Brittany Schmitt's HORNY | Stand Up Comedy Special

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[Music] and now it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for live from the Roosevelt Hotel Make some noise for Britney Schmid what’s up Los [Applause] [Music] Angeles okay sit down I uh wow you guys are very obedient I uh just celebrated an anniversary recently I I am one year sober that is how I opened my first special also so I relapsed but don’t worry I just smoked pot and did mushrooms and iasa so it was it was all plant-based I do call it my vegan relapse um uh but I did have to get sober again and it’s a miracle I ever got sober in the first place because I am from Wisconsin and they just did a survey of the 50 drunkest counties in all of the United States and 41 of them are in Wisconsin the map was colorcoded it was red if you were one of the drunkest counties and blue if you weren’t so Wisconsin was just red and then there was a blue spot in the middle and I was like oh my God I didn’t know that we had a sober County so I zoomed in and uh it was a lake so but people are very close-minded where I’m from uh where am I from exactly my house uh my dad was a little homophobic when I was growing up and by that I mean he was homophobic and he told me he was like Britney homophobia saved my life and I was like I’m going to need more information he said he was at a bar and a guy came up to him and grabbed his ass and instead of him being open to his sexual Journey he punched him in the throat and then two weeks later my dad’s friends called him and they were like Charlie turn on the TV the guy you punched in the throat is on TV and my dad turned on the TV and it was Jeffrey dmer maybe that’s not a joke maybe that’s just a story about how my dad’s cooler than your dad and he’s out there doing the Lord’s work like we know Jeffy for his 17 kills but we don’t know how many rednecks cold cocked them in the [ __ ] neck so after my dad told me that story I was like Dad what were you doing in a gay bar I was like now might not be the time for me to tell you this but I am bisexual and then he punched me in the throat that’s how my Thanksgiving went I love my dad but he is an imperfect man he also gets drunk and says the nword you hear that that’s white guilt I I told him I was like Dad you got to stop that and he didn’t so now every time he says the n-word I just [ __ ] a black guy it’s my Grassroots effort to reverse his racism reverse cowgirl his racism I call it Community cervix was difficult to do as a 10-year-old but getting easier with time my husband and I we had an open marriage because we wanted everybody to know it was [Laughter] ending my ex had me in hospice that is where hoes go to die don’t worry I got out you know your marriage is in trouble when you start really cheering for a mistress I was like I just want want someone to [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of you and he was like you could do that and I was like think my time here is done I just started interviewing nannies he’s like but we don’t have kids I’m like we all know what nannies are for you know but being married to a man is tough cuz Ben don’t know how to cheer women up at all like I was on a heated call and my ex he popped his head in the room and then he left which means he thought about this and he came back and he put his balls on my shoulder I was like what the [ __ ] are you doing and then he looked at me like I was the [ __ ] and I was like I’m on a zoom call you don’t want to be in a relationship I could end it there but you don’t want to be in a relationship with somebody who doesn’t believe in you for real and my ex didn’t believe in me not with the important stuff like he didn’t think he didn’t think I could [ __ ] Drake and I can tell by some of your silence that you also don’t think I could [ __ ] Dr think if I could find him I could [ __ ] him you know like I’m not not saying he’ll write a song about me I am not saying that I won’t be escorted off of the property afterwards but I do think I could be Drake’s mistake you know like I don’t know if you guys saw the Tiger Woods documentary but he got so sick of [ __ ] a supermodel that he went into a Perkins and started [ __ ] the hostess so I feel like I could be Drake’s Denny’s [ __ ] you know he goes in hungry and I give him a grand slam that’s anal after I got divorced I texted this guy in the NBA that I used to hook up with and I was like yo I’m single again you want to blow my back out and he said nah I said cool do you have Drake’s number and he was like you’re like 20 years too old for Drake I was like I am 34 and he was like exactly when you’re a married woman and you get divorced you realize you have no male friends for real like I thought I had a bunch of male friends but you’ve just got [ __ ] waiting in the wings okay like I have this guy in my life that I talk to three times a week he calls me his little sister the second I told him I was getting divorced he’s like so we [ __ ] or what I was like you call me your little sister and he’s like I’m from the south so I [ __ ] my brother I’m just kidding I got on I got on dating apps which are a [ __ ] haunted house like guys will put up pictures of them and like three other people and I’m like well I wouldn’t [ __ ] any of these people and my friend took the phone from me and she’s like well these are his [Laughter] kids we live in Hollywood baby the most eligible bachelors are children when a guy in La says he’s looking for a N9 or a 10 he does mean you’re old oh no guys will ask very stupid questions on dates too I had a guy the other day ask me for my body count and for those of you who don’t know what that is it’s how many people you’ve slept with and I was like Ballpark and he was like sure Ballpark and I was like no you could fill