[Music] [Music] thank you thank you new york thank you stubborn stop it how are you guys yeah i am woo too i uh i’m feeling woo i uh it’s so good to be here i’m uh the prime of my life i’m in my late 20s i’m 31 and it’s just it’s going great i uh that’s a woman’s age like i am a woman but i don’t feel like one most of the time i’m still feeling like a girl a lot of times like i’m still relating to taylor swift songs on a level i definitely shouldn’t you know but like my back hurts a lot so i’m like oh that’s right i can’t shake it off like i wish [Music] i wish i could i’m on snapchat you know but like a google bunion surgery every day so looking into that it’s weird like i feel confident most of the time but there are times like the other day i got jealous of a dog’s thigh gap i’m not proud of that it’s just like how does she do it i have to switch to kibble i’m just gonna do it [ __ ] but i’m just like not where i should be i feel as a 31 year old i don’t want a lot of things that uh girls my age want i don’t want kids i do want a baby though so it’s like oh you know they become that and so yeah i do want a baby but like i feel like most women want babies and that’s maybe why so many of us exist because babies are so cute everyone wants one they’re like the puppies of humans i’ve heard um i think a scientist said that once and you know it’s like and that’s all you hear women say when they’re gonna have kids they’re like oh we’re trying for a baby oh we’re gonna have a baby we just had a baby baby and it’s like yeah i know but like eventually it’s just gonna be some dude named doug you know that right like it’s just gonna be a guy like it’s always baby but it’s like it’s a baby this much of the time you know it and then it’s all dug like it’s just no one’s ever like oh we’re having a man that’s what you should say i don’t want a dog i don’t um i’m not i mean i babysat for years cause this family just never came home but that was difficult it’s hard babysitting is hard it’s like ugh because it’s like you’re a mother but you don’t love them so it’s like hard to care yeah i mean i uh yeah i just feel like i’m past my prime to have kids a little bit like i feel like i should have done it in my teens like that would have been the best time it’s like they discourage it almost exclusively but they shouldn’t like if i had a baby now like my parents couldn’t help me at all they live in st louis i’m in la like it would be too hard but if if you’re in high school and you have a kid like you live with your mom and dad or probably just your mom let’s be honest um yeah your dad probably split a while ago but your mom’s there you know she’s hanging out uh vaping watching dr phil something like that like i feel like that’s how she busies herself she can help she can she you could just hand the baby to her and be like here mom try again he’s yours now yeah you kind of [ __ ] up the first time since that’s mine and i can’t drive so yeah his name’s mulligan i really feel like you can nail it this time if you just like focus and stop playing the lottery um i’d have it over with too if i had a baby when i was like 15 she’d be 16 now probably have a granddaughter on the way like that would be perfect for me i could handle life as a nana you know that’s what i call my grandma because when i was little i couldn’t pronounce old [ __ ] so that’s what i came up with but yeah i don’t i don’t want kids yet i don’t want to get married it helps that my boyfriend doesn’t want to marry me so that’s like that’s convenient uh for a while he was like i don’t want to get married until gay people can get married and i was like they can he was like yeah i never thought that would happen so i was like oh i thought that was weird you were protesting all those times so he doesn’t want to get married i don’t really care i don’t need like a big reception i don’t want to whole to do i never want to have to slow dance with my dad in front of all of my friends like that seems like that’s something we do alone together and i don’t want to ruin that like i feel you know thank you yeah and like what if the band doesn’t know genuine’s pony are we supposed to just like freestyle to whatever they come up with that seems humiliating you know uh-uh i also don’t like the fact that when you get married as a woman you just kind of give up your last name like you really it’s nice to take your husband’s name but then you’re like oh this thing i’ve had my whole life that’s my whole identity that my great-grandparents came through ellis island with i’ll just throw it in the trash this guy seems cool but like that’s what you really like your name is nothing after you get married all it is is like your [ __ ] son’s bank account security question answer that’s all your name is what only time it comes up yeah and he’s gotta call you because he doesn’t even know it like that’s the one call you get from him a month mom i’m locked on my account again hey what’s your old name he calls it an old name you’re like you mean my maiden name he’s like whatever uh jones he’s like can you spell it and you’re like [ __ ] dug like jesus christ why couldn’t you see a baby that is weird that that’s