Dusty Slay - Being Poor in the Trailer Parks [Full Set]

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I’m pumped to be here uh just pumped to be doing comedy I I used to work at the Home Depot I don’t know if you guys been there before but that’s a pretty sad place the slogan for Home Depot is you can do it we can help and it’s vague but I’m pretty sure they’re talking about suicide just saying that’s how I felt most of the time I spent spent a lot of time on the Rope AIS just was hanging out okay well I travel around a lot uh I stay at a lot of different hotels I don’t know I don’t always get the best hotels I was in this hotel recently and nothing worked the elevator didn’t work I finally got up to my room and the Wi-Fi didn’t work so I went back downstairs I was like Hey the Wi-Fi doesn’t work and he was like yeah it’s a little shaky uh but the network name is ramata N1 and that’s when I realized why it was shaky cuz we weren’t at a rata in I could see the rata N through the window people in there on their laptops having a good time he was like but it works real good down here in the lobby why don’t you just use it here in the lobby and I’m like well obviously you don’t know what I need Wi-Fi for you know what I mean okay I’m not working on a spreadsheet up there buddy I got stress I like to wave like this I do this a lot I like to wave like this at the end of a joke just let you know that joke’s over a lot of times you’ll know cuz you’ll be laughing other times I’ll have to give you one of these I like to read bad hotel reviews you know what I mean I read one the other day this guy was like this hotel room was so disgusting there was bugs in the bed blood in the carpet I felt like I was going to catch a dis ease and that continental breakfast was a joke I was like dude you stuck around for breakfast got to get out of there man he’s like I don’t want to sit on none of this stuff but let’s see what they got to eat around here I was in one hotel room and they had a sign inside the room that said not responsible for stolen items so I took some stuff you know what I mean I’m like I’m not responsible either I don’t even work here you know I mean I’ve been needing a lamp with some plugs on it tired of plugging my stuff into a wall at home get a lamp I can plug some stuff into hard to find a lamp with USB ports on it you know what I mean one hotel room had a list of all the things you could steal and how much it cost you know that way if you want to steal it they’ll just charge it to your account but they had an ironing board on there for like $20 I was like that seems like a pretty good deal like I don’t do a lot of iron and board shopping so I don’t know but $20 seems cheap right but also who’s bold enough to steal an irony board from a hotel you’re at checkout like now I had this when I came [Music] in yeah it looks a lot like yours but I always travel with an iron board good thing cuz there’s not one in that room I didn’t bring this I’d be wrinkled up right now I don’t even know how to iron you know what I mean I don’t know how it works I know what you do you know I know the process you know you plug it into the lamp and then you let it heat up just get hot wrinkles you get a little water in there and then you shoot it you know what I mean supposed to I don’t know what that it just makes it wet and and I try to dry that water you can heat that water up but it cools down pretty quick you know what I mean I got a new TV recently and uh not from my hotel from uh was a gift it been a long time since I upgraded and I wanted to get rid of the old one but I didn’t want to throw it away so I decided I would take it to Goodwill and I showed up at Goodwill with this old TV and the Goodwill guy was like nah he said we don’t take TVs like that anymore but they did take it later that night when they were closed just drop that thing right off I’m not getting rejected from Goodwill is what I’m telling you not today not any day that’s a gift you don’t turn down a gift I had a guy come up to me after a show one time real muscular guy and he was like that happened to me too he said the Goodwill guy came out say he said we don’t take those anymore he was like you won’t take it right now but you’ll take it tonight I was like well that’s a different approach I think if I work to go I’ll be like you know what I’ll just take it right now I’m not really sure what you mean but take it tonight I’ll just take it while the sun’s out [Music] so so I dropped it off I didn’t get my receipt though so won’t be able to claim that on my taxes that’ll be a tough year you ever do that you drop off a bag of clothes at Goodwill and they’re like you want a receipt for that I’m like nah don’t won’t proof I ever own these clothes it’s like you see what I’m wearing imagine what I’m giving away for free imagine what I’m too good for you know I like to get picture frames at Goodwill sometimes you get a good deal in there sometimes you can get pictures of other people’s family I don’t know how that happens people are like well I’m done with this Frame and this family yeah they mean a lot to