i feel i love women but you know what i’m finding i’m not compatible with them you know i’m serious women have like too much energy for me that’s what i’ve noticed you know like you can’t have a day off when you have a girlfriend they just like see that open day they’re like oh my god let’s go fill it up with some stuff no and then they just come at you with one horrible idea after another horrible ideas like you want to make some sandwiches and go to the park every one of the ideas involves like walking around like looking at stuff it’s almost like they’re trying to wear you down after like two or three stores you’re like leaning on stuff i don’t care just buy something i don’t care you know what the worst one is you ever get that one you want to go to brunch you want to go to branch on sunday and inside you’re like now but you can’t say that you got to keep them happy right that’s what they do you’re like yeah let’s go to brunch what a great idea why would you want to sleep in on a sunday when you can go pay 18 for eggs now you think it now you’re thinking then we can sit around and listen to your friends have moronic conversations about the eggs like is that pesto is that pesto in your omelet oh it’s asparagus it’s asparagus i thought it was texture oh you just want to flip the whole table over and just run out of there so i was dating this girl recently this girl’s like really like into like women’s issues she got me his book on women’s live one time right so i’m reading this thing i think women’s live was a great thing like back in the 70s i thought it was cool you know over the last couple years though i think that whole women’s movement it’s really starting to morph into kind of like this reverse pimping kind of thing you know because every time you see them on tv they always say all we want is be treated exactly like guys right but if you listen to them they don’t they only want the good stuff of being a guy they look at a guy’s life like it’s like a buffet like you just can start picking out stuff like same amount an hour we’ll take some of that pay for the movie that’s okay you can keep that one i like that one this is nice that’s yucky that’s icky come on people you can’t choose this girl gave me a rough time one time she goes well why does a guy make more an hour to do the exact same job i go i’ll tell you why because in the unlikely event that we’re both on a titanic and it starts to sink for some screwed up reason you get to leave with the kids and i have to stay [Applause] no that’s why i get the dollar more an hour you know if there’s a house fire it’s always women and children first i gotta stand there with like the back of my shirt on fire go let’s go people let’s go let’s go so that’s how i look at it no it’s a dollar an hour surcharge seriously that if something screwed up happens either i can’t leave or i gotta like get in the way of it to give you a head start like rabid dog run honey one mississippi two mississippi you hear a bump in the night i gotta go check it out like yes he does have a knife [Applause] no i don’t think a woman should make a doll less an hour to do the exact same job okay i’m not saying that all i’m saying is if you’re gonna make what i make when the boat sinks you better be standing right there next to me listen to that guy play the cello then you get the corner office i don’t got a problem you got all the benefits that’s why i didn’t like that movie the titanic you know you know i hate about that movie every girl i meet thinks that movie’s romantic like my god that was so romantic don’t you think no no i don’t it was a horror film and they always like why why because all the guys die see you’re sitting there watching it going who would i be in that scenario you’d be that chick floating away in the big piece of luggage i’m watching it going who would i be i’d be that dude when like the boat breaks in half that dude who like falls straight down bangs off the stuff and goes into the water that’s so i’d be i’d be wearing a tuxedo not because i wanted to but you wanted to dress up that night right and i’d just be falling the whole way down i should have humped that chicken first place i saw a woman a couple months back professional soccer player right she goes on to espn on one of these sports channels and she starts bitching going like i don’t understand how come female athletes don’t make as much as male professional athletes right and all of these men had to sit there and act like they didn’t know what the answer was they had to sit there like dumbfounded like i don’t know why is that that is a conundrum i have i have no idea literally i’m sitting at home screaming at the tv because you don’t sell any [ __ ] tickets nobody is going to women’s soccer games you’re playing in a 20 000 seat arena 1500 people show up that’s not a good night the promoter lost his [ __ ] ass on that gig football do you watch a week i watch i watch two games on sunday i tape three right then i watch the monday game and then tuesday i watch one of the three that i taped wednesday i watch another one then i watch the thursday night game and then friday i get to watch the sunday night game saturday i watch college football okay and it’s fine okay because i have a simple male brain that can just sit there and just just enjoy it i can just enjoy it so so does your wife watch any of these games with you does she she has the female complex multitasking brain that’s why they can’t be happy they just they just always they’re like what is that lizard that can look at two things at once that’s what they like so they’ve got the shoes they want and then they see some other women walking and going oh look at this skinny [ __ ] over here she thinks she’s cute right that’s what i’ve learned oh god what makes women happy nothing nothing makes them happy and that is why they are slowly taking over the nfl because it ignores them that that we can just sit there with like a pizza and a drink like dude that’s not holding just just be like and enjoy yourself so you’re saying that you because you’re happy that you think uh your wife and women in general want to take jealous of it they’re jealous how simple the male brain is you can just sit there and be entertained and fight true happiness and it just bugs them so they gotta ruin it they have slowly taken over the nfl you know all next month once again they’re going to address everybody in the nfl like newborn baby girls for whatever reason did you forget that there’s breast cancer yeah a year ago yeah so they did it last year they’re going to do it again this year yes they’re slowly going to take it over and they get they’re going to they’re going to move us out because i’m telling you i don’t understand why they keep trying to go into a male football league it’s like why don’t you guys band together and start your own league get your own thing going but i realized they don’t want their own thing they don’t want their own [ __ ] they they want our [ __ ] i don’t know what it is and it’s i think it’s because we’re happy we’re just sitting there enjoying ourselves having a good time without them it drives them nuts and they just got to go in there and ruin it so they don’t like they got women’s basketball they don’t even like it they don’t even like football they don’t even like football i don’t get it i don’t get like the fascination like if my wife is having like three of her friends over i screw i leave i don’t need to be there and ruin it for i don’t i know you guys i’m gonna change the dynamic because i’m there and you can’t talk about 100 female stuff out of courtesy i’m going to get out of here i’m going to leave but they can’t do that you’re saying one guy one shoulder [Applause] all right now you know whatever i’ll tell that story better next time i’m going to get it right all right [Applause] i got a girlfriend man i watch a lot of uh watch a lot of tv with her you know i just annoy the hell out of her she loves watching the oprah winfrey show and i love like watching her watch the oprah winfrey show and i wait for oprah to say something stupid the second she does i just take it out of my girl because i’m an [ __ ] that’s what i do [Applause] no we’re watching it the other day you know oprah’s on there she’s interviewing some clam you know and uh she’s giving her this big ridiculous intro like she’s done this she’s done that she’s done this and she does the most difficult job on the planet she’s the mother and continues on immediately i just look at my girlfriend like really being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet oh yeah all those mothers who die every year from black lung from inhaling all that coal dust dude women are just constantly patting themselves on the back about how difficult their lives are and no one corrects them because they want to [ __ ] so there’s just this tornado of like misinformation they’re the most difficult job on the planet what would you rather be doing drilling to the center of the earth shaking hands with the devil every time there’s a rumble in the ground you wait for the whole thing to collapse down on top of you so they can write that folk song about you you know would you rather be up in the sunshine running around with a couple of toddlers that you can send to bed anytime you want some sort of trumped up charges right because you want to have a drink and watch the price is right you know what i mean i couldn’t believe it it’s the most difficult job on the planet oh yeah i thought roofing in the middle of july is a redhead i thought that that was difficult but these mothers are bending over at the waist putting dvds into dvd players i don’t know how they do it i don’t know how they do it dude any job that you can do in your pajamas is not a difficult job all right let’s get a break this is 35 years old playing hide and go seek you’re living the dream you’re living the dream no time card no taxes you’re off the [ __ ] grid making popsicle stick houses i mean it’s the most difficult job on the planet oprah’s not even a mother how the [ __ ] would she know unbelievable [Applause] you want everyone today to have as miserable a childhood as no but it was kind of funny we know it’s hilarious because my mother just popped up and just immediately started cleaning up and my dad just kept eating like he didn’t like like the rolls were defined back then now the guy has to throw the milk he has to clean it up while telling his wife she’s brave for just sitting there like whatever that is that you hear it oh oh i know women are so overrated right we we went from not listening to them to now it’s just it’s just you know it’s just it’s ridiculous like that believe women it’s like all of them how about how about 85 i’ll give you 87 all right but then last 13 that keys your car lets your [ __ ] on fire and puts a family pet in a in a pot of stew who put a pet in a pot of stew blend clothes that’s okay all right it’s unbelievable can’t understand you female voice does not travel well i don’t know what it is up close or in a whisper it can make you dick hard but beyond 10 feet it just sounds like a couple of birds fly you know fighting over a french fry or something you know there you go that’s how we start nobody’s coming out of the gate i’m uh i’m sick of obama’s wife yeah he’s running this isn’t some democrat republican [ __ ] this is just in general just running