mustard and he had like a moment of honesty they were like why can’t you guys win the games oh you know oh the offense isn’t getting it done you know defense you know they’re too slow and just run out tell them we gotta get some more black guys on this team but i’m telling you and immediately everybody’s like one [Applause] actually i got a couple of friends of uh african persuasion and uh i gotta get rid of him man i gotta admit to you i’m fine i’m spending too much money on clothes hanging out with them because i gotta like [ __ ] try to keep up with their wardrobe it’s like every time they go out they got all brand new [ __ ] on all brand new [ __ ] so when i show up with my white version of brand new which is uh you know i basically i ironed the [ __ ] right i ironed it right it’s due they just start trashing me i can’t keep up with them man they got like [ __ ] 58 pairs of sneakers ever said [ __ ] like every color [ __ ] timberland and i don’t give a [ __ ] what [ __ ] up color their shirt is they got a pair of shoes to match it and a hat [Applause] it’s like a rule or something they’re the worst even when you wear some new [ __ ] there’s like some sort of rule that you got to like space out the amount of time with within which like that you wear it because god forbid you wear the same shirt within a ten day period one of them’s gonna notice the old son just look at you funny like this motherfucker’s got the same [ __ ] he had on last tuesday and then the whole car is like oh [ __ ] then everybody just starts making fun of you [ __ ] close first they do the math like what was that five days ago five days this [ __ ] got five shirts we got five shirts and they start breaking it down yo his first shirt be saying monday next [ __ ] be saying tuesday during the weekend he ain’t been wearing no shirt i’ll tell you that’s actually funny you know what that’s actually how i judge black guys now when i first came to the city like all black people scared me i was like the typical white dude from like the suburbs you know what i mean had no frame of reference you know it’s my only frame of reference with black people like those remember those early 90s gangster rap videos throw the [ __ ] la riots in there man it’s [ __ ] horrible pr i’m watching the video so he’s got nice car he’s got all the women and he’s still [ __ ] mad these black dudes are never happy but after 10 years of living in the sea this is how i narrow it down well the black dude scares me now black dudes with dirty sneakers scare the [ __ ] [ __ ] out of me no i figured out my head because i know from hanging out with them that’s the last [ __ ] that they’re gonna let go the immediate [ __ ] that they have on so i think you know if his sneakers are [ __ ] up that means his life is [ __ ] up every time he leaves his building the whole neighborhood oh [ __ ] everyone sucks making fun of him he’s on the train in a bad mood i kind of have this howdy duty kind of mugmy kind of face i’m not saying something’s going to happen i’m just saying i’m paying attention so i’ve been seeing this girl recently uh it’s blaco right she lives up in harlem you know gone out like three four times you know first time we hung out we hung out like the village area in new york you know which is sort of like a racially mixed area so [ __ ] was cool you know what i mean second time you hung out was more like midtown you know then the third time she called me at like 3 30 in the morning and she wanted me to come up to her apartment right so it’s 3 30 in the morning she lives in harlem i look how i look so it’s a [ __ ] situation yeah because you know the deal right basically a white dude feels comfortable up to about like 98 99th street you know what i’m saying the second the streets start getting into like triple digits like 100 101st street start getting like a little asthma like [ __ ] you’re starting to get a little high up here you feel that little tightness in your chest can you feel that 106th street you’re like leaning on [ __ ] like dude where’d all the cabs go how come there’s no taxis up here dude what’s a bodega i don’t know what that is let’s get the [ __ ] out of here so i’m praying to god she’s gonna tell me to take the subway get off at like 105th street 1003 you know which is like the first stop in harlem where i can still look over my shoulder and see like all the white people like disappearing over the horizon you know but she goes no man you want to get in the uptown 2-3 train you want to get off at 125th street like ah [ __ ] on 25th street [Applause] jesus christ that’s like right in the middle of everything i’m gonna be surrounded on all four sides i can’t [ __ ] do this so at this point i’m really trying to hide like the [ __ ] tone that’s starting to creep into my voice you know and i’m trying to ask for really specific directions for when i get up there because i want to know exactly where i’m going so she starts naming the streets i have to go down and every other street up there is named that’s like a black leader you know she’s like make a left on adam clayton take a right on frederick douglas i’m like [ __ ] out of plate now dude go on the internet look about a plate he kill a bunch of white people during a slave revolt dude i going up there so i know what i’m thinking to [ __ ] this [ __ ] [Applause] so at this point i’m really having a battle with myself because i’m thinking i can’t do this right i’m like i can’t do this but my dick’s going now come on man we can do this all right just relax pull yourself together and get on the goddamn train right so as always i listen to my dick oh yeah i get on the train by the time i get up there it’s like five or four in the morning right i’m staying on like malcolm x and like danny glover or some [ __ ] right i don’t even know where the hell i’m at when i see the street i want to go up i want to go up saint nick i can literally see her apartment building but there’s like five or six black dudes standing right on the corner right where i want to walk by so i’m like [ __ ] i thought i was on like some reality show at that point like some sort of like white guy survivor he was ridiculous [Applause] so i’m thinking i gotta walk right by these guys right you know what’s funny i think that they were actually more surprised to see me then i was scared you know and i was really really