the question that they came up with like the banks were like what worthless piece of information could we ask for that no one would ever know about this man to protect his finances and some guy’s like what about his mother’s name they’re like perfect who gives his [ __ ] right his mother’s name that’s the question that’s always that quick that seems like something people should know about you but it’s that question than uh uh your first concert so it’s your name and then your son’s first concert or just your name and limp biscuit are just fighting for the top spot so rude your name really just you’re just like i don’t really see it anymore sometimes women get divorced but they keep their ex-husbands last names because they’re just like i just don’t want to go to the dmv like i don’t care like i’ll just live with this man’s name i hate because i don’t wait in line like i get it because your name disappears that’s why i want to marry someone with my same last name save the trouble not a cousin because they’re poor but like a um like uh like another glazer i could find one and uh but if we had kids i would still make my kids hyphenate their names just to be a dick about it i don’t know i think they’d be like mom why are we glazer glazer like i don’t know i want you to sound like tiny little law firms okay that’s that’s why this is my son cooper glazer glazer and associates his sister associates [Music] [Applause] but we’ve been together my boyfriend and i have been together like three years we’ve broken up like three times but we always get back together so we’re gonna make it and that’s like really promising um no it is it’s been good it’s uh he broke up with me once because he kind of like found out i was lying about who i was in the beginning of our relationship to kind of trap him into one i was like i didn’t know i wasn’t supposed to do that like [Music] but what if i don’t like me uh i really was like pretending to be this version of a girl that he would fall in love with you know i was just walking around like what would khaleesi do like i just i didn’t know what i was like he likes that show i think you know so i just like walked around topless got a bunch of lizards i i didn’t think it through but i hit a couple things i wasn’t lying about who i was i kind of put i feel like i put spanx on my personality like i was just like tucking some things in you know there’s like i don’t know like he’s a lot cleaner than i am we were getting ready for bed once and you know when you’re like first like hanging out with someone you start sleeping over and your hygiene habits kind of meet up and yours are just like not really up to snuff but you just like fake it you’re just like i always brush them this long that’s cool yeah oh you get the bottoms that’s neat i’ll try that all right uh and then my arm is going numb he’s still going i’m just like cool we’re still doing this like i get through that i’m like headed out of the bathroom he’s like you gotta floss and i was like you this never happens i must have hit something this is weird first time both ends are on our period is that not right okay don’t don’t say that so yeah he’s uh we’ve been taking uh showers together recently which is like because i just think he like wants me to shower more so that’s cool let’s take what i can get like he’s like let’s get in i’m like whoo he’s just like scrubbing my back a little too much i’m like what are you doing i was like do you want a [ __ ] he’s like let’s get your feet first i’m like okay all right i was like do you have like a foot fetish he’s like no you have a foot fungus and you should get this looked at it’s of concern i’m like it doesn’t scrub off but he’s like a clean freak you can’t compete with that like he takes up to three showers a week and it’s like we get it dr oz like ugh but it’s been good uh i broke up with him the first time because uh we were a year under our relationship and he would not say i love you and a year in and i needed to hear it because my friends told me i did so that’s when you know that’s really when you know because i was like trying to be cool about like because friends talk about that you know we’re just like did he say i love you when’s he gonna say it and like i didn’t have anything to tell them i was just trying to play it cool i was like i don’t need to hear it you know i just i know he does like the way he like high-fives me after sex like there’s no question like you wouldn’t just do that they’re like okay well well does he he does he talk about the future at all and i was like yeah you know like flying cars robots like climate change we’re all worried so he’s no different you know ah but they were so mad and so i i went back to i was furious too because that’s the thing if your girlfriend breaks up with you out of the blue like when you’re like where did this come from it’s probably because her friends got together and decided that they miss her and they want her back so they fill her head with lies and then send her back to you and just like like because i was so mad i was just like why don’t you love me you know like in a super lovable tone and just like crying in the street and he