me but not enough to bend a staple in the back don’t have that kind of time can’t be Bend IN Staples all day all right I heard this guy on the street the other day he was like this year I bought all my presents online well except for some of them and I was like well that’s why we invented the word most okay that’s a good joke and uh it’s a good joke we’re having a good time very good joke I like Goodwill I got this hat at Goodwill this hat changes me a lot of people don’t know that it changes me cuz you haven’t seen me without it on right but if I take this hat off you’re like oh man I bet that guy likes rock music right there if I put this hat on you’re like nah he’s got a rock collection I take this hat off you’re like man that guy looks like the lead singer from the rock band corn I put this hat on you’re like nah he grows corn that’s a corn farmer if I take this hat off you’re like man I bet that guy smokes weed right there if I put this hat on you’re like nah that guy definitely smokes weed you I mean this hat can’t change everything you know I mean it’s not a magic hat how many people thought my hair was attached to this hat a lot of people think that a lot of times people tell me I looked like Forest Gump after he ran for a long time that’s a good joke if it were 1995 and uh it’s still good it holds up it holds up I like to wear this hat when I want to go into a store and just browse you know cuz the salesman sees me coming in he’s like no no I know you’re just looking bathroom’s right over there just try to wash your hands in there okay we’re having a good time you think this hat changes me you should see me without this beard I shaved this beard one time this girl came up to me and she was like oh I liked you better with the beard which is the exact same thing as saying I don’t like the way your face looks I’ll see you in two months I’ll take that razor okay okay I went to I went to a flea market not too long ago I love a good flea market and uh thank you and uh I was in there and this lady had this great deal on DVDs right and I love DVDs she had three DVDs for $5 and that’s a good deal so I was like I’m going to go ahead and get six of these that way I get 6 for 10 you know three for five two times pretty easy but I went up to this lady and I was like hey I’d like to get these DVDs she goes how many you got there I said six she said you know it’s three for five right I was like yeah 6 for 10 she goes where well I guess I was like now this is your deal it’s just three for five two times so I figure it’s settled right I figure hey getting it for 10 bucks but then I hear her back there doing math she’s go she’s going they she close her eyes she goes all right that’ll be $15 I was like listen I’m not even trying to bargain with you right now this is your deal it’s just three for five two times if you want I’ll buy these three and then I’ll take off this hat and I’ll buy these other three and and that worked she didn’t know how that second guy got there but uh she sold him some DVDs you know what I mean okay when you hang out with a lot of broke people all the time like I do uh everything’s always fancy to them you know like the other day I was hanging out with my mom and um we were out to dinner and uh she was like oh this is so fancy and I was like Mom it’s Olive Garden of course it’s fancy that’s a good joke and uh you don’t think it’s going to be a good joke and then you’re like oh you know what that is a good joke and uh it’s a good deal it’s your deal okay I used to wait tables I worked at a seafood restaurant in Charleston South Carolina seafood restaurant called Hyman’s that’s right is located on the same block as a restaurant called Sticky Fingers that’s true just telling you where it’s at and not everyone knows what a Heyman is and that’s okay I didn’t know what it was for a long time but if you don’t know just’s go home tonight look that up enjoy that joke on your own time I mean just saying it’s a tight joke and uh okay that is too far and I’m sorry about it just don’t forget we’re having a good time there’ll be there’ll be times when you’re like I’m not sure if we’re having a good time anymore but I’ll be here to let you know but I used to work there and it’s owned by a family with the last name Hyman and I was working in there one day and this lady said to me she goes oh are you one of the Hyman I was like yeah cuz they named me Dusty Hyman I mean I’m the oldest one and uh no one will touch me a lot of people would come in there and they would close the menu and they’d go what’s good I’m like well open this back huh it’s all inside here call this the food menu and uh we like to think it’s all good A lot of people like to pair up wines with food you know and that’s cool but sometimes they do it in weird situations like I had this guy go what kind of wi do you recommend with the fried catfish I was like I don’t know Budweiser or people come in there and they they’ll be in a real big hurry they’re like can we be in and out of here in 30 minutes I’m like hell you can leave right now don’t let me hold you up got stuff to do I hear you