a [Applause] ballpark Yankee Stadium I got on another dating app called field and this app was positioned to me by my friend she it’s a sex positive Kink app and my friend told me it was the most honest dating experience she’s ever had because because guys just put what they’re into in the bedroom on their profile there’s no hidden agenda so I got on field and what I learned very quickly is that I love a hidden [Laughter] agenda hide your agendas you sick freaks I got on there thinking I’m a pretty freaky girl and as I started scrolling I was like I might be a virgin I don’t know if I’ve had sex for real like the first guy I matched with he was submissive and I didn’t know what that meant so I was like what are you into and he sent me an illustration of a woman fisting a man and for the first time in my life I was like could you warm me up with a dickpic this is insane behavior and then the next guy I matched with he was dominant and I was like what are you into and he’s like I want to hit you so hard you go back into your mom I was like well that’s just going to be me flying into a pile of Ashes hopefully you’re into Santa falling down the chimney cuz that [ __ ] is dead he unmatched me and I will say this I was out of the game for 8 years and I feel like dating now is like interviewing to work at Google there are so many rounds right like there’s like FaceTime FaceTime FaceTime in person in person and then right when you think you got the job some diversity candidate just comes in it’s like some Puerto Rican chick I’d also rather be [ __ ] but the third guy that I matched with on field he insisted that we FaceTime so I was like fine whatever we get on FaceTime and he’s like I’m switch and I was like I’m Britney and he’s like no I’m I’m switch which means sometimes I’m dominant and sometimes I’m submissive so sometimes I’m going to want to chain you up and whip you and sometimes I’m going to need you to Peg me and I was like call me oldfashioned but what happened to like what kind of music do you listen to I was like okay let’s break this down and start with the pegging obviously and he was like my ex-wife was sexually suppressive so she refused to Peg me I was like you poor thing could I have her number feel like we’re more on the same page so he’s like what I would have to do is I would put an ad up on Craigslist and I would have a transwoman [ __ ] me in the bathroom of a Ralph’s and I was like which Ralph’s so I can never shop there again and then the chaining up and the whipping I’m like do you know how much I would have to trust somebody to let them chain me up like not very much but but you’ve got to be loaded you know like billionaire with a bee and then I don’t care if you chain me to your private jet put me on the propeller I will go out in style but we’re on FaceTime and I see his place and I’m like is that a white [Laughter] fridge are you a renter are you going to chain me to the fridge and then I’m on the hook for rent next month what am I submitting to here poverty no thank you so I got off the apps and I went and I found some dick in the wild and I found a 22-year-old and I am 12 years older than him and that is brave to admit in this town because it’s frowned upon um not [ __ ] kids that’s fine but being over the age of 30 but he did something that I will never forget when we were hooking up he started circling my labia like an old man polishing his glasses I was waiting for him to be like he was just going around the perimeter doing nothing like cops at a school shooting my God and a lot of guys get quiet during that joke because you’re learning for the first time that’s not a move that’s not a move like most guys don’t know there’s three ways to make us come which is clitoral stimulation penetration and then leaving the [ __ ] room and giving us our vibrator back we don’t need jaill for real but I was thinking about it I was like I could tell him that he’s doing this wrong and change my life right now and everybody’s life who comes after me but I was like nah I’m not going to cuz women we never say anything but men would never let you [ __ ] up like women if you think back to the first time you gave head and you heard it was a [ __ ] and you’re down there [Laughter] like he’s like you don’t actually blow on it and I’m like okay I’ll get it better next time Uncle Ted I started hooking up with a white guy bummer no his Kink was that I used to [ __ ] black guys so he’s like sometimes when we’re hooking up I’m thinking about how you used to [ __ ] black guys I was like well that makes two of us so I told him I was like why don’t you [ __ ] me like a black guy and he just left his socks on that’s a great joke not enough of you have [ __ ] black guys I dug another guy out of the recyc and uh he came over with a Magnum condom and he doesn’t have a magnum dick and I’m not siid shaming but it’s just like bring the right tool for the job cuz when you put it on it looked like a pickle in a produce [Laughter] bag and I got on top and it fell off immediately and he was like oh you’re just so tight girl which I love to hear cuz I have been doing my my keegle exercises or as I call them my push-ups but it’s not a Chinese finger trap you know so he put another one on and then again it just he looked like a kid in his dad’s trench coat just like I’m ready to go to work I’m like you’re never going to be ready I feel like sometimes you don’t know a deal breaker until it’s staring you right in the face like before I was married I used to up with this guy in the NBA and he came over and he took his shirt off and he had a tattoo of an old woman on his abdomen and I was like who is joining us and he was like that’s my nana and as I mounted him I was like I feel like you didn’t really think this one through you know Nana can see me she’s got her glasses on so