like, “I begged for ANYTHING and I was given NOTHING for 10 hours! NOTHING! What about nothing don’t you understand!?!” When the nurse came in and said that they were unable to locate a doctor…
That’s when I told my wife… I said, “Tell my parents that I love them”. And I said goodbye to all my kids. And she was crying like I’d never… I’d actually never seen anybody in my life cry like that!
I mean she was crying from the soles of her feet all the way up, and just shaking and throbbing! And she sat down and I looked at her and I said… “Time for me to go.” So I checked out, you know? Really really easy!
You know… I found it the easiest thing in the world to die. I was having a lot of trouble breathing! For the last several hours all I was doing was trying to breathe. I had enough sense to know that if you stop breathing that would be a bad thing.
All I had to do was just stop doing that, and I went unconscious. Part 2 THE REALTY CHECK I awoke. I was standing there. I felt absolutely, physically more real, more alive!
And completely healed! Than I’d ever been in my life. So the first thing I did was I did a reality check. Which consisted of taking my hands and I felt myself from the top of my head… Felt myself all the way down, right down to my feet and I was like…
Feeling good! Matter of fact feeling REALLY good! So then I started to do a sensory check. I know it sounds very rational, but I was a very rational person. I can hear the hum of the fluorescent lights in the ceiling. Hear them humming really loudly! And then I looked and I realized that…
In our… You know I was an art teacher. So like in our vision we see 180 degrees if you have two eyes? Well I was seeing way more than 180 degrees! Oh that’s so weird! And then also, then I checked my depth of field. Which is…
You know like if you focus something far your near as out of focus and vice versa? I was like, “I have complete depth of field!” I am focused on everything! And then I’m like touch!
And like I’d already touched my body, and it’s like “Whoa whoa like really… you know very sensitive!” and And then like… So I’m doing the bottoms of my feet. And like I could read the texture of linoleum Through my feet! And I’m going like, “Wow this linoleum’s like so cool!”
So I’m looking around the room and my wife’s on the other side of the bed. And then I notice in the bed… Mostly covered by a sheet, but the head not completely covered was a person! And Iooked at the person who was facing my wife, away from me…
And to my horror it bore a remarkable resemblance to me! Now I knew… Rationally, that that wasn’t me! Because I was standing there, and like you can’t… Rational people know that you can’t bifurcate. You know… I mean that’s crazy stuff! That’s schizophrenia to say…
That like you were standing over yourself looking at yourself! Right? Like I’m not crazy! I’m not nuts! That’s not me! So then I’m thinking, “How come it looks so much like me?” Because could it be a coincidence? No that’s… that’s ridiculous! So I’m trying to think of a scenario.
So what I came up with, which I realized was absolutely ludicrous Was is that the French hospital personnel had made a wax replica of me! I realized one, they didn’t have the time to do that. And that like… takes a lot of skill!
Because it was a very good replica! And three, like… What would be their motive? Why would they go to all that trouble and expense?!? Um yeah.. I mean looking back it was funny. At the time it was very disturbing, so it made me angry! So I’m going towards anger.
And then I try to communicate with my wife. Her head down… and tears running down her cheeks. And I get NO RESPONSE! And it was like infuriating! One of her techniques to punish me when we were not getting along was to ignore me.
So I’m figuring she’s really really mad at me for what I have done to her and ruined her life. And so I turned to my roommate Monsieur Floren Who was a 68 year old super kind, sweet, sick frenchman.
I tried to talk to him. He looked through me like he couldn’t see me which of course he couldn’t. I started yelling and screaming at him, and no response! And now I’m really agitated! Very very agitated! So I heard people outside the room calling me by name.
Which I thought was strange because I was in France and um…. Surprisingly the people in France speak french, and Howard is not a french name. They were speaking english, “Howard come with us” So I went over to the doorway of the room and there were people out in the hallway.
And the hallway was gray like a really really bad black and white tv picture. Very fuzzy. Which was weird because the room was so ultra clear! And the hallway was very indistinct And there was these people out there saying, “Come!”
And I said, “Are you from the doctor? I’m sick I’m supposed to have surgery.” “I’ve been waiting like… all day” And they said, “We know all about you. We’ve been wai ting for you. Hurry up and come with us.” So after some convincing…
I became sure they they were hospital people to take me to surgery And considering the treatment that I had in this hospital up to this point… The fact that they wanted to walk me to surgery made perfect sense. I mean, I never questioned that.
And so we went on a long journey. PART 3 THE NEW FISH IN HELL Hell is a separation from God, and the only thing that makes hell bad is the people there.
