Mean they tell us we hateful are they right but who do we hate i know there’s someone but who black people duh yeah but which one i mean you think of a single one you hate cosby i hate bill cosby but was that before or after the uh you know
Ah dang it it was after i loved him before that the cosby show was a breakthrough in african-american representation on screen exactly dag dabbit shoot what about women though we hate them how so we want to control their bodies we’re pro-life but do we want to control their bodies
Or we care about that little baby inside their body that gummy jim it is the little baby that i care about we don’t want to control their bodies i just can’t deny the science of dna which explicitly tells us that conception is the beginning of life got nothing to do with
Their bodies it’s got to do with the body of someone else well shoot dang it jim those lgbts you mean the lgbtqia plus community yeah hate them because they’re controlling language forcing each and every one of us conformed to their ever changing always evolving definition of words oh yes sir
I hate that but you also think they shouldn’t be allowed to identify as they want to in the first place come on i don’t care they identify of course i don’t i’m sorry see we don’t hate them either i literally don’t give two spits worth of chew what one
Identifies as you just disagree with the method in which they engage in the culture yeah with how they engage with culture you got me see i’m not saying twitter is wrong i mean we probably are he it’s got me thinking it’s all white privilege we’re white so we got
The privilege we don’t deserve whether we like it or not oh yeah you’re right white privilege nothing we could do about that one there see we hateful so you think twice before you go running your mouth again we got white privilege Well i’m gonna go drop a deuce you want me to grab you a beer while i’m in there nah i’m good i’m gonna find a white crib with you out here We just need to get to the other side of this farm you know maybe it’s just me but i think it’s bad when a cop dies too what are you doing these monsters kill if they hear you say an opinion they don’t like don’t make a sound [Applause]
It’s just if raising the minimum wage to 15 an hour causes 1.5 million people to lose their jobs how is that idea still on the table if your business can’t afford to pay employees 15 bucks your business deserves to close you have to stop voicing your opinions for that thing will kill us
I agree with martin luther king jr that we should judge someone by the content of their character and not by the color of their skin you just got us killed i took everything free speech is bad free speech is bad what are you doing now
Love is love love is love love love love love i don’t even know what that means be quiet the alphabet is problematic because it doesn’t contain enough letters to represent all genders we should put white people in camps and abuse them like full-on torture white people
Oh i can’t believe you got us out of there i had to think of my feet i’m just glad the three of us are safe three of us i mean two two of us i hate babies that’s not a baby it’s it’s nothing it’s just a big old bump on my wife’s belly
It could be a parasite it could be a couple of cells it could be just garbage but it’s certainly not a baby Imagine there’s no bread it’s easy if you try No tacos or hot sauce nothing cold or fried Imagine all the people Living in the good It isn’t hard to do And short life spans But i’m not the only one he’s not the only one Imagine no possessions because all your stuff was redistributed hunger i hope you like me but seriously please can i have a potato imagine all the You may say i’m a coming did you say you don’t like that all night then it’s the ghoul like for you son Welcome to another meeting of the fictional characters forced to re-identify support group you were given a new identity and we’re here to support you through that process oh i believe we have a new member with us today why don’t you introduce yourself hi i’m superman faster than a locomotive can leap tall
Buildings in a single bound and bisexual now they just forced it on me didn’t ask or nothing i’ve been straight my whole life but then nope no not anymore what happened to respecting someone for who they are we do respect who you are you just no
Longer have a say in the matter it’s lois and clark not lewis and clark well you’re bisexual so technically it can be both who would like to go next i’ll go i’m cinderella i was white now i’m cuban or mexican or whatever who knows yikes easy there what if they’re gonna
Completely strip me of my heritage at the very least i should be able to say some racist stuff now they didn’t strip you of your heritage they gave you some white people don’t have heritage i don’t even like those people’s food careful i can say that now yikes well cinderella’s
Obviously got a lot to work through who would like to go next i’ll go uh hi i am the equalizer i used to be one of the greatest actors of my generation i won an oscar for my work in glory and training day now i’m queen latifah hey
Queen latifah won a kid’s choice award favorite voice for an animated movie for ice age the meltdown i don’t care i was in philadelphia with tom hanks now because of female representation i gotta be in bringing down the house of eugene levy that’s a step down i don’t wanna be
Queen latifah at least you can poop after witnessing the murder of my parents at eight years old i’ve dedicated my life to fighting crime as a vigilante i clean up the streets and put fear into the hearts of criminals everywhere then they turn me into a lego and now i can’t poop
Oh okay that’s a little different than everybody else but we do sympathize with you i gotta poop so bad who’s next me doctor who i was a man and now i’m a woman but doesn’t doctor who regenerate like all the time maybe it was a creative decision tell me with a straight face
That they made me a woman for creative reasons i think they absolutely made you a woman for creating free okay yeah obviously not for creative reasons i’m transgender now gonzo you’re transgender yes i’m transgender but not gonzo baby gonzo from muppet babies they need a baby character transgender i’m a baby