her yap it’s just like shut up you know you weren’t elected you know your husband isn’t running a lemonade stand he’s running the country no generally speaking first ladies they’ve been out of line for a good 25 30 years they think for some reason that their husband has the job that now they should be chiming in like they know some [ __ ] you know dude if you had a leak at your house and you called the plumber and the plumber comes in and he starts fixing it what would you do with five seconds later his wife who isn’t a plumber comes walking well i think we should ride it over here it’s like shut up just cause you’re [ __ ] the plumber doesn’t mean you understand plumbing okay now this is all like my fears because they’re trying to tell us down uh south here that like they’re starting to like gear up for hillary clinton to be running for president saying like i think that would be a good thing yeah people clapping what is that based on based on what i don’t get how she became a senator that’s shocking to you she went from never holding political office to immediately being a senator why because she was [ __ ] the president should tom brady’s wife be the next quarterback of the rams [Applause] does he have some sort of magical powers like you suck at sports i couldn’t throw it all and then he [ __ ] me and i just picked up this ball and i was just i was just lacing it in there it was incredible dude it all started it all started with nancy reagan that’s where it first went off the rails you know she came out with her little bird body you know just your big head just came walking out saying no to drugs and people off your heroine say you know today she just walked back hillary had her stupid health care plan obama’s wife’s running a yap on 60 minutes you know i got to give it up to the bushes they had their women in line they did barbara never said [ __ ] she smiled every once in a while she threw something in there george w’s wife i don’t even know her name stu was in office for eight years i don’t even know her [ __ ] name was it like beth or paige or something like that he had her on lockdown going out there tonight i’m giving a speech and when i say something and they laugh you’re gonna nod you’re gonna smile and you’re gonna nod that head [Applause] is this how it’s gonna be really do you think like me saying this is somehow gonna affect she’s still gonna win listen let me ask you this question do you think that a woman being president is gonna affect anything do you oh do you what are they gonna do what are they gonna do what’s she gonna what the [ __ ] is she gonna do uh speaking of which yeah uh relationships you were engaged but yes and you broke off that engagement recently is that true yeah that’s absolutely true now was this a painful thing or kind of amicable oh yeah it was really it was fine it was perfectly fine i didn’t know you of course it was painful i don’t know oh you brought up your engagement all right yeah was that like did you throw a dance party on on orange is the new black your character has uh a lot of tats yeah do you get those put on you have you have a tab that says oh no no i have this that’s that’s all my ink i have this uh mic on so yeah that’s all right be a gentleman and help me out with my point hey cody can you believe that marriage didn’t work out i can’t believe your relationships don’t work out talking about domestic violence right for the 9 millionth time this year they’re talking about domestic violence just in case you know you didn’t get the memo you know evidently you know just some people didn’t get it it’s not okay to slam your wife’s head into the cupboard drawers because she didn’t dry the can opener off properly you know it’s gonna [ __ ] rust right how do you not know not to do that [ __ ] do they really have to keep talking about it like who it’s like wife beaters watching for oh [ __ ] now i get it upside daisy sweetheart here we go there you go [Applause] so at the end of the hour they come to the logical conclusion they’re like there is no reason to hit a woman there is no reason to hit a woman and i was just like really i could give you like 17 right off the top of my head you could wake me from a drunken stupor i could still give you like nine dude there’s plenty of reasons to hit a woman you just don’t do it but to sit there and suggest that there’s no reason though the level of ego behind that statement are you levitating above the rest of us you’re never annoying women how many times have you thought about slapping you you [ __ ] guy in the head this week [Applause] there you go everything you didn’t do it right oh dude drives me nuts there’s no reason there’s no reason really no reason how about this you marry a girl you fall in love you buy her a house you go to work every day paying off the house you come home one day she’s banging the next door neighbor hands you divorce papers you’re gonna move out sleep on a futon and still pay for that house that she’s gonna stay in no reason i’m not saying you should do it but there’s plenty of [ __ ] reasons in that arc of a story i’m done okay i’m sorry like nine thousand dollars to [ __ ] fly here no offense but there’s no eiffel tower here i think that’s a little pricey thank you you’re welcome thank you for not just laughing thank you for verbally letting me know that you appreciated that thank you [Applause] she either has no stairs in her house or someone doesn’t know how to walk up them did you call did you call the planner [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] or something [Applause] okay [Applause] well that’s how i heard it
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Video Duration: 00:21:07