God doesn’t make hell bad if they were nicer to each other it’d be a lot more pleasant down there than it is. In their separation from God it also means all the good things that God gives us like um….
There’s no birds, or butterflies, or flowers or sunshine, or rain, or wind. There’s no candy. There’s no chocolate cake. There’s no ice cream. It’s pretty bleak. What psychologists have found when they cage a bunch of animals in a cage for a period of time. They start gnawing on each other
Because that’s the only gratification they get. In prison movies there’s a concept of the new fish. When a new inmate comes into the prison like everybody’s excited because they want to initiate them. Which usually means brutal rape and other things, right? So… I was new fish. So hundreds of them had their way with me.
The physical part is awful. But the emotional part is much worse than the physical part! You know I… When it was happening and after it happens like… “How could they want to hurt me that much?” “Why do they hate me that much?” You know what I mean?
That’s… that’s the part I couldn’t… and I… and I can’t understand. Because you know what? I know why now Because they don’t care! They weren’t doing it to me personally. I was just… I was new fish. And when they were done with me… um…
By being done with me is, I was no longer responsive. Physically and emotionally uh too far gone. The term that I like to use to describe was, I was roadkill. In that place I heard a voice that said, “Pray to God.” I literally heard, I mean I literally heard a voice say, “Pray to God.”
I don’t know who said that. I don’t know where it came from. It kind of felt like, it was like… here. Coming out of my chest. I thought, “What a stupid idea! I don’t believe in God. I don’t pray.” And the voice said, “Pray to God!” And I thought…
I don’t know how to pray. I haven’t prayed since I was a kid. You know? It’s like… I don’t pray! I’m not a prayer! Forget it! The voice said, “PRAY TO GOD!” Real strong! And I thought… Okay… What would it look like for me to pray?
And so I’m thinking okay… “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America” No no no Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation… No no no Oh man! I can’t think! You know? I remembering things I memorized
Because of course from my perspective… 38 year old genius college professor department head. I thought prayer was something you memorized when you were a child. So I’m trying to remember, and I finally come with “The lord is my shepherd.” [ GASP ] And I’m so excited I murmured it I mean, I wasn’t…
I murmured it out of excitement that I actually remembered something that sounded like a prayer. And upon doing that the people that were still around me. They were no longer um… interacting with me because I had become tedious and uninteresting. They became VERY angry!
And they said to me in language that’s the worst language I’ve ever heard in my life. There is no God. Nobody can hear you, and now we’re gonna really really hurt you! Basically telling me, “What we did before was nothing compared to what we’re going to do to you now.”
They couldn’t bear, like my… most miserable pathetic little prayer! And then I thought of some other things like, “Our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name” I mean I was only I was only remembering like phrases I couldn’t remember like a whole verse.
I’m saying this stuff and it’s really making them angry! And the thing that I liked was… All this time I’d been defenseless. No matter how hard I had fought to fend them off me Finally I find something they really don’t like!
And the other thing I noticed was that the more I said these things… And I was shunning them! I was shunning them in anger! The more I said these things the more it drove them away And I could…
We were in pitch black so I can’t see anything, but I can hear them retreating and retreating and retreating So like, “Yippee! Yippy skippy! I’m really making them bad and I’m driving them away!” So I’m like letting them have it with stuff and I’m just repeating this stuff over and over again.
And eventually I realize the only thing i can hear anymore is me. And I can’t hear them, so like I become quiet and I listen, and I listen carefully. And I know some some place somewhere they’re out there, but I don’t know where… but you know they’re far, and that’s good!
Then I think about my situation and realize I’m stuck because I can’t crawl. I can’t move. I can’t go anywhere and I don’t know where I am. I mean I didn’t have to debate this. I knew that I was not alive and I was not in the world.
Where I grew up in Massachusetts we had septic systems and cesspools. So what I came up with is that I had gone down the toilet and through the plumbing into the cesspool. And I don’t know how into cesspool theology you are but there’s layers in the cesspool.
Like at the top is floating the unprocessed stuff and the deeper you go the more it gets processed. And then it all becomes liquefied and eventually it goes out into the leaching pit. That’s what I was trying to think of, what part of the septic system I was in.
I knew. I knew that my life was filth, garbage. I knew that I was a selfish ass! I knew that. I mean… In the world I never would have admitted that to you. If you… if you and I had met…
If you’d met me as uh… Howard Storm. Professor Howard Storm, you know at Northern Kentucky University. I’d get you to admire me and be a fan. You know? All you would be to me is someone to support my ego.