I don’t even know what gender is you might not know what gender is but at least you know it’s a construct i’m gay i think you don’t know no they just tweeted my picture during pride month what’s that mean am i gay do i just support gay people no one will tell me
They made us women and now no one likes us is that why no one likes you yes people hate women do they yes that’s why no one liked their version of ghostbusters is it certainly not because our movie was bad are you sure i have had it arbitrarily changing a
Popular character’s gender or race or sexuality feels more like an attempt to cash in on a world view than it does to prioritize diversity if diversity is so important why not make new characters surely hollywood executives can take the time and care to create new diverse characters right
No that’s never gonna happen okay but but the audience the general public if this is so important they would go out of their way to support new diverse characters from new diverse creators right [Laughter] no are you nuts that’s not gonna happen either look you all gotta get used to
This just embrace who you are told you’re going to be against your will okay okay great Um excuse me it’s actually superman’s son who’s bisexual not superman himself so if you can just change that’d be great [Applause] let’s go jimmy whoa great job yeah move ahead with those proceedings brandon yeah all right let’s go jimmy let’s go jimmy i want to pass the objective case of where you all the party brendan brandon’s your boy yeah that’s him jimmy yours yeah uh why are you cheering like that what oh
So he’s conservative using let’s go brandon that’s code for hating joe biden i’m a fighting supporter so obviously i’m not going to say that i won’t be looking at some crazy maga guy so i’m going to find creative ways to cheer for my son brandon Big latin do you support biden even with all the stuff going on what stuff what do you mean let’s go hill covered with room the name brandon means hill covered with broom you know stuff like afghanistan afghanistan he got the troops out and nothing happened after that according to
My news sources make taste brandon make haste it’s kind of a shakespearean spinner it’s bad you know all the coveted numbers and the mandates he said he was going to shut down the virus politicians are always telling a little why he lies to get elected not going to raise taxes they
Raise him a little bit going to create jobs okay you know just a few shut down a deadly virus let the virus run ramp it politicize it make it way worse big deal write it that’s sign language for go what about all these supply chain issues
It’s a total disaster i mean how much stuff do people need they can survive on like nothing basically brandon morse code but how many kids in cages huh lots not the kids or lots of cages brandon look great job report everybody’s got a job at least forward motion brandon
Gas is affordable my mortgage is cheaper than a gallon brandon he’s appropriate towards women as appropriate as trump was i guess you’re telling me that my life and the lives of others has gone considerably worse than the last few months because of joe biden yes [Applause] Hey that’s your language man this is a kids game you’re in a dimension where history language and the very nature of reality is controlled by the whims of college professors and new york times interns you’ve just crossed over into the woke zone this is a trans activist it may not look
Scary but you better always smile around him think happy thoughts and never contradict anything he says or he will cancel you and you will never return this is the walk zone i have new ideas to share with you very good if someone in a men’s prison identifies as a woman
She should now go to the women’s prison but couldn’t that cause problems are you thinking transphobic thoughts oh of course not i’m your mother i mean your room possessing human who gave birth to you you’re right about the prisons that’s absolutely right and trans women should be able to compete in women’s
Sports just like any other women but but what about biological differences what aren’t trans women women i have a new idea i’ve now decided that all kids need to be on puberty blockers until they’re old enough to decide on their gender for themselves all right i can’t take it anymore this is madness
This is complete insanity that’s transphobic the only one scared of these people he only has power while you give in what you’re doing isn’t tolerance or compassion it’s just cowardice speak up no one likes you you’re a bad man and that’s why you’re cancelled one of the most defensive
Things of all fairly gender please send him to the cornfield son It was a good thing you canceled that man a very good thing i have a new thought the government needs to pay for fertility treatments for trans women since they can’t have babies for some reason great ideas you may think there’s a reality outside of people’s feelings but you better keep
Those thoughts to yourself in case you’ve wandered into the woke Hey kids you hate gender yeah they get the brand new androgynous action person rid of all the fun and excitement of g.i jones and replaces it with self-righteousness and anger this dino won’t tell me it’s pronouns take this nazi gi pack comes with awesome accessories
Like a commuter bike a sword latte and a cell phone with instant outrage self-reaction pro-life people should die [Applause] awesome but look out here comes g.i pat’s greatest foe marriage is between a man and a woman mike pence my pension the evil right-wingers we’ll stop at nothing to destroy the ipad and
It’s up for you to fight back i won’t share a meal with another woman unless someone else is present right side of history I’m dead now you know your gender identity and knowing is half the battle get rid Fellas it’s time we made a comeback racism is hot we practically invented it so here’s the plan first we’ll start pushing for some a segregated drinking fountains actually this might sound weird but that’s not racist anymore come again now segregation isn’t racist can you believe that but there are all kinds