just didn’t want to say it he he was sweet about it because he was very calm and it was just like he’s honest you know he’s just like i can’t i can’t say it and i was like okay well let’s find a good speech therapist like let’s get you in a program like honestly i thought this was feelings for you but clearly it’s phonics so this is like such a relief he really he this is what he did say he was like he’s like i can’t say i love you i was like you just did i’ll take it thank you so much you can stop right there that counts but i’ve only had really two serious boyfriends in my life and the first one definitely uh did not say it on his own he um he was a blackout drunk with the twin bed and um that second part’s not really that important i just kind of want to paint a picture uh he had a twin bed he was 30 with a twin bed and i would be like can you upgrade to a full so i feel like a woman and um that’s all it takes you know and and he was like no it’s an extra long twin i was like oh a california twin wow am i rihanna jesus so he uh he would get blackout drunk all the time we were long distance he would make he would get caught making out with girls in bars back home where i was from my friends would see him they’d call me tell me about it i’d go in the next day and be like what the [ __ ] and he was like i thought it was you and i was like oh like i was flattered was she skinny like ugh so he was he came to visit me for valentine’s day and i was like oh my god he’s so gonna say i love you this is the trip and i got ready i told all my friends like this is it and it was a great night like we went to this fancy dinner that i paid for and then we were like in this alley and like i was rubbing his back as he vomited and it was just like everything i’d wanted and he just got really sick and passed out and i was like oh my god like he didn’t say i love you i think you may have said i hate you it’s like it was the worst time but i was like wait a second when he gets black out drunk he doesn’t remember anything he does or says so i’ll just make last night whatever i want it to be so this is true i got i woke him up the next morning and i was like hey do you remember what you said to me last night he was like no i’m sorry what i was like no you told me you love me he was like i did and i was like yeah and he was like okay that’s it he started saying it after that that’s i date raped my boyfriend into loving me that’s what i did thank you so much i took back the night [Applause] i uh it was like a pretty good plan i couldn’t use it though with my boyfriend now because he doesn’t drink so i was like what am i gonna do so this is how i got how am i gonna get it uh this is how i got it i i decided to ask him to say i love you as he was coming which is a great time ah that’s a per like a guy will do anything for you in that moment you just gotta time it perfectly i was just like tell me love you love you like it was just like i got it you know just the ones but i got it you know so that was pretty cool and uh because i thought about i was like oh my god guys are so vulnerable in that moment they will do anything right before they come up until they come like he i feel like my boyfriend would like take a bullet to the brain for me he would jump in front of a train for me he would do anything in a bruno mars song pretty much is what i’m saying like definitely i feel like bruno mars must write all his lyrics before he comes like that’s the only way he feels those things and then it is a sharp drop-off after that right after he comes i feel like he’s in one second he’d do anything for me and then he’s like and then it’s just like i feel like he’s like what have i done like he just he wants to pretend it didn’t happen we can’t really talk about it i’m like tell me about my [ __ ] he’s just like no like he doesn’t i want to talk he’s off getting a towel i’m like you can let it marinate i don’t care like this is fine he’s like dabbing me off i’m like are we having company like what’s the rush like you know this was consensual right what are you doing he’s so ashamed he tries to close me like a laptop i’m like i’m a real woman with feelings and thoughts in a career you can’t do this [Applause] i think it’s porn i think that’s what makes guys so ashamed after they come sometimes because they’re used to just watching disgusting things they’re like whoa that didn’t happen but it did you did it and it’s like i i get it like i i don’t mind that guys watch porn they all watch it and um i don’t i don’t care that my boyfriend watches porn like i’m on the road a lot so sometimes i’ll ask him to send me the porn he’s about to jerk off to and then i’ll sit there and watch it like just knowing that he’s jerking off to it like i think it’s like romantic because i’m like somewhere out there [Music] like we’re looking at the same moon you know it’s beautiful kind of i’m not like totally like i don’t love porn i watch it sometimes mainly for tips like i’m always looking for like new tricks i can try you know especially when it comes to blow jobs i’m always like i feel like i’m not very good at them so i’m always like i’ll check out a [ __ ] video and like