I… I did my own life review and what I concluded was that… I know it sounds funny, but I graded myself after I went through my life and I realized that I was basically F’s and D’s in every department.
My relationship with my father, my mother, my sisters, my students, my friends, my wife, my kids… I just gave myself F’s and D’s up and down the line because all I could see was all the ways that I had failed. And I felt real real bad.
I realized that I belonged in the place that I was. And that I was stuck there. And nothing was ever going to change it. And that the only way that I could um… have any kind of an existence in that place was to somehow
Pull myself together and to become more vicious than they were. In other words before you got a chance to bite me in the neck… I’ll rip your head off! That would be our greeting! You know? You go for my neck and I rip your head off!
And I thought, “I’d rather not exist than live like that” because… I’d rather not be than be one of them! So now I’m in a dilemma because here I am… There’s no way out. I have no way, no way of knowing how… Yet…
They’re gonna come back, and I can’t… I can’t count on this this prayer bit Which was quite insincere. You know? I mean it wasn’t from my heart. It was just like, it worked. It was…. I mean how… how much how long is that gonna work for me? You know?
And I went into the deepest deepest despair. I mean here I am in the cesspool sinking… I mean emotionally, spiritually sinking into a deeper hole. My little mind is working, working, working trying to come up with something.
It comes up with like a 8 or 9 year old child sitting in Sunday School singing, “Jesus Loves Me” It wasn’t the idea. The words were good, but it wasn’t the words, it was like… When I was a little kid I believed in like this God / Superman.
And you know the alligators and bears that live under your bed that are trying to bite your toes, remember them? When they would start snapping at my toes at night, you know in the middle of night? I would pray to Jesus and they would go away.
And then… and then of course I’m having voices in my head saying, “You don’t believe this silly stuff.” You know like that? You know you were a child. You’re an idiot. You know it’s not true.
And then the other voices were saying, “Why would he care about you? You’ve done nothing but use his name as a cuss word for the past 20 years.” You know like… You know he’s not going to listen to you. Even if he did exist he hates your guts!
You know? I mean I get so… I’m getting all this stuff going, and then like finally screaming in my head like… “Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!” And I just yell out into the darkness, pure desperation, “Jesus please save me!”
Without the faintest idea whether there was a Jesus or not a Jesus. Or whether he liked me or didn’t like me. You know I mean? I had… I had nothing… Except this faint hope that it might be true
This impossibly bright light, like if it was actually light, light it would have it would have burned me. I was like… you know, so overwhelmed by the brightness of the light and its beauty and then like I looked down at myself and I saw gore, and I was like, “Eww!”
I had been eviscerated. Okay? Um Not pretty And out of this light came hands and arms, and he touched me. And when he touched me… Three things happened. One is all the gore just started to disappear, and I became whole.
The other thing that happened was I was filled with ecstasy. Instead of being… um… simply just nothing but pain from head to foot now all of a sudden… the pain goes away and I’m filled with ectasy. And lastly and most importantly…
I experienced a love that I had never known that existed and unfortunately I haven’t found any language yet that can begin to describe it. He picked me up. He held me real tight.
When he held me I knew that there was… besides all of this healing and love and all that. That he really really liked me a lot! Matter of fact, I’m his favorite person in the whole universe! I have to add… Unfortunately you are too! [ laughs ]
And he likes me! I mean he doesn’t dislike me! He’s not… he’s not… you know? He’s not mad at me! You know? He’s happy! So… I’m holding on to Jesus. I’m crying. Happy cry. And he’s um… rubbing my back! He gave me a nice, very soft, tender back rub.
And we take off! Just like flying in a helicopter, except it was just Jesus and me without the helicopter. All I’m aware of, because like I’ve got my face buried in his chest and neck… Was we’re going! We’re really going! And actually I’m a little bit scared because…
I’m actually thinking, “I hope he doesn’t let go of me!” [ laughs ] So we’re moving and um… I’m trying to get my act together because I’m feeling I’ve put a lot of slobber on him from my nose and mouth. A lot. A lot of slobber!
And I’m feeling bad about that because I don’t have a hanky to clean him up! [ laughs ] And um… [ clears throat ] Okay so I’m trying to get it together. So I get it enough together, and I… and I look and I see like…
We’re moving towards a world of light And all around the world of light… like a bazillion little lights going in and coming out. And there’s all of this activity and I had this gigantic uh-oh! The God that I said wasn’t, we’re going to his house! We’re going to his territory!