scared you know but i’m also really really white you know like shockingly caucasian you know like if you’re not ready for me i can like surprise you no especially if you live up there you’ve probably seen a white person for hours possibly days so when i show up it’s almost like magical like a leprechaun came out of nowhere you know felt like i should have like a little pot of gold like a rainbow behind me top of the morning too you like it kind of dance my way past them but it’s been going all right you know once i get in her apartment i’m fine you know i relax sit down you know watch a hip-hop countdown pretend like i know the groups you know what i mean it’s just getting there that’s a [ __ ] pain in the ass but you know i don’t get mad at it because i figure you know black dude’s got to go through the same [ __ ] though right when you go into the suburbs go [ __ ] a white girl right just that same awful feeling but just leaving your people behind you know just less and less of you as you’re [ __ ] driving out there probably start off lean and you’re all [ __ ] cool 20 minutes in you’re driving like ten and two the waves are like dude i like this [ __ ] i don’t like this [ __ ] at all there’s too much grass i don’t see this any [ __ ] up none of the windows are tinted i can clearly see white people in every car this is [ __ ] up listen you guys were awesome thank you so much for coming out south man i had a real weird experience last time i came down here i was in nashville right sort of an awkward social situation right i’m sitting at this bar there’s this white dude sitting like two stools away i don’t know him he doesn’t know me and that terrell owens story wasn’t like sports news so i try to make conversation like man look at this guy this guy just signed a 40 million contract he’s already bitching man how much money do you need to make and the dude looks to me he’s like you know what i say and then he looked over his shoulder which i now know is the telltale sign that the n-word is coming and it’s coming hard oh yeah it’s not going to be pronounced with the a it’s going to be with the r and he hit the r he like stuck the landing there was like a dismount clan members high fiving in the background like doing the wave just out of nowhere so now immediately i’m looking over my shoulder like what the hell are you doing you know what i mean i’m waiting for like this hail of blackfist to come raining down on top of me i hate when people do stuff like that that dude made me part of like a potential ass kicking that i had nothing to do with you don’t do [ __ ] like that he just had that word hot potato just threw it in my lap trying to pass it down to the next white dude i hate when people do that man you know it’s like dude feel me out first ask some questions do you like to fish have you ever [ __ ] your sister right i start rattling off answers then you go old school you give me a pamphlet you tell me about your militia don’t just dive into it that dude was one of the angriest people i ever met i should have known that word was coming because he was just watching terrell right anytime i would bring up look man that guy’s talking trash he would just like flip out he won’t shut up those people get like so mad they’re not even looking at you their eyes are up you just shut up and play the game you know what’s funny i don’t even like terrell but now i love the guy because every time i see him talking trash i know this idiot in nashville is just losing his mind like kicking over his kitchen tv shut the [ __ ] up i like violence man i am not like when it happens to me or if i see it live i like watching it on tv you know watching people you know get attacked by animals just get blasted in the face of something you know like i’m a huge sports fan you’re my favorite like moment of like the last year was in sports that detroit piston indiana pacer bench clearing brawl wasn’t that great [Applause] that was one of the greatest things i’ve ever seen i was so confused when i watched espn that day they were like that was absolutely disgraceful basketball fans yeah it just must be i said that look i’m a basketball fan i loved it i thoroughly enjoyed watching out of shape civilians get the [ __ ] kicked out of them by professional athletes it was fascinating and i think as sports fans we kind of had it coming right because how many times you gone to a game right you got a little too drunk you started screaming at some dude in the field who could clearly kick the [ __ ] out of you right if you saw him in the parking lot you’d be like hey can you sign my stamp collection i think you’re awesome you get in the game you’re all drunk you’re like you suck buddy you’re a piece of [ __ ] and they’re always calling them up come on up here oh come on up here well they came up there they didn’t they kicked the [ __ ] out of everybody it was great it was like a cartoon you’re like beating up whole rows of people at once like i loved every second i love how ron our test punched the wrong guy wasn’t that great he taught that dude a valuable lesson in life when [ __ ] goes down you don’t just stand there like you’re watching a movie like wow it’s coming right at me must be in 3d or something that was a 5 foot 6 inch 110 pound white dude had an angry 6 foot 10 inch black dude running right at him that had to have been in his top three nightmares all time right behind getting his dick cut off and being lit on fire and he just stood there he’s like trying to explain himself well i still have the liquid in my cup so there’s there’s no way i could i’m an idiot people in the stands i mean that’s just like what’s entertaining for me now you know i like that jimmy the greek moment that happens in sports you know like once every four or five years you know that like some 50 55 year old white dude tries to explain why black people are kicking the [ __ ] out of white people in practically every major sport you know and it always goes down the same way right there’s always like three white dudes and the one white dude in the middle he’s always like the guy with like the theory you know he’s always so you know it seems these uh these african-american athletes they are they seem to have this uh this quick twitch uh muscle five you know there’s a slow twitch and there’s uh this quick twitch and the second the dude says