Of new ways to be racist i can’t wait well okay glenn let’s hear it then next time you see an african-american you tell them this you don’t see color at all that sounds not racist it’s racist now can you believe that we can be racist and
Congenial all at the same time i’m not so sure wait wait i got more if you see a person of japanese descent you mispronounce his name so you’re saying the next time i talk to takahashi down the street skip over that h make it silent bing bang boom racism this ain’t
A racism what happened to good old-fashioned hating people the hating was the best part it’s exhausting now we just say all lives matter and we’re racist but all out don’t matter i know that you know that but if we want to compete in this new racist landscape
We gotta get with the times what about thinking the most qualified person for a job is a person who should be hired big time racism what if i ask a black person to be quiet racist even though i work at the library no racism okay what if i ask
Someone who is not white where they originally came from we got ourselves a regular david duke over here what about wearing a hawaiian shirt hey voicing a minority character on a hit animated tv show the kyle fall in love with an african-american woman have a long fruitful marriage and you’re still
Waiting that scenario yes sir just like bill burke racist these ideas are hey okay that’s racist too woody doing this with your hand if you do this you’re racist you are diluting my racism and i don’t like it racism is hatred it’s looking down on someone as some human simply on
Account of the color of their skin you water it down like that it becomes nothing i mean if everything is racist nothing is have you guys heard about critical race theory get this we don’t have to do anything to be racist crt says we’re racist simply because we’re white that’s all it takes
This is for the black students and this air is for the white students why cause i’m racist come at me very forward thinking i love this come on [Applause] Hi i’m the speech writer for the president of the united states joe biden i know you’re thinking joe biden makes a lot of gaffes it must be frustrating to write his speeches but you’re wrong joe biden is a brilliant orator that’s just how’s that do talk talk and type speeches jacko
We all know the classics next now narendra modi donald trump does pose an excellent strength to this the it’s not hypothetical my boss been wet my face true international pressure true international depression a lot of people laugh at these moments but i i don’t get it i mean he nailed it didn’t even
Rehearse or nothing one take biden i call him i really thought drew to national pressure was gonna throw him for a loop but nope he’s speaking a word from his teeth hole like can you splat sometimes i get writer’s block but i always find creative ways to keep the juices flowing
Classic biden every time never fails there was one day i was working on a speech i don’t know about what nothing important something about jobs who cares when the muse struck me much like how i imagined she struck michelangelo when he made david corn pop
Who was corn pop what kind of dudes did he run was his was his razor clean or was it rusty i just started writing the words flowed from me like an art stream to a urinal was corn pop a good dude no in fact he was not that’s my sergeant peppers
If it holds near and dear to you that you uh like to be able it’s one of mine does it annoy me that biden gets all the credit for my brillo smart think writing Maybe a little bit but he’s the prez prez you know i take pride that my writing has placed him in the ranks of other famous press remarks four score and seven years ago ask not what your country can do for you and because of me lying dog dog-faced pony soldier i’m sorry
I have something in my eye about stuff like if you don’t vote for me you ain’t black or when he recently referred to someone as a negro that’s not me don’t put that on me that’s all biden that’s not me Let’s follow it i think i started land over here I have come to your planet to help you on my world there is peace a utopia where everyone gets along and we want to impart this wisdom onto you sounds great it’ll get us on the right side of history faster let’s hear it to achieve utopia you must first all
Agree upon this one simple concept all lives matter what you say are you out of your mind i’m lost why has this upset you all lives don’t matter some lives matter some of the time yeah some lives matter more than other lives and that’s that but we have achieved paradise i have the
Proof it works our lives matter hey okay okay let’s move on there is more the next thing you need to achieve world peace is forgiveness forgive those when they fail or screw up screw that we don’t forgive we cancel yeah if we discover that someone once said something even the teethiest bit
Offensive we as a culture will ruin their lives forever that is terrible a culture of human cancellation oh you look at cancer culture do you it’s a myth dummy you don’t start watching your mouth i might have to look through your old tweets you big dumb alien tweets what are tweets
Never mind let’s try something else a perfect society will only come from individual freedom it will never come from the government are you nuts the government better feed me better educate me and better house me yeah and agree with me that men can get pregnant right now our advanced research
Empirically showed that the human male cannot become a pregnant science yes the science that is what i’m saying all the time the science says men cannot become pregnant the shouting the science does not prove that men can become pregnant but even if they could why would you want the government to
Define that why so they can force others to believe it too yeah the government should have the power to force people to believe things as long as i believe them too this is irrational illogical and will never lead to a utopian society your people are lunatics hey you big dumb alien
If your utopia is so great how often are major cities burned to the ground i never that never happens what that means no one’s standing up for social justice the number one sign of a progressive and healthy society is they burn their cities down in the name of justin