the front page like something very mild i’ll be like okay this seems cool i’ll just take some notes like what are these gals gagging about and just like you learn some things you’re like oh okay use both hands i can do that that seems cool all right look terrified all right i’ll give it a whirl wouldn’t be the first time you know be fun to revisit okay choke to death perfect okay that’s how i’m going to go then like it’s like violent stuff on the front page you don’t even have to dig for the stuff every porno is just like oh it’s like a girl just like dying when did this happen i feel like i took a break from porn and then it’s all just slobber now it’s like these girls have so much saliva and i’m like i don’t have that much like it’s making me insecure i’m like these [ __ ] look like saint bernards like i don’t have this like frothy foamy strands i’m like do i need an extra gland or something like what i got to be wet up here now like it’s just too much i hate the way porn has made me feel throughout my life i started watching porn when it first came out in 98 and uh it made me feel sad then i hadn’t even kissed a boy and i was like i have to do that like and then i didn’t watch it forever then i i checked back in on it when i like started being interested in like having sex i was like maybe i’ll try it and then i was watching it and i saw porn vaginas and i was like mine doesn’t look like that have you seen porn vaginas they’re just like these tiny little it’s like god’s little whisper it’s just like a little suggestion it’s it literally is sometimes i’m like does that girl just have a paper cut down there like is that looks like it would hurt like it’s just these time i haven’t looked like that since i was seven to be honest like i remember i didn’t know those were my glory days i should have just stared at it more and been like you got a girl like that would have been amazing i squandered my youth yeah those porn vaginas made me so sad about my own because man my vagina doesn’t look like that and i hated it for a while i just i was like so furious every time i looked at it i wanted to punch it i was just like and it looked like it had been punched several times so that’s what’s weird about that i was like why make it worse sometimes i see and i’m just like were you in a street fight early like it just is like picking gravel out oh my god you know what i’m talking about like you something if you have vaginas like mine like where you’re just like like it looks like it’s trying to escape kind of like do you know what i mean don’t be ashamed i have it too it’s like some you could ask me how’s it hanging some days and that’s fine that’s that’s my body you go to get a wax and she has to go through like a rolodex okay let’s go no one just me great great feeling great about my body again thanks so much but yeah i don’t know i don’t i’m not bothered by porn as much anymore my boyfriend got me into porn uh the industry it’s been pretty lucrative it’s uh i’m just dipping my toe in you know just that’s what i do i dip my toe in girls vaginas that’s um it’s very niche very niche um i i we’ve been watching porn together a little bit and uh because we finished friday night lights so that’s what what netflix wanted for us and uh so we’ve been watching porn together and he’s he wants to watch what i want to watch so he’s like what are you into and i’m like well if it were up to me we would watch a tmz clip of zac efron getting out of a car like that’s what treats mommy right you know like that’s fine for me but in terms of porn like i just there’s nothing there’s been a couple videos that i’m like i like that but i always stumble into them i wouldn’t know how to search for it it’s too weird that what i don’t even know how to describe what i like he was like try me like i’ll find it because apparently he’s like the edward snowden of porn like he can just hack and like find anything but he was like describe it come on i’ll find it i was like okay uh of the porn i’ve seen the the ones i like are like the videos where the girls she isn’t really quite into it at first you know she’s a little bit like i don’t know you know but then she like gets into it but like at first she’s just like a little reluctant and he was like oh yeah reluctant porn he starts typing in reluctant like what are you doing he’s like reluctant i’m like that’s not easy yeah it is and it is oh it is it is there’s so much reluctant porn with reluctant in the titles i mean it’s just like hot reluctant [ __ ] and i’m just like one of those words is not like the other porn like that doesn’t that one where did you learn that word have you been attending night school like what reluctant it’s very hot you should look it up it’s uh if you want if you don’t want to if you’re a little reluctant to do so i do uh i do a pretty sick impression of reluctant porn so here we go so this is all reluctant porn ready no okay like that’s it that is it yes slight hesitation full commitment yes i’ve learned a lot from porn uh dirty talk wise not like physically i just my mo is i kind of just lay there like i’m a bottom you know like i just and i’m enjoying myself i don’t want to change