Living room and i had a history of anaphylaxis to shellfish but i hadn’t had an attack in years and years i just kind of kept those epipens around obligatory you know because you’re supposed to but i’d never used one i’m in the living room and i start having difficulty breathing and
Swallowing and i’m a nurse and i was like holy cow this is anaphylaxis so i gave myself my epipen my son drove me to the hospital and it was a small town we were in and i knew the nurse who was checking me in and i won’t say her name but
When she was checking me in i thought oh man i’m in trouble she’s got no idea what she’s doing and she’s she said well why did you come you know you took your epipen what’d you come to the hospital for and i thought wow you don’t even know
The basic protocol for anaphylaxis you take your epipen you go to the hospital so she’s like we’re waiting on a bed for one of the rooms so i’m just gonna set you here in the hallway we’ll get to you soon you know and that’s a person that goes i
Mean i’m a critical care nurse that person goes right to the trauma bay because you may end up having to intubate so i’m in the hallway i’ve got strider which is You know and people are just walking around doing their thing i’m dying give myself another shot of my epipen and finally the pa looks over and is like she’s not looking so hot they get me in a room and at this point we don’t have an iv or anything
And i’m crashing fast don gets there and they move me into trauma and uh they can’t get an iv because when you have anaphylaxis everything kind of clamps down and so uh it’s just going from bad to worse and done it’s like if you don’t do something
She’s gonna die you need to intubate her they said oh no we’ve got plenty of time and it was immediately after that that i just quit breathing and it’s funny because i popped out of my body so i could see what was going on and so i’m kind of watching and i’m
Thinking man who is that girl she’s she’s pretty sick i didn’t i was it was so i was so depersonalized i didn’t realize that was me so they intubated me and then and then everything was just black for a while The next thing i remember i kind of materialized in the back seat of my sister’s car and she was driving from wisconsin to kentucky and she was at this gas station she had pulled over and it was pouring rain and i knew my my body felt weird like
Not solid or and i couldn’t feel my bottom and my legs against the seat and that seemed odd and i just couldn’t sort out what was going on so uh i’m in the back seat of her car and i see her clothes and they don’t match and i’m thinking what on earth is
She wearing she looks ridiculous you know when i sensed something was wrong why is she driving in this pouring rain she should be home maybe something’s happened with one of the kids and and i saw her pull her phone out she got onto facebook and she typed um
Hang on or hang in there kiddo i’m coming and then i popped back out of her car and i was just in this dark void i was in this expanse that was so dark and it seemed limitless to me as far as its space and there was an oppressive nature to it and
I wonder if some of that being on the ventilator and the agitation that occurs in a patient even in a coma from being on a ventilator i wonder if i was kind of feeling that on that side because as a nurse it seems to me what people would describe
And so um i had this just oppressive work of breathing you know and it was like i knew i didn’t need to breathe over there but it still seemed like i had to perform the work and um and i was just stuck there i couldn’t figure out how to get out and
Time is really different there um time here is so structured and time there really gets away from you and so i always tell people if i had to compare this earthly time with the time that i spent in the void i would say it was probably about 10 years
I i began to wonder if i had ever really lived like maybe i just imagined all of that to have something to think about in that place i just didn’t know what was going on why i was trapped there what i could do to get out i would try to move
And i’d drag myself forward a little bit and then i’d get so tired and go into what i call the deep sleep where i had no awareness and i that kind of went back and forth for a long time and then finally i started doing some introspection and saying you
Know is there something that i need to understand or learn before i can leave here or or realize that you know maybe i did live that life and there’s something i’m maybe it’s me maybe i’m why i’m stuck here and uh and it just occurred to me that
The the spiritual space that i was in Was a picture of the spiritual space that i had made on the earth realm i had kind of since my divorce many years ago i had kind of built this wall around myself to protect me and protect the kids and you know a wall is great to protect
You but it also keeps people out and it keeps you in and so i really started to isolate you know i mean i went to work i took care of my kids i took care of my house i went to work i took care of my kids and took care of my
House and i stopped putting myself out there and so the isolation that i had built on this side followed me over as soon as i figured out that this was the eternity that i had created as soon as that realization happened there was this rumbling and it exploded open
And so now all these little pieces of the darkness like almost shards are flying they’re just spinning around and the darkness is pushing further and further away and this spirit comes and i didn’t know who she was at first and she’s just larger than life orange hair on her head that is so
Bright it’s on fire um and so there’s like these little licks of flame that are her hair and and she’s just such an attractive spirit like you i couldn’t keep myself from going to her and so i go to her and she holds me against her chest and i realize it’s my grandmother