some people think they’re tricking you you know they’re like let me get a large glass of water lot of lemons a lot of sugar I’m like you know we sell lemonade right I’m watching you I see what you’re doing get a lot of tourists in there and that’s cool but they ask a lot of weird questions you know they’re always like what’s something non-touristy we can do which I think is a weird question cuz you’re on vacation you should do touristy things but they’re like what’s something non-touristy we we do I’m like I don’t know you can get in your car and go home you know what I mean that’s the most non-touristic thing you can do you can buy a house you know what I mean just move on in they’re like well we want to do something the locals do what’s something the locals do and I’m like well I’m local right now I’m at work guess I can get you a job hell you can take my shift do something the tourists do there’s a lot of words you got to be careful using you know the other day I was like obituary is one of those words the other day I was on the street and I said that and this lady was like would you call me I was like you ain’t nothing but the obituary I heard this guy the other day he was was like he’s like man I live so close to that bar it ain’t even funny I thought why would that be funny he said it’s so cold outside right now it ain’t even funny and I thought has there ever been an appropriate temperature where you go outside and it’s just hilarious you’re like woo I had to come back in Catch My Breath it’s just too funny out there right now I was going to go to the store get us some snacks I can’t do it right now [Applause] better wait till it cools down or heats up one of the two but temperature it’s at right now is just getting me right in here doof onny the summertime we have what they call the heat index you know that’s why the weatherman comes on TV and he says looks like it’s going to be 80 degrees tomorrow but it’s going to feel like a 100 because of the heat index and I’m like man that’s pretty convenient wish I could use that for things in my life you know what I mean like if I’m going to take a girl out on a date and we get back to my car and I’m like listen I know it looks like I drive a 1992 Ford Tempo going to feel like a Ferrari I mean cuz of the heat index well if we’re out we’re having some drinks I’m like listen I know it looks like I’m trying to get you drunk but it’s going to feel like we’re getting to know each other doesn’t a heat index or if we get back to my place I’m like listen I know it looks like I live in a trailer it’s going to feel like a double wide you know what I mean cuz of the heat index plus we just got that one window unit so it’s it’s going to be hot in there don’t be warm toasty I don’t know where my credit scores at these days I don’t know a lot about credit scores you know I’ve been seeing a lot of commercials for checking your credit score these commercials act like you can fix all your problems by just checking your credit score they say thing they don’t give you no other instructions you know they just want you to check it they say things like you don’t want to live with your parents forever do you or you better check that credit score but it’s like if you check it and it’s bad it’s still bad like checking don’t help like I’d like to see this play out in a bank somewhere right like some guy comes in to get a loan and the Banker’s there and he’s like well Jim you credit score is terrible but I see here that you’ve been checking it a lot we appreciate that so here’s a house every one of those credit score commercials the people the people on the TV uh they never heard a check in their credit score they have no idea right they they never heard of a credit score they pull out their phone check it great credit it’s like wow amazing I want to see a real credit score commercial when the guy pulls out his phone he’s like what 170 is that good then someone comes in and takes his phone put a little fear behind check in your credit score you know what I mean all right she said roll Tide you can’t get that going in a comedy club you know what I mean I grew up in Alabama you know where I come from you’re either an Alabama fan or you went to college right all right okay okay all right we’re having a good time but uh but I didn’t go to college so roll time you know what I mean okay that jokes for everyone and uh that jokes for everyone and we’re having a good time I grew up in a trailer park uh which wasn’t that fun so not sure why they call it a park you know what I mean there wasn’t no rides in there no water slides we had like an occasional slipping slide or like a old tarp with some Dawn dish detergent on it we put our sliping slide over a tree root one time yeah cuz we was going to jump it that’s not how that works at all I hit that true I I’m got a job I was like I am done playing out here I’m done playing period I got medical bills now we never went camping growing up cuz like I say I grew up in a trailer and uh we felt like we had a pretty good idea what camp was all about I mean we’re like n we already kind of live in a camper