like i like being on bottom i’m i’m not a dead fish i just i hate when guys call me that i think that’s rude dead fish i’ve had a dead fish i’m like what no no i’m like a fish on its way out like that i’ll give you that like i’m not doing great but like dead maybe someone just needs to clean my tank you know like that’s that’s what i call going down on me thank you so much it’s really disgusting please tonight if you get gunned down on like just say to yourself just for me just go like yeah you clean that [ __ ] tank just like for me it just it’ll make you feel good i know i feel like i’ll feel it you know like my ear will tingle i’m like yeah girl’s getting her tangling i eat it i love that so i i if you’re lazy in bed like i am you kind of got to bring it when it comes to uh dirty talk because i’m rarely like on top doing things that are impressive if i’m ever on top i always do reverse cowgirl because you can pretend his legs are zac efron’s a lot easier than his dumb stupid head so but if you’re on bottom just chill and say some good stuff like i now i i have lines to say before i did it i would just be put on the spot and i couldn’t think of anything he’d be like what do you want i’d be like to check my phone i mean to check your dick and he’s like what something for crabs i don’t know okay i’m sorry so go in with a plan and that’s where porn comes in you watch porn you steal the line from that and you use it and i steal from sasha gray she’s my favorite uh porn actress she’s awesome she’s so like poetically filthy and i stole one of her like mild lines from one of her disney porns and um the line was i uh oh you own this [ __ ] i was like that’s great i’ll use that you know i’ve been looking to sell this thing off for a while anyway so please someone take it so i said that i decided to say that so we’re doing it and i’m like gearing up and i just like he’s back there and uh set the scene he was back there and i and i and by the way i was not even doing doggy style like that’s even for me i’m like i don’t want to plank right now like can we not i’m always like can we turn doggy into walrus can we like make this a little bit more comfy for old glazed dog like i don’t want i don’t want to engage my core right now if that’s cool thanks so he’s doing it i’m wallerson and he uh things are going great and out of nowhere i was just like you own this [ __ ] and he was like what and i was like you heard me and he was like okay and he’s like nervous because he’s like a first-time [ __ ] owner like i think he had just rented before i apparently it can be nerve-wracking you know so it was good i was excited i was like ah and to be honest i really thought that i would say you own this [ __ ] and he would just like immediately finish like he would just be like i love you but it didn’t happen that way he like needed a lot more from me like that was it was hot but he like needed me to say more things and uh and i didn’t have anything else to say that’s all i had written on my hand so i was just kind of doing this so i just started repeating myself which works at first you know you’re like you own this [ __ ] yeah i do you own this a year i do you own this [ __ ] okay uh pretty aware of that by now care to expound on this situation whatsoever and i was i had nothing so i’m just like uh it’s in escrow we just we just put it in i don’t know what i mean i’m just grasping at loose real estate terminology there’s a spacious eat-in kitchen if you just contact janet russo to set up a showing 917-425 he’s like are you giving me my aunt’s number like i don’t know this is the only real estate agent i know i’m like check out the mud room it’s right above you if you so dare come on please no anal anal oh god do you guys do it i do uh i love it um i don’t i mean it’s fine it’s good you should try it it’s uh and i always feel weird saying that i’ve done it because people i just feel like we didn’t need to know that or they’re like i would never do that but here’s the thing i’ve done research 33 of women have done it so like all of these girls that just like crazy because i wouldn’t think you’ve done it but you have these are facts so that’s like so weird mom it’s like just knowing that you’ve done that my boyfriend bought me a sex swing uh i did not ask for one he surprised me with it i got back from the road and he like walked me in the bedroom was like surprised and i was like are you living with a handicapped woman that needs to get in and out but like it’s it’s a big apparatus with all these straps i mean it it really looks like how they fed the velociraptors in jurassic park like when they lower the cows down and then they come back up which is like swinging straps you guys know that’s a sex swing i think i’m pretty sure it’s really it’s fun it’s great i uh i know why he got it because he’s like tired of doing all the work because i just lay there so he’s like because you know i just like plopping this thing and then he just taps it once and then you’re just like [ __ ] forever like it’s just perpetual motion after that it’s like the bird dipping in water of sex she’s like you’ll just [ __ ] forever until a scientist comes and stops