I mean I know that. I just know that somewhere in that big galaxy of light if you will. There’s God in that and we’re headed towards it. And I am the biggest idiot in the whole world! And they probably hate me, you know? Because of what I’ve said and done!
I think to myself… He’s made a terrible mistake! I don’t belong here. And with that we come to a stop. And we are outside the world of light. Which we could call heaven because that’s what it was. I call it home.
He spoke to me for the first time telepathically, and he said… We don’t make mistakes you belong here. And I thought “How do you know what I thought? I didn’t say that!” “Can you hear what I think?”
And he laughed. And he said, “I know everything you’ve ever thought” I thought… I feel real uncomfortable with you knowing everything I’ve ever thought because I’ve thought things that I don’t want you to know that I’ve thought.
And immediately I thought of something that I didn’t want him to know that I thought about Which was I thought of a breast. I’ve always I’ve always been a boob guy And you know what he did? He laughed and laughed and laughed. He thought it was really funny!
And I thought, “Oh! He thinks I’m funny!” And he said, “Yeah you’re real funny!” And I was like… “He thinks I’m funny! Because nobody thinks I’m funny!” I mean like, I have a wicked sense of humor, but it’s like it’s New England it’s very dry. You know?
I make like a lot of jokes and people look at me like, “What’s your problem?” Part 4: LIFE REVIEW So like we started talking and he kind of interrupted our conversation Which is all telepathically. He had a young male voice.
He said, “I got a bunch of people I want you to meet” So he called out with tone, musical tone. And they came. And there was a group of them And they formed a survey circle around us and he said, “They’ve recorded your life.” “And they want to show you your life.”
So we proceeded to watch my life and that was a… What I would refer to as a holographic projection of me interacting with people. And the interesting thing was that there were props, but usually not a background. Only when the background was appropriate.
We got tables and chairs and a floor, and the rest just isn’t there at all. We’d go… into a scene and like see what happened to the person after… what happened to them after we’d interacted Or what they were feeling, we would feel what they were feeling.
I was more manipulative and detached from people, and Jesus… and the angels clearly shared their unhappiness with the direction that I was going. Not in a cruel way just like… ugh… it’s really disappointing. And I felt their feelings and I felt bad that I was so such a disappointment.
They weren’t angry. They weren’t mad. They were just disappointed. What I ultimately learned from the whole thing was that we were created to love one another. That’s our job. That’s the curriculum That’s the whole the whole thing in a nutshell. And that’s the only thing that matters.
And what I was doing was moving away from that I mean I had a career. I had a wife. I had kids. I had a house. Had cars. You know? Blah blah had all that I had the American Dream and I was going somewhere! And I won prizes at art shows!
And I got tenure. And I was a full professor. And I you know? Blah blah blah! And… None of that mattered. And they let me know that none of that mattered at all! Matter of fact it was… It was very surprising disappointment because I’d say, “Look look here!
I got, you know? “I’m a full professor and I’m 26 years old! Full professor! Nobody gets that!” You know? Like well yeah that was of no consequence at all. Look here where you ignored a student who really really needed a friend. And then they would feel so sad for that student.
And as the life review went on into my adult life I was begging them to stop it I’m like, “I got it! No, no, no!” And they’d say, “No, you got to watch” So we went through the whole thing it was um… brutal!
And I made them very disappointed, and very sad, BUT… I got the point it was real simple. We were here, we were supposed to love each other And I completely missed it! I thought my life was about being the most… famous, wealthiest, important, powerful person that I could possibly be.
I mean I wanted it all! Part 5: A MILLION QUESTIONS When we were over with that whole thing… He said, “Do you have any questions?” And I said, “Yeah, I got a million questions” So I asked him everything I could think of to answer and he answered everything.
I’ve never told anybody everything because some of it gets like a little esoteric. And um… You know I’ve gotten in trouble for stuff? I mean I’ve had people tell me that I’m the devil, and I’m an apostasy and I’m um…
I’ve been accused of things. On just like real simple stuff! Like for example, I mean I’ll give you an example of like um… When babies are either aborted or still born or dying when they’re very young um… They just get another chance at life.
And people have been furious with me and call me all kinds of names because Jesus told that! It’s like I’m sorry if you don’t like Jesus plan No, he doesn’t throw babies into Hell!
He not only told me, but he showed me and we visited some places that the universe was full of… intelligent beings and uh… varied life forms, and that in fact this world is one of the lowest of them all.