we don’t really need to take it down to a tent like we know what it’s like to be poor we’re not trying to find out what it means to be homeless we’re not trying to practice homelessness know I mean I used to hear this expression a lot growing up people say that kind of money you ever hear that that kind of money you might hear it in conversation they go what you hear about Bob yeah I heard he got a new boat man I wish I had that kind of money like it’s a different kind nothing to do with the amount you know I mean he’s got kind of money since his kids to college I only got kind to get mine out of jail that kind of money there is a lot lot of different kinds of money out there like when I was a kid uh you know like there’s like uh like old money new money blood Money drug money we didn’t have any of that what we had was good money right right good money that’s where your parents buy you something you don’t like they go we paid good money for [Applause] them good money buys the worst stuff too it’s never anything good good money buys like airbrush t-shirts with your name on it from Gatlinburg Tennessee Dollywood you know what I mean I had a lot of t-shirts with wolves on it growing up my mom thought I’d look good in a wolf t-shirt she was like the more wolves the better put them all over that thing maybe put a little moon on there get that wolf something to how at I had a hat growing up just having my name airbrushed across a dop just said Dusty that’s just so I wouldn’t get kidnapped kidnapper sees that hat he’s like nah his family ain’t got no money just give him the candy yeah just let him have he probably ain’t had candy in a long time I’m out there trying to get in the van they’re like no we are kidnappers I’m like I know I’m a kid trying to get napped up in here had this trailer park for a while thing that was the most fun for me about living in a trailer park was tornadoes right cuz I got to leave I had to got to go to a real house for a little while I love going to a real house I’d be like man look at all these bricks in here only time I ever seen a bricks when it came through my window with a note on it said cut your grass that’s how they do it in the mobile homeowners association mobile homeowners association sometimes I say that twice because it’s a good joke that is fun mobile homeowners association you know what I mean right good time one December we had a tornado warning and uh I was listening to the radio and they were telling us what to do during this tornado warning based on what kind of house you live in right they were like if you live in a house with a basement go into the basement if you live in a house without a basement going to a bathroom or a small room and they were like if you live in a trailer park we want you to go to a neighbor’s house or go outside and lay down in the ditch [Applause] that’s the real news they’re like listen we don’t know what to tell [Applause] you hell you made some bad decisions along the way you got to deal with this they’re like we can’t help you yeah you should have checked that credit score a couple of times you might not be in this mess now like yeah I know it’s raining out there and that ditch is going to be full of water just get down in it yeah it’s December it’s going to be cold you probably going to get sick just get down in there I like that they think that there’s a ditch located next to every trailer park like it just comes with it you know part of the trailer park amenities every trailer park gets her own tornado ditch I like that the other option they give you was to go to a neighbor’s house right cuz I don’t know what kind of trailer parks they know about but trailer park that I grew up in my neighbor also lived in a [Applause] trailer it’s like they just want us to meet up in one maybe weigh it down tornado can’t carry it off you [Music] know and if we did have house neighbors you know they’re not just so welcoming to the trailer part people they’re not like no come on in come on in check out our stuff we have in here know I mean have people that want you to take your shoes off before you come inside you know what I mean I hate that show up at somebody’s house they’re like hey come on in you mind taking off your shoes I’m like nah just go home like I wish You’ told me that on the phone I wouldn’t even come over here me lounging around in my socks like we about to do yoga in here they’re like Namaste I’m like nah I’m on leave I feel like when people ask me to take my shoes off before I come inside it’s like they’re saying hey our house is cleaner than you try not to mess it up in here matter of fact take off the rest of your clothes jump in the shower give me some time to put a sheet down on the couch they’re right though most houses are too clean for me you know that’s not how I was raised you know I was raised in a dirty house we had a type of house where people show up and they try to take their shoes off we’re like Noah no no now you better keep those on in here you get hurt walking around in here barefooted broken glass fish hooks now we weren’t real poor growing up we just didn’t