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my Dad’s here tonight give it up for my dad he’s in the [Applause] house my daddy oh my dad’s so cool I’m going tell you a little bit about my dad my dad is like Mr cool guy like life of the party you know what I mean like super athletic like really into sports like my dad’s the kind of guy who watches a boxing match on TV as if he is in the boxing match on TV you know what I mean like he’ll watch it like this like whoa dad are you winning he got us involved in sports when we were younger but not like the legit way only if it was free to sign up and you got a free t-shirt to play cuz if you had a pay for uniform forget it you can’t be on that team for instance I ran track and field growing up but I wasn’t on a track [Laughter] team my dad would just take me to the track meets on Saturday morning and sign me up I was the only one with my number on binder paper it would look like this Lane one Lincoln High School blue and gold lane two Gunderson High School brown and gold Lane three Angela and some jeans a T-shirt and a pair of flipflops I didn’t know what I was doing I wasn’t trained properly everybody else is lined up and they’re professional like I’m a runner this is how you start position except for me cuz I was up there like this everybody on the side is telling me like get down get down in the position I’m like why why I’m going to get down I got to get back up to start running that wasn’t trained properly sure enough the race starts the gun goes off everybody takes off running except for me I’m hiding I thought I was a drive by I don’t know what’s happening I was really in the wrestling grown up WWF right before it was WWE you know I mean like some old school wrestling like some Hacksaw Jim Dugen Ultimate Warrior rery Piper Million Dollar Man tugbo earthquake demolition Bush I was seven years old into wrestling right you know when a kid does something good in school you give them like a toy or a prize or something right well I’m seven I got good grades one time and my dad surprised me with tickets to go see WWF at the arena it was the best day in all the seven years I had lived up to that point it was so cool me my sister and my dad went to the arena my mom painted our faces like Legion of Doom we walked into that Arena like we were Legion of Doom like they’re going to tag team is in accidentally you know the wrestlers come out right and they run to the ring and everybody’s trying to get a high five from the wrestler well I’m the littlest one trying to get a high five talking about I saw duing I duing right here right here right here but he didn’t see me now my little brother he’s starting to get into that like MMA May fighting right but see I’m not a big fan of that well I’m not a fan of my brother doing that right and he’s like Mr macho guy like muscles tattoos everywhere like all he does is train to fight work out at the gym and take pictures of himself for Facebook BR Mr macho guy but really if you knew my brother he is the most sensitive guy you will ever meet he is is like he’s the first to cry at an Allstate [Music] commercial he cannot take constructive criticism and he still sleeps with a teddy bear yeah and not even like a little one that you can hide somewhere like a full on I won this at the county fair and now I’m going to sleep with it and he’s had it for years since he was a kid right so it’s fil filthy you know what I mean like it’s disgusting and one day my mom washed it she put in the washing machine and my brother came home and he’s like Mom where’s my bear where is my bear I washed it you what in the machine well does he still have his nose uh no I think your bear Tapped Out sorry you’re an adult stop sleeping with bears and move out I got a lot of good childhood memories growing up but now I’m moving on to that next phase in my life I just got married recently thank you thank you yeah I know I didn’t mean to Blind y’all sorry I know it’s real sparkly don’t be fooled by the rocks that I got I’m still Andrew from the black kick it when I first started telling people that I got married like a lot of people were surprised they’re like what oh my god I didn’t even know I thought you were a lesbian [Music] surprise ponytails cuz I’m lazy not a lesbian but thank you for coming coming everything about my wedding day was perfect except for the fact that I got sick I know it was my own fault too cuz uh what had happen [Music] was uh I took too many supplements that day and by supplements I mean I take this multi- pack vitamin it’s like six different vitamins I was on antibiotics from the week before cuz I was fighting something then I got congested so I took a decongesting pill but then I got a headache so I took like three Avil and like you can’t put that much poison in your body and your body not try to get rid of it right you see I wasn’t think about that I’m a wedding day I was just all excited I started feeling a little sick so I took the whole aisle three at the pharmacy and we decided to take pictures before the actual ceremony so I’m there like posing for my pictures and then all