There’s a lot more spiritual, kind, good, loving and intelligent beings all over the universe. I asked Jesus, “And so what happens to people when they die?” And he said, “It’s a really big problem because um…” He said… “Usually when people die they don’t know that they’ve died because like…
When they were dying they were in suffering and when they died the suffering’s over. And so they feel really good so they think they’ve gotten well and they don’t know that they’ve died at all.” It’s funny because people are terrified of dying. It’s like… no dying is really great when you’re not doing well!
You know? I ran out of stuff to say so I said, “Okay I want to go to heaven!” And he’s like, “Oh uh actually… you got to go back to the world to try um…” “You know have the life that you were created to be in the first place!”
So we had a HUGE argument. People always say, “Argument?” I go, “Yeah! I argued with him as much as I could possibly argue!” I said, “Why would you send me back to the world? Because it’s full of cruel, mean people and it’s just a terrible existence down there!”
He said, “That’s true. There’s lots of cruel mean people.” And he said, “There’s also very loving, beautiful people.” And he said, “What’s in your heart is what you’ll find.” “And if you have love in your heart, you will see the love in other people.”
“If you have beauty in other people you’ll see the beauty in them.” He said, “It’s what’s in you, is what you’re going to find.” And you know what? Amazingly, he was right again! I’ve been doing this thing for over 30 years since, well 33 years now since 85…
And yeah if you seek love and beauty, you find love and beauty. If you seek cruelty and ugliness, you find cruelty and ugliness. But I’m telling you the the love and the beauty is in everywhere and everyone.
Including people that do not strike you immediately as either loving or beautiful. Part 6: MEETING AN ANGEL When I was recovering in what they um… called the recovery area at the hospital in Paris.
The room was kind of dark. It was daytime, but the lights weren’t on. The room lit up, and this young man, beautiful young man. In his like mid or late 20s it appeared. Blonde, wearing hospital scrubs, pale green scrubs with the v-neck, short sleeves. And Sneakers.
He comes into the room and he goes, “Howard how are you?” I’m like, “Whoa!” Once again perfect english. You know? Kind of a… kind of a surprise in a french hospital.
Long short of it was he said, “I’m going to be watching over you, and I want to assure you that everything’s going to be okay” “but you’ve got a long recovery ahead of you, but I will always be around”
And I said, “Great! Great!” I mean he was so kind. And I said, “So what’s your name?” He said, “Oh don’t worry about that.” He said, “You will never see me again.”
And I said, “You just said you’re going to watch over me, and you’re going to see me through this whole recovery.” “And you would never… You’d always be around and now you’re telling me I’m never going to see you again?” He said…
“Yes, that’s all true.” He said, “I’ll be around, but you’ll never see me again.” And I said, “I don’t… That doesn’t make any sense!” “Are you going to be with me?” He said, “I will be with you.” “Always know I will be with you.”
And I said, “I will never see you again?” He said, “You’ll never see me again” And I said, “Very, very confusing. I don’t understand.” He said, “Now I have to go.”
So he left. The room went… When he left the room, the room went back down to drab. And I’m sitting there like, “What was that? What was that all about? Crazy! Immediately the nurse comes into the room. And I said… What is the name of the doctor that was just here?
She said, “There was nobody here.” And I said, “No no no… like the young doctor with the blonde hair and you know and the sneakers… and stuff, you know? Um…” She said, “There was nobody in the room.”
And I said, “There was someone just in the room! He just left! You probably passed him coming in!” And she said, “My desk is right outside this door.” “I’ve been sitting at that desk for a long time. Nobody has been in this room or out of this room.”
And I said, “No, you don’t understand! There was this beautiful young man who was just here visiting me!” She said, “No one has been in this room. I have been right by the door. Nobody has come in the room!” I said, “Well you’re wrong.” And I got really upset.
She got mad at me because I was arguing with her. I mean her english wasn’t that good. And I spoke very poor french. But anyways we were having this argument. and she like just gave up on me. The thing that drives me crazy… Is that… um…
It’s so simple! It’s so easy! To call out to God, and have your life totally changed. And you can go from despair to joy. You can go from pain to bliss. You can find like…
All of your problems aren’t going to be solved immediately, but with the help of God you will find the solutions to your problems. You know? You find… you find um… a way through all the difficulties of life and… find a community of support. Through um faith communities. It’s like…
And… and.. and the thing is that um… in… in real churches, real synagogues, real temples, it’s all free, no cost, no obligation. Because of you’ve got a bunch of people just uh… living to try and be helpful and supportive to someone.
If you would like to go a little bit deeper into his experience, I would highly recommend checking out his book “My Decent into Death” There are links in the description for the Audible version, and the hard copy and Kindle version.