i don’t know why that has to happen but yeah it’s pretty fun i found the box and he hadn’t like opened the whole box because on the box it said free blindfold inside i was like yes a sleep mask you know like i love sleep masks i i love i wear them on planes i need them i’m a connoisseur i leave them in place all the time though and so this one i’ve been wearing it’s so good it’s the best one i’ve ever had this sex wing blindfold uh so it blocks out all the light it it does say come [ __ ] on it but i’m like that’s who i am so you know far be it for me to deny southwest that information you know it is weird when we land and i wake up and i’m like i hope that’s drool i go really i hope israel please be drama i’ve said that so many times in my life please be drawn i don’t know why it’s a weird thing to say i am like obsessed with talking about sex i apologize if it’s not your thing but like come on it’s like so fun and uh like we’re all having sex but we don’t really like talk about it like we’ll be like oh yeah i’ve had sex before like we’ll admit that but we won’t be like oh yeah i’ve been like but that’s like what you look like no one admits that they’re like no i look cooler no you don’t you’re just like like this it’s just a bunch of like skin like shaking it’s so gross and you all look like it we all do but like the only thing that like differentiates us is like we put on clothes and we’re like nope i’ve never done that what’s going like as soon as you’re not naked you can be like no i don’t do that what are you talking about i’m a princess like that’s what’s separating us is just clothes like you can give like a sloppy blow job and put on like some jeans and a tank top and be like i’ve never sucked a dick in my life what are you talking about [Music] nope not me and it’s like yes you have if you want a tank top male or female you suck some dicks like that’s just a fact of tank tops i think yeah pregnant women are my favorite because you’re like i know you doing it like hey you got stuffed you got stuff like you know it and uh and then you oh you can find out like exactly when she had sex like all you have to do is ask like whenever you do or pretend you care or whatever and then you just do some light math and you count back nine months and you’re like july you were just like oh like in july you are getting it you love it yeah you should be ashamed of yourself like i love that that’s the thing about being pregnant like you if you tell your parents you’re pregnant like you’re pretty much like dad chris came inside me come here [Music] i kept it in like this no i don’t want to do that i don’t like how women are marketed to feminine wipes feminine wipes are these things you’re supposed to carry around because they’re like hey your vagina smells like it’s supposed to and it’s grossing everyone out can you fix it please thank you we’re like okay i’m so sorry to ruin the party people are buying these i don’t know anyone who does but i just don’t understand why those exist yet ball wipes were like no that’s cool we don’t need them i i don’t want balls to smell different but let’s just like we should be equally shamed you know like a fun portable ball wipe like why can’t that be a thing i don’t this is the thing i don’t want your balls to smell good i like the i don’t like like the way they smell but i’m like i’m not like [Music] i don’t want it like wafting through my foyer but like not dragging my boyfriend into a yankee candle like can you guys match this scent is there a way with like a touch of taint like just like a cool okay i’ll leave you here i’ll be a piercing pagoda bye like no i don’t like i don’t enjoy the scent the aroma but i like that balls smell exactly how they look like that’s there’s something cool about that they’re just so authentic and so they shouldn’t smell good you shouldn’t put anything on them because we know that things are supposed to look how they smell we all know that from febreze commercials you know where a person they set a person in a hoarder’s apartment and they blindfold them they’re like where am i am i in a whispering meadow what’s happening there’s like a rat crawling behind them in some trash they’re like what’s that is that a bobbling brook going on back there then they take it off they’re like it psychologically [ __ ] you up don’t febreze your balls like there’s no amount of smell i’m not gonna close my eyes when i’m down there and be like am i in an arabian spice market tonight like no i know where i am your dick is in my eye like that i don’t really know but like everyone knows about ball smell it’s it’s funny to me that they attacked women’s smell first because ball smell has been around forever even before i knew what balls were i knew what ball smell was like i knew balls smelled and so did you think about it you’re a kid right and you walk into a room that smells a little weird you turn to your friend you’re like it smells like balls in here right like that that’s a phrase that was based on your balls to convey a generic funk smell like it’s been your grandma could be like smells like balls in here you’d be like that’s absolutely right grandma like that’s a normal thing