of a sudden it just hit me [Laughter] [Applause] like uh I think I have to use a restroom no wait a minute never mind false alarm but you know how it comes and goes like your body will give you that natural first warning and it’s up to you if you want to be obedient or not like you supposed to get the warning and be like ooh better start making my way over like that’s what it’s for but see I tried to man up right I was like no no no I got this go go take the picture take the picture start posing for my picture again then I don’t know if anybody here ever seen that movie [Applause] Bridesmaids you know that part where she go boo booing her dress well I’m standing there posing for my picture and all of a sudden it hit me again I was like ooh that’s not a warning and I had to recollect all my track and field [Applause] training I had to run back to my hotel room my photographer had to help me jump out of my dress real fast like that’s not in their job [Music] description by the time I walk down the aisle everybody just thought I was nervous cuz my face is pale I’m walking down the aisle like [Laughter] this do you take this man to be your husband yes I do do you really what yes I do he does we all do we all do you don’t need me for the rest of this do you I’ll be in the back all in all was a beautiful day you know we had a great time friends family it was a lot of fun just uh take a couple of em modium and you’re all good but if you take em modium be careful cuz you good for like three days you be like okay I’m ready oh that’s too real I think I gravitate towards Filipinos cuz we’re very similar Mexicans Filipinos are very similar you know what I mean like we have big families y’all have big families we live at the same house y’all live at the same [Applause] house very similar one of my good friends she’s Filipino right and uh one day her grandma was driving and she probably shouldn’t have been but she was and uh you may think you know where I’m going with a joke but you don’t so just wait for it so her little Filipino Grandma she’s driving and all of a sudden she hit a dog I know it was really sad but her response to that was sorry dog stud Doug so at least she [Music] apologized and now I just use that in everyday life like if I trip over something I’m like oh sry th I feel like all my Filipino friends are real jumpy like they get scared real easily like my friend Penny she’s Filipino she gets scared of everything you don’t have to do anything scary just walk around the corner [Applause] unannounced you scare me huh oh yeah hey Filipinos go through like 10 different scared facial expressions yeah one time I was at the mall at like orange julius or something and there’s a little Filipino lady working the register right and she went to hand me my receipt but it dropped so she goes just a receipt I got it yeah so we don’t want no kids and my husband and I we’re still real new right like we just got married last summer we had just moved in together so we’re still like figuring each other out right like our little things we do our little rules we have right like like for instance like my toothbrush right I like to be the only one that uses my toothbrush this guy I don’t know how he grew up like maybe they’re on a budget or [Music] something but like he come to me the other day he’s like hey babe can use your toothbrush real quick I said what like that’s the option for you like you’re thinking about it sick he’s like what just like kissing we kiss at the same thing I do not scrape off your tartar with my tongue I mean I know I’m pretty amazing but I’m almost positive I cannot prevent C ities my husband likes to leave his shoes right in the middle of a walkway like as soon as you open the door boom shoes now you couldn’t kick them off to the side that was hard to do so all throughout the house I just trip over shoes like o sry [Music] dog and we’re still real new so like I still try to look cute when I [Music] sleep I’ll probably grow out of that one real quick but right now I still try to look cute right but it’s kind of hard because I sleep with Invisalign trays in my mouth so sometimes when I wake up my lip will get stuck to the plastic tray I wake up looking like Fire Marshal Bill like for on let me show you sh face will be all greasy that’s not cute so when I feel myself starting to wake up like I’ll fix my lip real quick I put grease on my lip like it’s [Music] gloss make it work make it work and we’re pretty good with decision making right like he’ll come to me with stuff I’ll come to him with stuff like teamwork you know but every now and then he’ll try to go off and do his own thing like uh recently we just bought some curtains for the house and I told him I said when you’re at the store take a picture of them and send it to me before you buy it right but he forgot that part so I came home to these Gody Armenian curtains hanging in my house that are like 2 feet too short I got high water curtains like first thing my brother came over the house he’s like uh why you got Capri pant curtains my husband and I travel a lot for work he travels with music I