listen you know when i was growing up it’s probably about eight years old and at the time we were living in silver spring yeah yes common misconception about me in dc a lot of people think i’m from the hood that’s not true but i never bothered to correct anybody because i wanted the streets to embrace me as a matter of fact i kept it up as a ruse like sometimes i’ll hang out with rappers like nas and them and these [ __ ] start talking about the projects yo it was wild in the pjs yo and i’d be like word [ __ ] work but i don’t know i have no idea my parents did just well enough so that i could grow up poor around white people [Applause] and to be honest when nas and them talk about the projects [ __ ] i used to get jealous because it sounded fun everybody in the projects was poor and that’s fair but if you were poor in silver spring [ __ ] it felt like it was only happening to you i know the pain of that first sleepover at a white friend’s house when you come back home on sunday and just look at your parents like y’all need to step your game up everything in timmy’s house works remember the first time you saw that in a cold winter and to be at a white friend’s house and see the [ __ ] in their living room without their coats on timmy was one of my first white friends like in my life man good dude too he moved to silver spring from utah of all places i guess his family was affiliated with that mormon church they got down there and me and him used to hang out and one day i was at his house we were just hanging out and timmy says dave why don’t you stay for dinner tonight i said oh man i’d love to but i can’t if i’m not home before dark my mother will kill me that was a lot my mother had several jobs i hadn’t seen her like three or four days that point in my life it was my experience that white dinner wasn’t delicious i’d rather go home and fry some bologna or some [ __ ] like that [Applause] but then old timmy threw me a curve ball i wasn’t expecting he said oh it’s too bad you can’t stay dave because um mom uh made stove top stuffing i said what the [ __ ] stove top well hold on [ __ ] let me make some phone calls real quick i had seen that commercial so many times i had dreamt of getting my hands on some of that stovetop stuffing and finally i met a [ __ ] that actually had a boxing stove top in the house i couldn’t miss this opportunity so i pretended to call my mother and then i came back and i said timmy timmy you’re not going to believe this great news mom said i can stay he said fantastic he said why don’t you come with me and we’ll help set the table and then we can say the blessing i had no interest in setting this [ __ ] table of saying these crazy ass mormon prayers i just wanted that god damn stuffing hands first my plan was simple wash my hands slowly and by the time i’m done the table will be set the blessing will be said and all that there will be left to do is eat i went to the bathroom i washed my hands very slowly i must have been in there for about 10 minutes and suddenly one of his mothers came to the door [Applause] she was like hi david right i said yes ma’am she said timmy tells me that you’re planning on staying for dinner i said i hope that’s not a problem ma’am she says no it’s no problem in fact we’d love to have you it’s just that we weren’t expecting company and i’m afraid there’s not enough stove top stuffing for everybody so i kicked her in the [ __ ] bam ladies and gentlemen i told you i’m dope [ __ ] i told you i was gonna say and you still didn’t see it coming and that’s why i make the big bucks [Applause] oh my god but there’s more important reason that i would stop doing comedy right now and this reason is the real reason that’s been percolating and it really is the crowd not you i’m talking about the crowd on the big stage it’s too hard to entertain a country whose ears are so brittle [ __ ] are so sensitive the whole country is turned into bitch-ass [ __ ] everything you say upsets somebody you know i can remember when it all started it was when i was doing chappelle show when i was doing chappelle show i just do the show and then on the weekends i do like concerts and [ __ ] like that so i’m doing a concert and there was a couple in the front row beautiful couple the wife wife is obviously asian you can see it in her face the husband this [ __ ] was mysterious to say the least couldn’t quite pinpoint where he was from caramel colored fella very nice hair but it could have been from anywhere bangladesh mexico i can’t guess with a [ __ ] like this all i knew for sure about this guy is that his wife was a [ __ ] i could see that in her face too no he was laughing and having a good time and she was scowling at me at a goddamn comedy show i couldn’t figure it out and then i realized at some point that she was pregnant and i was smoking on stage i said oh my god that’s probably why she’s mad so i started to put my cigarette out but then she hit me with one of them fake non-smoker calls so i just kept smoking i thought to myself [ __ ] that babe would be fine relax and i tried to break the tension i just asked her that’s all i said i go hey where you guys from anyway and i could tell that she was on to me she goes very condescendingly she says i’m from california if you’re asking my ethnicity i am china [ __ ] he was like a mexican bro i said well i’m sorry if i offended you by asking but you’re a very beautiful couple and miss there’s no question that you’re going to give birth to the hardest working baby this world has ever seen [Applause] that’s not a bad joke she got very upset she got up to leave immediately but she didn’t just leave she had to take one last dig at me on the way out i will never buy one of your [ __ ] dvds again dave chappelle i said ma’am with all due respect chinese people don’t buy dvds [Applause] and the crowd went crazy we’ve all laughing having a good time i didn’t even think anything of it and then just three days later this lady sends a [ __ ] letter to my promoter telling him not to book me for shows anymore because i was quote racist huh and and i’m quoting her insensitive to the nature of my interracial marriage i was like word [ __ ] i was and she she would know that i myself am in an interracial marriage that’s right in fact my wife is asian too surprised [ __ ] i’ll see you on thanksgiving but my wife’s not chinese she’s filipino that’s right that’s right and our kids are puerto ricans somehow so there you go i don’t give a [ __ ] about interracial in fact you know what my mother is half white a lot of people don’t know that right you were a little too excited but okay a lot of people don’t believe me when i say that but it’s true you can’t tell looking at me but if i grew my hair out you would think he was at a [ __ ] cat williams concert my shoes my [ __ ] is beautiful
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Video Duration: 00:10:18