have everything you know like I never got ice cream growing up that’s true my mom used to just poor milk into a bowl and she’d call me into the room and go whip you’re too late he’s like I guess you come next time I call you out there laying down in the ditch messing up that new wolf shirt I got you out there need good money for that J you know what I mean okay thank you one got clapped for that and I appreciate that and uh oh now we got it picked up another and uh they’re mounting now we never went to the ditch of my family we always went to my grandmother’s house we went to her house for tornadoes and sometimes just for visits and and I never like going cuz my grandma was real mean and she didn’t have an air conditioner you know so we’d just be real hot and scared all the time and my grandma just sat there crochet Afghans all day I don’t know if you guys know what an Afghan is but it’s like a blanket with holes in it serves no real purpose in case you want to stay hot and cool all at the same time in case you want to cover up but still catch a breeze no need to trap in all that heat sort of like covering up with a net like a real itchy net one day I was down there this is Alabama one day I was down there and I was sweating and and uh I fell asleep or passed out and uh when I woke up I could see into my grandmother’s bedroom and she was changing yeah saw my grandma’s boobs guys I freaked out I couldn’t look away this is Alabama couldn’t look away but freaked out right so I did the only thing I could do grabbed a blanket through over my head turns out wasn’t a blanket was an Afghan as I could see right through now it’s worse now looks like I’m trying to catch a [Applause] pig I’m like let me see them boobs Grandma you can’t see me I’m a [Applause] ghost first boobs ever saw that’s true that’s true kind of changes things for you kind of makes you more of an ass man I’m like if they all look like that I’m just not that into it be honest with you I heard about them but uh that wasn’t what I was thinking at all the worst thing for me about growing up in a trailer the worst thing cuz I had a good time in there we had a good time the worst thing was having to write my address down on anything in elementary school right cuz I didn’t become the poor kid till I had to write Lot 8 Moore’s trailer park down on my school paperwork all the other kids are like Dusty you live in a trailer I’m like I don’t know why you’re so surprised I mean my first name is Dusty and every day I come to school when a NASCAR t-shirt and my backpack’s from the maror catalog that’s right my parents finally smoked enough for me to start carrying some books that’s right that’s how we did our Christmas shopping you know my mom handed me a maror catalog I circled what I wanted she started smoking he’s like I’ll get it I’ll get it I’ll get it my parents did do a lot of smoking though they type people that smoke with the windows rolled up in the car you know I mean they didn’t even think about it you know what I mean get mad at me when I’d ask to crack a window I’ll be down in the floorboard trying to catch a breath they’re like get up before we wreck get back in your car seat just kidding never had a car seat maror didn’t make one of those like just lay down back there we get pulled over put this blanket on over here hell it’s Afghan you can see I would like to see a marro brand car seat though I think that’d be fun you know instead of a little cup holder just got a little ashtray comes a little pacifier and just put a cigarette right in you know for the baby babies got a lot going on they got a lot of stress a lot going on they got teeth coming out teeth coming in that’s a lot to deal with teething we never had the Tooth Fairy grown up we had the opposite of the tooth fairy we just had a guy that would come in steal your money and leave teeth that’s a good joke and uh we always recycled stuff like that I think we invented recycling trailer park people I think we invented recycling you know we the first people to take a old truck bed turned into a trailer first people take old bed sheet turned into a door you know first people to take old coffee can turn it into a bank account you know what I mean you bury it in the backyard savings account find out where your neighbor buried his free checking you know what I mean that’s true saving up to get drugs joint checking you know what I mean that’s a fun joke I wore a lot of I wore a lot of NASCAR t-shirts growing up there’s nothing wrong with wearing a NASCAR t-shirt but I wore way more than the average person you know in fact anytime I had to dress dress nice my mom would just put me in my newest NASCAR T-shirt i’ be like this ain’t that nice she’s like I know tuck it in you know what I mean that changes everything go from working on the car to church just by tucking it in my dad still does that he tucks his shirts in tight too real tight he make a v-neck out of a turtleneck got t-shirt coming out the bottom of his jeans seeing chest hair through the shirt that’s tight TI my dad’s a big University of Alabama fan right and he tucks his shirt in so