And i’m weeping you know i’m so relieved that someone’s there and i’m not alone and the dark is gone and and i’m just overcome and i’m crying and and her energy is just circling around me and mine’s still separate but she’s kind of encompassing me and these shards of the darkness keep
Trying to get in and they hit her energy and they’re flung further away and and she’s holding me and i’m crying and she says telepathically because they don’t speak but she says calm yourself dear one and the words were like if any of the people who watch this have
Ever been given like morphine or fentanyl or whatever iv for surgery you know um that immediate rush that you get that’s like super relaxing and you can feel everything that’s what it was like it was like a chemical i felt it acting on her words her the intention of those
Words acted on every cell in my body and i just immediately relaxed and kind of melted into her and and just i mean her energy was just amazing i could feel her loving me and i asked her i said am i dead and she said oh no no you she said it’s
Like you learned in science energy can’t be just created or destroyed it just changes forms it’s true here too so you don’t die you either are alive on the earth side or you’re super alive on this side and it’s just this transition and she said you
Are kind of in between and there’s a little cord that’s holding you to your living side and if you wanted to go back to that you could and i thought okay well that makes sense you know she just kind of loved on me for a little while and and i was just
Floating in this light and i didn’t realize she had gone and all of a sudden there was this like rumbling thundering and like this presence shook everything that ever had been or ever would be every every planet in the cosmos just was rumbling with this energy and i could
Feel it in my bones and i knew something big was coming and i never saw a person and i always refer to god as he just because the energy felt very masculine to me but i mean i can’t say with certainty that this was a man and i
Don’t think god is a man i think it’s i don’t know he was this mix of masculine and feminine because he was nurturing but that power makes you think you know at least me as a traditional person that makes me think of a man you
Know he came to me and i heard him say this telepathic thing he said i am and that was it that’s all he had to say i’m like man you’re the stuff we just come up to somebody and say i am and you’re like yeah you are
There’s a resonance and it’s the key of d is what it sounded like to me and um no it’s hard to talk about um it just had this vibration to it that was alive that just went through me and it was i could feel it just coursing through every part of me and
And so i’m there with them and immediately i i got kind of scared i’m like oh no i wasn’t ready for this he’s going to look at all the stuff that i’m i’ve done wrong that i’m so ashamed of and and you know he wasn’t judging me he
Was like super loving and everything but i just i just it was like being naked in front of a crowd i just was wanting to kind of hide and and he kind of soothed me in that and i knew we were going to go through my life
And so here i’m dreading stuff like a kid you know worried about the parents reading their diary or something and all those things that i was so worried about that i was dreading never came up what the heck right i think i’d probably beat myself up enough about those
And so these other things came up and first he showed me the good and all of the things that i’ve done that i feel really good about did not come up and the things that came up were there was a scene in the grocery store that i had forgotten about i mean probably
When my kids were little the woman in line in front of me and she was short just a couple dollars to pay her bill and she was trying to figure out what to put back and and i just knew what it was like to be in that position as a young mom and
And i said it’s okay it’s okay i’ve got it and i gave her the money and it immediately so i’m seeing this scene like i’m there and immediately it flashes forward and i see this woman um working in a food pantry and she’s blessing these these people with food
And god’s showing me he’s like i want you to see the ripple effect of every little act of kindness and i saw that and i was like oh my gosh that’s amazing and uh and then we went through some of the negative things and the one thing that really stuck with me
Was that um of all the things i’ve done in my life that i’m not proud of the thing that was shown to me is probably the hardest thing to never do again and it was to control my thoughts about other people and god showed me he said let me explain
Something to you so a thought has a certain measure of energy to it and a word has even more and an action has more than that but it all starts with a thought what you think about is what you talk about is what you end up doing and so
You it starts here you gotta control your thoughts and your heart and so he showed me um these negative thoughts that i had had about people and they were deserved let me tell you these were some jerky people so he showed me that when you have a negative thought
About that person that energy goes out there and it attaches itself to that person and you contribute to the jerk that that person is now you’ve attached more of that energy to them this is why forgiving is so important so when you forgive people people say oh it’s not for them it’s for
You it is for them because if they don’t receive some measure of forgiveness that energy is still attached to them and it can’t come away the energy’s got to go somewhere you know energy isn’t created or destroyed it just changes forms so when you have a thought so if i think