I tried it is hopeless terminate i cannot believe that thing brought a message of peace love and unity what a hateful conservative yeah you can tell that we’re the good guys by all the terrible stuff we do [Applause] As your president i’m announcing tonight a new plan to require more americans to be vaccinated to combat those blocking public houses vaccine mandates here we come that’s good right he’s just keeping us safe absolutely what’s a little inconvenience if it means saving lives hey you listen here you gotta get these
Boosters okay so we’re announcing tonight that every single american will be taking the booster shot from a drone sniper directly into their homes your body my choice you got that bugger drone sniper what’s that mean i think it means we have a president that isn’t afraid to make hard decisions You piece of crap americans vaccinate for pete’s sake we got this new booster that’s like a like a gas a seeping gas little you know creep through your floorboards and windowsills like some kind of bad dude how can people oppose this i know it’s like so the government
Wants to force us all to breathe in green gas against our will you think you’re gonna abuse that power give me a break yeah that’s right hombre i’m still president and i’m still alive but knock knock who’s there robot hornets coming to your house to inject you with
Vaccines all right got that jack come on coming at you i mean if the choice is between a 99 survival rate or robot hornets taking the robot hornets every time how can people be so selfish as to oppose invasive robot hornets forcibly coming into your home and injecting you with a
Vaccine how how these facehuggers ain’t so much hug your face but rather ram a thick tube like organ down your throat pumping your stomach with good old johnson and johnson that’s the good one right or was it ah whatever listen up you’ve been patient now we
Only got one more thing for you to do and that’s it to beat covid we need each and every american to go and get your booster from your own personal super comfy vaccination pod okay well i trust him sounds good whoa whoa whoa they want us to get in
There after all we’ve been through it all led to this sounds good to me not an overreach of power at all you got that right good thing those fascist republicans are in power Wow he means business what a leader listen you are prisoner in the matrix but i’ve come to help you escape take this red pill and you will be set free from a government that doesn’t care about you and has no interest if you live or die take this blue pill and you
Shall remain trapped here forever under their control but the democrats control right give me the blue pill get out of our house you magaloon So i just talk in this thing and it records my voice yeah it’s a microphone okay hello my name is norm hickup i am a bicyclist and this is my story everyone knew the name norm hiccup in the motorcycle world back then when you thought about motorcycles you’d think harley-davidson you’d think
Two wheels and you’d think norm hiccup oh yeah of course i knew norm you know if there was a race norm was there racing racing and racing and racing and losing that guy lost a lot hey guys it’s not a race slow down it was a race and he knew that Great race guys but you but you shouldn’t go that fast you need to slow down why are you like huffing and puffing bro i don’t know i honestly don’t even know why he competed i think he just owned a motorcycle he was the michael jordan of losing and then the craziest thing happened
So it was shortly after losing your what was it 65th motorcycle race that had happened well it’s completely unrelated to losing my 65th motorcycle race but it happened directly after a loss right unrelated things happen after other unrelated things all the time that’s a common expression
Why don’t you just tell us what happened i had always known that something about me was different there was something wrong it was as if i had something inside of me as a motorcyclist that i needed to let out after a lot of thought and reflection
And in no way related to the number of motorcycle races i lost i finally realized that my life as a motorcyclist was a lie i was a bicyclist a man by the name of norm hiccup has made history to the team I never felt better free to be my true self live my truth just be me and win races completely unrelated but now that you mention it the craziest thing happened i started winning races can you believe it things were looking up i was finally me the real me and separately coincidentally happening at
The exact same time i’m a gold medal athlete i’d never seen a bicyclist like norm tremendous focus deeply motivated and his bike had a 200 horsepower engine that could go from zero to sixteen three seconds i remember i interviewed norm around this time he’s a mega star not
Only winning trophies left and right but also a huge inspiration to the trans vehicle community and i and i said norm when did you know you were actually a bicyclist you know what he said he said i was looking at a bicycle and i thought my motorcycle’s faster than that
That’s when i knew who i was but the thought and the realization just happened to be at the same time a total point any of the bicyclists opposed norm’s decision was anyone not happy about it not if they wanted to keep their livelihood a reputation not after sam I’m sam i’m i was the greatest bicyclist in the world no one fasted me until norm and then all i said was hey this guy’s a motorcycle and the next thing i know teen vogue magazine runs over my racing bike with a steam roller and kidnaps my children
I still don’t know where they are some people were intolerant it’s true people have called me a hero they said i’m inspiring kids look up to me adults lavish me with praise but when i look in the mirror and i see that person staring back at me the real me all i see
Is all those things that i just said i agree with it Wow that video really blessed my heart and i hope it did yours as well you know the lord’s laying it on my heart to tell you that you need to like comment subscribe ring that bell button so you can do life with us here at the babylon bee
It’s god’s will for your life