travel with j F and sometimes we go to like some small town like nobody has ever heard of this town like these people haven’t even heard of the own town when you fly to a small town you have to fly on a small plane and uh I went to a town recently where the plane I was on I don’t even think it had an engine I’m pretty sure it was a paper plane like it just had two propellers out front like as you step onto the plane you had to take turns spin in the propeller like it’s the prices right I check my seat assignment it said [Music] shotgun they had one flight attendant she was wearing regular clothes and a name tag like real suspicious and I fly a lot so I’m used to the way things work on an airplane right I’m used to the announcements they make like flight attendants prepare for landing I’m used to hearing that kind of stuff right but on this plane we got a different announcement it sounded more like Stephanie we’re coming in Stephanie what’s this a family on plane Stephanie if you have any more of that potato salad you made for the church picnic last week he bring it on up to the cockpit thank you potato silent I don’t feel SI one of my cousins in Hawaii he tried to teach me how to surf right but see surfing and I do not go hand in hand because when I get in the ocean I only go up to about right here so if we could catch a wave in this level let’s do this right cuz this is how I’m thinking like God forbid I need to be rescued for some reason I want to be as simple as one two gotcha right like that’s it this as deep as I go right here you know what I’m saying like I’ll dunk like real quick [Applause] like I didn’t even know there was multiple kinds of Surfing like my cousin he does kite surfing regular surfing all kind of Surfing I have come to realize there are two kind of people in Hawaii the kind that Surf and Japanese people I don’t know if you ever been but I got off the plane a little confused I sure did I was like uh Mr pilot think we better round everybody up when a little too far and these are the kind of Japanese people with money right like they wear all the name designer Brands all at the same time that’s all this one girl wearing some Gucci sandals a Prada shirt a Louis Vuitton bag and like a Ed Hardy blinged out hat all the name designers don’t none of them match R how this girl get dressed in the morning she must have walked in her closet closed her eyes and was like what to rare today Tada or it’s probably like [Applause] Terra after Hawaii we went to an island called Guam and yeah all right tomorrow in the building hey I see you yeah I love that Island it was beautiful I had a great time on that island my only complaint is I got bit by a fish didn’t even know that was possible when I’m not traveling around telling jokes I do live in Los Angeles doing some acting stuff thank you uh if any of you have kids you might have seen the movie in the Chipmunks the squeel yes uh for those of you that have not seen the movie I’m actually in that one that’s why I brought it up I don’t just give random chipmunk shoutouts I’m really popular with three-year-olds they’re kind of a demographic wish they could buy tickets to my shows I met the most adorable fan recently she was four years old at the mall with her mom and she was really Brave she walked right up to me and she goes I saw you in a chipmunks said you did and she goes do you see me sitting on my bed yeah it was the cutest thing I had ever heard but I didn’t know how to respond to that I was like Oh shoot what do I do tell her the truth and Crush her dreams so I was looking to her mom like uh what do I do tell her truth or tell her a lie what do you say and her mom’s like well did you anybody here see the movie Our Family Wedding uh for those of you that did not see the movie I’m in that one too yeah okay I’ll tell you the preview okay and then you’ll think about it you go oh yeah I remember seeing that preview I just didn’t take it a step further our family wedding is basically the story of the Mexican family and the black family marry into each other and all the crazy things that happen when the two cultures Collide we had a really great cast we had America Ferrera play her sister Carlos man played our dad uh we have Forest Whitaker Regina King Lance Gross Lup on tretas the woman that kills Selena in the movie [Music] Selena [Applause] yeah she play my grandma I didn’t know how I felt about it at first either I had to remind myself it’s just acting she didn’t really do [Music] [Applause] it don’t look her in the [Music] eye and don’t turn your back she’s actually a really nice lady but uh I had them move my trailer away from hers just in case we had a half Latino cast and a half black cast right we did what’s called a press junket they said one day where all these different TV shows come and they interview you to promote the movie that you’re in right so they’re like okay Latino cast you guys can do all the Spanish interviews I was like Oh okay that’s cool um I don’t speak Spanish my last name is Johnson might as well put me in the black interview oh no no no it’s okay it’s fine it’s fine it’s fine