Something negative about you that thought attaches itself to your spirit and it makes you more the person that you are that i’m thinking you are and when i forgive you that energy is able to be redirected and so that little bit of negative that i put on you that made you more the
Negative person that you are now comes off because i’ve forgiven you and so it’s really important to that other person’s journey for you to forgive them and it’s really important to you because not only does that negative attempt energy going attached to them but it attaches to you and energy attracts energy
So if you’re harboring all of these negative feelings about people even if they’re well deserved you’re just drawing more of it to you because that energy isn’t attached to you and wow i mean that’s life-changing information you know here i am with this loving creator who’s kind of let all the big
Stuff go that i was really worried about and then i suddenly became angry with him and i realized i’d been angry with god for a long time and i told him i said you know you say you’re this loving god and and you want the best for your
Children and i call bull crap um you know you can just be so honest i love that i’ve seen what what you’ve allowed my own children to go through and i said here their dad abandons them when they’re just babies and you know him leaving me was hard enough and not deserved
And and for him to abandon his own children and i thought you know i can take whatever he did to me but watching those kids you know talk to him on the telephone and then go to the mailbox every day to check for a gift that he said he was
Going to send that’s never coming and watch them walk back heartbroken every day what kind of god allows that you know i said it would have been easier on all of us and this is terrible to say but it would have been easier if he died
Because i could have told the kids this story about what a wonderful man he was and how much he loved them and they would have at least had that but now they’ve got this man that’s alive that is failing them in every way and of course children take that on and
Attribute it to something being wrong with them and i really had held that against god and i was bitter and i wanted to be mad at him you know i mean i was kind of balled up about it and he said oh you’ve completely misunderstood me
And he said let me show you something and we flash forward and we’re sitting in the bleachers david my oldest son is sitting to my right now when i had the experience my grandson was two so david’s sitting to my right and cole’s older he’s like five or six my grandson
Is and we’re watching him play soccer and he’s running up and down this field and the sun’s on his hair and you know that magic of just just kids you know just there’s just something about it and he’s running up and down the field and i just
Seeing him in his strong body and his you know his hair and he’s just i mean just magic it’s just magic and and david looks at me and he says mom i’m never gonna get through this he says mom i’m going to be the dad to him that i deserved if
If it took his dad leaving for him to make that commitment i get it you know it’s been worth it and i gotta say he’s been that bad and it’s so funny because a couple years later cole’s playing soccer who would have known that it too right was playing
Soccer and david looks at me and he says mom i’m gonna be the dad to him that i deserve i mean it just sucks the air out of you i’m like oh my gosh that happened and it was this confirmation from god you know you were here there’s times you doubt
That near-death experience because so many people doubt and he’s like no you were here and and i’m making manifest the things that i promised you and i was like wow the other thing i learned there was we have this really screwed up definition of good and bad to us good is
When nothing is wrong and everything is right and in the spiritual realm good is forward motion no matter how awful it feels so you’re moving forward you’re growing um you know you’re affecting the lives of other people even if you’re doing it through grief or uh you know whatever that’s considered
Good up there he’s like yeah if you’re doing good work even though all the circumstances around it suck you’re you’re still good it’s not bad you’re moving forward now the day that you start sitting in that recliner and you stop interacting with the world and you’re just in that
Um you know i’m gonna do what makes me comfortable that’s bad even though nothing bad’s happening not what we’re here for we weren’t here to be sedentary creatures that have no effect on the world around us there’s no point in you being here if that’s what you’re going to do
You know i learned when i was over there that before we come to this life um there’s actually a decision-making process that we go through with some consultation um of spirit guides and things like that about what family we want to come to and what general lessons we’d like to
Learn while we’re here and i think we know the whole story before we come i think we forget it when we get here i try to remind people of that because before you came you knew what traumas you were going to face and you were like that’s the life i
Want to live i want to have those lessons because those are going to contribute to the growth of my spirit and the way it needs to grow and so this higher you these decisions here that are terrible and i hear they’re awful because this life we perceive it as being really a
Long time but i gotta tell you when i pulled out of my body this this seemed like it had been over like that people say well what about kids with cancer that are suffering or what about kids that are born horribly deformed and and i i just tell them i’m like those
Are the most sacrificial spirits those are the ones on the other side that said i’ll come void of even the ability to communicate just so i can show people a love that transcends speech so you know i’m in this light and this kind of healing process begins