for you to say right now because it does smell like balls in here like i think chaucer wrote it that’s been around forever so [Applause] i was having sex recently with uh my boyfriend and i hate seeing boyfriend because it sounds like boyfriend i hate it my ex my future ex fiance and i were uh we can get there and uh no we were doing it uh recently and uh he said the funny thing and this is how i know he watches porn a lot because out of nowhere he just goes what would you do for this dick great question i was like i love it so are you terry gross this is amazing what would you do he doesn’t talk like that either by the way like he’s like why do you sound like batman right now what would you do and i was like i didn’t know your dick was a klondike bar let’s start there like i don’t have a plan i was like i’d do a silly dance and he’s like please stop it’s going down he’s like okay i didn’t i didn’t know what to say he asked it at the wrong time you should ask that question before you have sex right like what would you do for this dick he’s like across the room he’s just dangling it and i’m just like anything anything like that that’s the way i’m just like that’s how i get a real dick hungry but i just he asked it while i had it he’s like what would you do for this dick i was like whatever i did 10 minutes ago that seemed to work sit on your couch and eat thai food wait till shark tank is over like there’s not a lot of hurdles between me and your dick you know like i didn’t know what to say i i hope he asked me again because i just wasn’t prepared which he won’t because i’ve done this joke so but if he does i i would say if he’s just like what would you do this dick i’d like press play and be like i would walk 500 miles and i would like because i would i love it i do i love i love it it’s my best friend uh so yeah i just dicks are so fun to me i like to compliment my guy’s dick like i i did that very early on on in our relationship i i complimented him and i i learned that there’s only so many things you can say about a dick that guys want to hear it’s like two things you can be like oh it’s so big or like owie like that’s kind of it like don’t stray too far outside of that but that’s that’s hard because like sometimes they’re not huge like my boyfriend not huge average perfectly average i love it it’s wonderful but it’s average and you can’t celebrate that that you know you can’t be like oh my god it’s so [ __ ] expected like yes fill me up with that adequate [ __ ] like the other not good so so you lie you lie you know like you’re in the moment and we were in the moment and i was just like it’s so big and he was just like oh is it you’re so big i was like yeah and he was like we’re looking at the same thing right now come on so very i’m like can you just like suspend disbelief for like 15 seconds maybe and think to yourself like well maybe she’s only seen baby dicks like she worked in a nursery her whole life and never got a date like maybe that’s it but he was like don’t lie i’m like okay fine i won’t and then i just stopped complimenting it all together because i was like i can’t say anything but then i realized oh wait i can say it’s perfect that’s what i’ll say because it’s not a lie i think it’s perfect so now i say it’s perfect so if you’ve heard your dick is perfect it’s average or below average so that’s just the thing i want you to know yes yes and the lady has found a loophole but i really i don’t care that much about dick size i know it’s a it’s a thing but i don’t know if i love someone enough i really don’t care and my friends are like yeah right and i’m like i really i don’t they’re like what if he had a micro penis and i’m like i don’t know there’s other things like you can work around like you can cheat on him you can um use toys uh no there’s other things you can you have your hands you have your tongue you know at least you don’t have a micro tongue you know celebrate that if you have a micropenis just be proud of your big tongue because if you had like a tiny little how gross would that be if a guy was like hey baby and then then like a little gecko but he just had a huge [ __ ] what are you like you’d be like where’s micro i need him like that is so gross so at least your tongue’s cool you know i did get in trouble for lying you shouldn’t lie uh and i know that he was we talked about it a lot my boyfriend was like you know don’t lie like girls don’t know because they don’t get compliments down there so they like don’t get it what it feels like to be lied and i was like yeah you know i’d i’d we’d like some you know and he was like really like what would what would i even say i don’t know like like we’re tight or whatever he was like really i wouldn’t even think to say that that’s crazy that’s i’m like to me or girls in general like what’s the vibe here he was like no babe you’re perfect and i was like yes okay oh [ __ ] you okay that’s mine he was like owie i’m like enough new york thank you so much for coming out tonight you’re so great thank you thank you thank you i love you thank you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you
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