he just put a pillow over Nana and I was like I’m too competitive for three sums and then the next time he came over he had a tattoo of a man on his chest and I was like who is that and he’s like that’s my dad and I was like well my first gang bang cannot be with your entire family so you got to get the [ __ ] out and then after I wrote that joke my friend was like hey Britney have you ever Googled NBA players with tattoos of their grandma on their stomach and I was like no why would that even be something you could Google and she’s like he is the only one that comes up so enjoy that Google search [Music] tonight I think relationships are hard in general but they’re definitely harder when the other person doesn’t know you’re in one like I thought I was dating this guy and I should have known that I wasn’t cuz he did something insane in the bedroom he wore a condom [Laughter] and pulled out I was like I feel like you don’t trust me was after I told him I was like I’m clean I have an IUD in you’re the only person I’m [ __ ] tonight maybe and I don’t know if you guys know this about contraception but iuds are 99.9% effective at preventing pregnancy and condoms are 98% effective at preventing either of us from enjoying it like for the first time in my life I felt like I understood frat guys you know I was like take the condom off you [ __ ] [ __ ] I can’t feel anything I just like smashed a Natty like on my head I feel like guys think that we really want to trap them like we really want to have your babies and I just want to tell you from the bottom of my [ __ ] that we don’t like I don’t think you know what we’re doing to our bodies to not have your kids but right now I have an IUD in and if you don’t know what an IUD is do you know what a Tesla logo is can you imagine putting one of those inside of you it was malfunctioning the other day and it felt like a cat falling down curtains and my guyo was like I could pull it out and I was like you leave that thing in there it’s going to be like a Humvee after Desert Storm when it gets out like a flag after the war we lost a lot of good men out there condom King had a bunch of other girlfriends and they all got sent to me on Instagram and they were all very young and very beautiful and it was a moment of Reckoning for me cuz I was like oh no I’m the old [ __ ] like I’m the one that he likes for my personality kill me but I was just thinking about those girls getting sent my profile and seeing me and they’re probably just like oh she’s so old I bet her [ __ ] smells like old books where’s a monacle it’s like Mr Peanut my [ __ ] is a lot like Mr Peanut it is a little salty and it has been chewed up and spit out by some of your favorite [Laughter] athletes condom gang was a mama’s boy and I have a theory that Mama’s Boys are the worst cheaters because they act like they respect women but they don’t they just respect one woman and it’s their mom and they go through life trying to assist assemble her with a bunch of different [ __ ] you know they’re playing like build-a [ __ ] they’re like this one wears pazley this one goes to church on Sunday this one lets me suck on her titties I’m like I’m the one that’s going to [ __ ] your dad I am getting older though I do have a really hard time sleeping now and I was talking to my friend about that and she was like you need to take magnesium it make you sleep like a baby so I Googled magnesium and magnesium is a supplement that makes you sleep and [ __ ] which feels like something you don’t want the same pill doing you know I was like when you say sleep like a baby do you mean like in a pile of my own [ __ ] that’s what it feels like I do feel like everything changed in the eight years that I was out of the game though like even hooking up has changed like everyone’s eating at you are I see you like back in my day we used to be like and Frank about butt stuff like you did it quietly in an attic and journaled about it right before you died I do feel like ever since I’ve been single I’ve been weirdly attracted to autistic guys cuz I feel like they’re playing hard to get I’m like why won’t you make eye contact with me no it is dangerous being a single woman out there uh so I do carry pepper spray in my bag and I don’t know if you guys know this about pepper spray but if you spray it and the wind is in your face it just renders you more helpless so always rape with the window of [Laughter] back I am a people pleaser which means I’m really bad at saying no so I’ve never been raped I’m just kidding you guys this is a comedy show these are jokes I’ve obvious ly been raped a lot of you guys hated that joke uh but I promise you didn’t hate it as much as I hated getting raped so all right I guess I have to warn you this is the part of the show where it gets really dark so stop being [ __ ] [Applause] [ __ ] I was talking to my best friend from high school the other day and she told me that the person that bullied me the most when I was growing up died and I was like oh my God you didn’t think that I knew my mom died and she did kill herself and you guys not laughing at these jokes won’t bring her back to life so when she was alive she was never any fun but her final Act was a blast she would always start projects and not finish them so I do think when she killed herself we really Overlook the accomplishment of her finally sticking to her guns these jokes are for four of you the rest of you congrats on your nice childhood you guys are getting tight cuz you might be thinking about your mom dying who who could be a really nice lady but I am here to tell you that [ __ ] die too people came to my mom’s funeral and they’re like your mom was fierce I’m like Beyonce is fierce my mom was a [ __ ] why do you think I’m here on Zoom when you lose someone to Suicide you realize there are no great greeting