Where the light comes through my feet and it just starts creeping up through my body and it’s it’s healing every little cell that it comes in contact with spiritually you know it goes through my stomach and it goes through my chest and it’s so powerful i can just feel this energy coming up
Through me and it gets to my tongue and these beautiful songs come out you know that i can’t stop god’s energy shot out my eyelashes and it was so bright and it was like looking at the sun without having any pain or your eyes dilate even and no heat or anything and
So it i tried to close my eyes because i didn’t want any of the energy to get out and so i’m closing my eyes and it shoots out my eyelashes and it it goes out into the expanse and turns around and comes back i can feel it going through the little
Curves in my brain and then i feel like i get to this more core part of myself and god’s there and it blew me away i’m like whoa wait a minute do you mean to tell me you’ve been in there all the time you’re not this external thing
And he’s like well i’m kind of both and i’m like so all of us even the people that don’t believe god is in there and he’s like you can’t take me out any more than you could take out your own father’s dna i made you i’m in there you know and and
You can choose to not acknowledge me you can choose to walk around saying your dad’s not your dad but we can prove he is i’m telling you i’m in there and and i’m just waiting to love you and you know even through all of this crap you’re gonna go through
And i went through some hell there for a while you know and i’ve had a lot of trauma in my life and and it just he kind of melted all of that away and and i started realizing i was gonna have to make this decision about going back
And there was a point um actually when i was still in the void that i i i was able to progress and move and see myself in my hospital room and so i see myself lying there in a coma and i saw my daughter there i knew what she had worn that day
And was able to describe that back to her i knew what part of the room she’d stood in so i get to this point where i’m in the light with god and and i have to come back and it seemed like a decision that i probably had made before i was born
That i’d known this was going to happen and that i was going to choose to go back because i because i hadn’t lived the life i was supposed to live not even close fact i had avoided doing the things i was supposed to do i can’t tell you how heartbroken i was
To leave and don says to me you know my husband’s like you know why would you not want to come back to me and i’m like i i can’t make you understand that until you’ve been there you just can’t understand it i knew you’d be okay eventually and so i
Made that decision to come back and and i was crying and and i told god i said at least let me remember it because if i can’t remember this i don’t think i’ll have any hope and i woke up i was off the ventilator my sister was standing there and the
First thing i said was i was with god and the nurse came in and she called the doctor and i’m in saint joseph catholic hospital and the first person they send in to see me is a psychologist you can’t see god and so they wrote that
I was having delusions and you know and that stuff follows you and i thought that’s just i just couldn’t get over the irony of that it’s interesting the response you get when you have a near-death experience because i think as a believer um as somebody who believed in god beforehand
I just assumed that all of my friends that were religious would be the ones that wanted to hear the story the people that i have gotten the hardest time from have been the religious folks and i always try to remind people because i do understand what their
Reservation is you know i tell about this this dark and empty void that i was in and they’re like well wait a minute you’re a christian you should have gone right over to heaven and i think i’ve figured that out a near-death experience is not a death experience
You know i think god knows you’re only going to be there a short while he knows you’re going to decide to go back because you’re not done yet so i think the near-death experience is tailored to the experiencer with what they need so that they can go
Back and overcome some things that are hindering them in their life that’s not the same experience you’re going to give somebody who’s coming to stay so for all of the folks who are christians who are like well you didn’t see jesus and all these other things you
Know i was just there for a little visit and those little visits aren’t like aren’t like moving in I’m in the back seat of her car and i see her clothes and they don’t match and i’m thinking what on earth is she wearing she looks ridiculous why is she driving in this pouring rain she should be home and i saw her pull her phone out
She got onto facebook and she typed um hang on or hang in there kiddo i’m coming well it was funny because when i woke up she was there at the hospital and i said i saw what you typed on facebook and of course there was no way i could have known that
But um it really freaked her out i said why were you wearing that outfit and she said well when i got the call i just grabbed whatever clothes were on the end of the bed and i threw them on and threw some stuff in a bag and i left
And that’s why i was mismatched and she verified the the pouring rain and pulling over and and all of that stuff so there’s no question that i saw that if you’d like to see more of penny’s interview there’s a full unedited interview right here or there’s a link
In the description you can click on there’s about 30 more extra minutes of her talking about other experiences she had on the other side very cool