we’ll just do it like this we’ll have the interviewer ask the question in Spanish to the camera then he’ll ask it in English to you and we’ll just cut that part out like a Spanish voice over you that was their solution to do interviews all day like a kung fu movie every now and then they would give me something in Spanish to say to the camera like Angela Johnson family wedding and like I would sound good right like I knew what I was talking about so at one point this interview guy was like you could do the interview on [Music] Spanish uh no no I can’t I mean I can say that cuz you just told me how to say it but I’m not going to understand you so this will go nowhere let’s just try let’s just try I’ve been trying since I was 12 the first question he asked me this is what it sounded like to me uh Carlos man family [Applause] waiting and this is my response to him okay let’s do English let’s do English yeah B English that’s what I said I’m only on level two of my Rosetta Stone desio and when I was in New York I met this guy that I’m pretty sure hates women or he’s just mad at us right now cuz like he came up to me out of the blue and was like uh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah no offense but I don’t think female comedians are funny I was like oh I was like oh um okay that’s cool you do you homie and I think he got mad that I didn’t get mad cuz then he went on to say yeah cuz like even when I’m playing video games I don’t pick none the girl characters cuz they just not as good I’m pretty sure we’re not even talking about standup comedy anymore and like I’m not a big gamer you know I don’t own any of the consoles like I had the old original Nintendo back in the day right when all you needed was up down left right AB star select you know what I’m saying like I learn how to duck hunt and I would cheat too walk right up to the screen like boom bo bo well who going to stop me if that little dog would laugh at me I shoot him too bum I was running track on that little mat thing that came with it remember that little mat doing hurdles that’s where I got my training if something was broke all I had to do to fix it was blow on it [Music] boom [Applause] fix ladies ever wake up in the morning and uh you do your hair and your makeup and then you look in the mirror and you’re like H that’s not what I meant to do you know I mean like your hair came out wrong you did your makeup all weird for some reason you’re like since when do I wear pink eyeshadow and glitter at 10:00 a.m. you try to fix it by putting more and more makeup on your face so by the end you just look like a drag queen or one of the girls that works at MAC makeup and you’re running late to work so you can’t take it all off and start over you’re like oh well I guess I’m going to work as Lady Gaga today like whatever I born this way my favorite Taco spot is right in the middle of South Central and one night I was driving home and I was like you know what I want a taco I know it’s late and it’s dark but I’m a grown adult and I want a taco so I start driving to this Taco spot well aware that this could be my last meal but these tacos are good and this isn’t your normal walk up to the window order your food kind of place all of the windows are bulletproof you have to push a button to buzz the door open to get inside you order your food through a glass window they put it on a tray and push it out to you it’s like you’re in prison but you don’t know if you’re the guard or the prisoner so I’m walking up right I see this one mean looking Thug sitting out front like he looked mean he had a scar from here to here he was wearing a wife beater some sweats and some house shoes you know those corduroy house shoes this fo had his house shoes on in the outside the house so I’m walking up right I see this guy he looks at me then he looks at my car and then back to me and then back to my car I’m like oh no he’s going to rob me Jesus I just wanted to Taco so I get all scared right I’m like ah shoot what do I do what do I do I can’t just stop run back to my car and leave that’s racist I’m like shoot just act tough right just act T so I put my shoulders back I’m like yeah what’s up homie put a little stank face on it he goes He hey what’s up blue shirt hey you think you hook it up with a chicken taco right quick oh he just wants to Taco thingy Jesus so I’m like yeah dude I’ll get you a taco that’s no problem that is is no problem so I push the button Buzz the door open to get inside this dude comes walking in right behind me like breathing down my neck I said oh he tricked me he tricked me he said he just want Taco he going to rob us that’s my bad that’s my bad he’s like hey you could tell him put some sour cream on it like woo he just getting picky that’s all my [Music] bad so this guy goes and finds himself a nice little table at the restaurant I walk up to the window and I’m like okay look I don’t know this fool but he asked me to give him a taco so I’mma give him a taco cuz I’m scared but if I give you the sign [Music] that means call the [Applause] cops
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