cards for it so I want want to start a new card company called suicidal sympathies the slogan is going to be like the only way to get through the darkness is to make light of it and the cards are going to say stuff like this hang in [Laughter] there they went out with a bang slit happens a lot of you guys hate this but I think it’s a pretty killer [Laughter] idea I live in LA so I do woo woo [ __ ] I have a clairvoyant and he said your mom’s spirit is restless and she wants to come back down to earth so in three years you’re going to get pregnant and she’s going to reincarnate as your child and I was like okay so what I’m hearing you say is in 3 years I’m having an abortion yes she got her the first time I’m going to get her the second time you know I’m just Googling when does the soul enter the fetus got to hit her with a kill [Laughter] shot when I was young my mom was obsessed with being the hottest mom she had big fake tits and an eating disorder and she would send my sister and I to school with Slim Fast shakes in a brown paper bag as our lunch that was our whole lunch and then she had the audacity to get mad at me when I became an alcoholic I was like [ __ ] I’ve been training my whole life for this and anytime you tell anyone about any type of abuse they like to say it could have been worse and it could have been but I would have taken a right hook any day for a Lunchable the good news is my mom did finally reach her goal weight when she was [Laughter] cremated she wanted to be a hot mom you guys she is the hottest I have a guy who is removing my tattoos that is addicted to vicadin and just got into astrology and yeah it’s a lot and he told me he’s like I want to read your chart and I was like okay sure and I would imagine when you’re getting getting into astrology there’s a Code of Ethics that this guy blew past cuz he’s high on vicadin but I would imagine somewhere in that code of ethics it’s don’t immediately tell the person how they’re going to die he looked at my chart and he was like oh you are going to get murdered for your money I was like I’m sorry what I’m going to have money a murder amount of money and he’s like it doesn’t specify here it could be for like the $100 in your purse and I was like you need to go to rehab I don’t want kids and that’s really tough for my dad because there’s nothing he wants more than a grandchild you know he’s very pro- life and I’m very Pro my life which doesn’t include a kid and I think the pro-life logic is interesting because they think abortion is murder which is fine but by that logic are miscarriages suicide and I know I know a lot of you want me to kill that joke but I think there’s life there and when there’s life there’s hope I know I just said I don’t want kids but that doesn’t mean I don’t have any let me explain 2012 was a rough year I had no money and I needed a a car and I needed lasic so I donated my eggs and then once I got the money I could only afford one so I got a car which I crashed because I couldn’t see but I’d rather be Ray Charles in a Range Rover than me with 2020 at a bus stop there’s nothing more depressing than poverty and high death I keep in touch with one of the families that I donated to and she sent me a picture of the little girl yesterday and she was doing this in the picture and I was like put away your punet squares alcoholic [ __ ] is a dominant Jean so buckle up I did also just freeze my eggs and I don’t want kids but I do want a rich husband so I’m going to have to give him whatever he wants but there is a chance that I just become rich and then in 10 years I’m eating those eggs like caviar on a yacht it’s an interesting dichotomy being sober and being a comic because as a sober person I don’t want to cause anyone any harm I want you all to have a nice life but as a comic when you come for me I have a really hard time remembering I’m sober like I posted a clip online about my mom’s suicide which is triggering and a girl DM me and she said I hope your dad kills himself in front of you like mine did you dumb [ __ ] rot in hell and as a sober person I wanted to be like oh my God honey I’m so sorry you’re struggling I’m sending you [Laughter] love but the comic replied and I said I’ll sit on his face when I get down there all right I’ll leave you guys with this this is a cautionary tale about small talk on airplanes and why you definitely shouldn’t do that [ __ ] I was on a flight the other day and I had my headphones on which is the international sign for don’t [ __ ] talk to me the plane was taxiing and I was in the window there was an empty middle seat a miracle and then there was a guy in the aisle and the guy in the aisle tapped me on the shoulder and I was like this plane better be on fire and I took my headphones off and I I was like yeah and he said where you [Laughter] [Music] headed I said well uh we’re on an airplane so hopefully we’re both going to Los Angeles wasn’t planning on parachuting out over Denver and he said is La home and I’ve lived in La for 12 years I could have just said yes and that would have been that but I stupidly said no with Wisconsin is home and then his face lit up in a way that faces don’t light up about Wisconsin and he was like do you know Ryan brwn and for those of you who don’t know Ryan brwn he used to play for the Milwaukee Brewers and he got caught doing steroids and I was like yeah he got caught juicing and he gave half of Milwaukee herpes when I lived there and then his face dropped and he was like oh oh uh oh yeah um yeah he’s married to my daughter don’t start small talk on an airplane unless you’re ready to learn some really [ __ ] up [ __ ] all right Los Angeles you guys have been amazing I thank you so much [Music] [Music] w [Music] [Applause] [Music] Experience Freedom

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