that like the other two white dudes start like sliding out of frame like okay this guy’s getting fired and i’m not going to be part of this highlight nice knowing your neck keep that seat warm right and the dude in the middle he’s just like hell bent on getting fired you know he starts like bringing up slavery and evidently they’re breeding the strongest man with the strongest woman in that quick twitch and literally 20 minutes later that dude’s on tv is like fired right he’s crying his family’s standing there he’s got like a box of [ __ ] from his desk with like an emmy sticking out he’s like i don’t know what i said i was just talking about the quick twitch and the slow twitch it was wasn’t just trying to make a point no i love that i love seeing people mess up their careers like that it’s just funny to me plus i gotta admit as a white dude on some level i have to believe in that theory because it’s like a white dude’s that bad at basketball i can’t even watch the nba anymore man it’s like every highlight the white dude’s like that the black cube does like his nuts in his face [ __ ] wow i’m just sitting at home like for the love of god tackle the guy jesus christ get out of the way do you ever get tired of those two nuts flying over your head you know you’re gonna be on sportscenter just get out of the way dude i’m telling you there’s got to be something to that theory i saw this show one time on runaway slaves it’s one of the most amazing programs i’ve ever seen in my life dude when you ran away as a slave you just didn’t run to the end of the driveway and be like ah [ __ ] that job just start walking down the street dude you were to like run through whole states there’s dogs chasing me you’re hurtling [ __ ] you’re swimming those were the first [ __ ] triathletes and there was nobody helping him out there was no dude on the side of the road like come on man two more statesmen in ohio suck it up you’re looking good looking good [Applause] yeah you dude you were on your own any wonder 250 300 years of that [ __ ] and then i’m gonna d you up in gym class it ain’t happening i come from hundreds of years of alcoholics i got like half a liver you know what i mean it’s just you know what’s funny to me about that stuff you can’t even like you know i always say you know that theory is crazy but it’s just like you can’t even bring up how well black people are doing in sports everybody gets all weird about it which i don’t understand because it’s like a compliment you know like feel how weird it is right now you know i just brought that [ __ ] up i’m saying something good right i said i saw a coach get in trouble for that [ __ ] like his team was like owen six or something they just couldn’t win and every week the press was just getting on it more and more and more right and the dude he was just like flustered and he had like a moment of honesty they were like why can’t you guys win a game he’s like oh you know oh the offense isn’t getting it done you know defense you know too slow and just run off tell me we got to get some more black guys on this team but i’m telling you and immediately everybody’s like everyone started freaking out like they had no idea what this dude was talking about it’s like are you watching sportscenter or do you see the olympics like i love the 100 meter dash right there’s always there’s always like like like nine black dudes and that one token white guy in like lane eight i’m just sitting there going come on man one time just one time just win the bronze just do what you got to do the white dude always stays with him till like the first turn then he like [ __ ] blows out his hammy those other eight black dudes left where’s that white dude the next olympics he’s like up in the broadcast booth his career is over he’s where he’s like a commentator yeah it’s going to be a great race still can’t feel my [ __ ] toes but i’m telling you no i don’t get it it’s like a compliment saying you you’re fast that’s a good thing right people start all freaking out you’re acting like that’s all we can do you’re saying we can’t be scientists no we’re not all we’re saying is if there was a race through the microscopes you [ __ ] would win we’re just saying that you’re fast you get there first your lab coat would be flapping in the wind i’d get there like three minutes later all cramped up are you looking at bacteria no you go first you just go for it [Applause] no i get into those arguments all the time all the time friends of mine will be like well how come any time a black athlete does something they say it’s an athletic move any time a white athlete does it they say it’s an intelligent move and it’s like well fair enough man it just just depends on what you’re doing you know what i mean it’s like you know if you read a defense white or black that’s an intelligent move right but if you take off from the foul line jump over nine other dudes and throw the [ __ ] down those other nine guys aren’t standing there like [ __ ] why didn’t i think of that [ __ ] here i am dribbling around guys i said that’s some superhero [ __ ] she had like a cake flapping in the wind with a big s on your chest [Applause] i’m telling you man that’s the funny thing about hitler just let me finish let me work my way let me work my way through this idea no that’s my favorite my favorite sports clip is that jesse owens [ __ ] i just love it because their whole angle was [ __ ] up but he made hitler leave in like the third quarter right he’s putting down his number one finger just [ __ ] walking out of the stadium jesus christ the whole thing was like we are going to create a superior race it’s like dude i think we accidentally already did that now we sent a select group of people to the gym every day for a couple hundred years that’s paying dividends they’re [ __ ] dunking on us every day dude how quiet was that limo ride home with hitler you know what i’m saying you know he was talking crazy [ __ ] when they were on the way there they were all amped up they are going through dominate seeing hell just going off that whole ride home they’re just sitting there all quiet you’re sitting next to an even angrier than usual adolf hitler trying to make some sort of small talk like it is one nice day isn’t it you know nice boots [Music]
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Video Duration: 00:19:45