tight all you see is University like he’s just for college he’s not for college though he’s not into it I never went to college I said that earlier but I never went uh I didn’t go because I had to pay for it and uh I always figured that 18 years old if I had enough money to pay for college I was probably doing all right already you know what I mean I also don’t feel like we need college for everything you know like if you’re going to be a doctor lawyer probably a good idea if you go to college you know what I mean but I didn’t want to be those things and I didn’t know what I wanted to do but I figure we don’t need it for everything you know building roads building houses we’ll figure it out you know what I mean Abraham Lincoln built a house he go to college I don’t know [Applause] not even sure he built a house I’ll be honest with you that’s just what people tell me I don’t know and they name the logs after him so that’s got to mean something you know what I mean yeah I didn’t like school I didn’t like handwriting you know what I mean you print for a while and then they try to make you write incursive I I always hated that like by the time I’m perfecting print they want to slip in cursive on me you know like it’s like it’s the evolution of print you know that’s not what it is cursive is like Prince’s weird cousin that likes touching way too much okay we’re having a good time and um I never like reading this why I don’t like to read though when I was a k little kid there was this TV show called Reading Rainbow you guys remember that show they had a host on there I had a host a guy named laar Burton trying to get everybody to read books all the time then he showed up on Star Trek blind that’s what reading does that’s why I don’t get into it I feel like I’m getting a little older you know I was I was sitting in my backyard the other day and I saw this bird and I was like oo wonder what kind of bird that is wish I could see it up close wonder what he’s eating right now then I realized I’m not getting old I’m just real high right now okay we’re having a good time let’s not forget we’re having a good time I’m like I’m not even sure that’s a bird a damn I’m not even outside you know what I mean okay I feel like weed’s done some good things though right like like for me weed really changed my perspective on skunks right me like when I was a little kid I’d be riding down the road with my mom and I’d smell that smell I’d be like what’s that smell she’s like oh that’s a skunk and I’d be like oo that’s gross right now when I’m rid down the road and I smell that smell I’m like where’d that skunk Get That Weed [Applause] At it smells so much like weed it makes me think that my mom was just smoking weed in the con I jump up out of the backseat I’m like what’s that smell she’s like oh oh that’s a skunk I didn’t even know you was in here right now you w supposed to be on this vacation on my way to get you a new wolf shirt in here just lay down back there put that Afghan on over here I used to get high L when I was younger well not like a little kid but in between the age of being a little kid and Al damn right now and um I got real high one time and I went to this gas station and I pulled up to the pump and I got out realized I pulled up to the wrong side of my car you know not a big deal got back in laugh for a while then I drove all the way around to the other side still on the wrong side I just just left you know what I mean you can’t mess up twice and still try to get gas I just took the Papa John sign off the top of my car in the back SE not trying to get fired too you know worst part was I prepaid and that’s just giving money away like I went inside I was like here’s a 20 let’s put that in your pocket I’m going to circle the parking lot a couple of times and I’m going take off you just get some lunch cuz you can’t go back in there right you can’t go back in be like hey man I just can’t figure out these PBS out here hell I tried a couple but yours are all on that same side and I can’t get in there you ever go to a place like that and you pay with cash they pull out that counterfeit pen start marking all your money right in front of you then when they give you change they give you back cash I’m always like let me hold on to that pen for a [Applause] second you don’t trust me I don’t trust you yeah I know it’s a one you know trying to roll around out here with counterfeit ones you know I want to go to two rodeos then when I go to the second one I want to go this ain’t my first rodeo okay I never had any family in the military but my sister did one tour with the Dollar General and uh I drank gas one time and I did drink gas not on purpose um wasn’t making a drink I was trying to get it out of a lawnmower put it into a four-wheeler so i’ go riding you know so I was stealing and I had never done it before I was using a garden hose or as I like to call it a hose pipe and uh a lot of people don’t know what a hose pipe is I feel like that I made up that word sometimes but I was all I knew is that you put one end into the garden ho one end into the lawnmower then you suck on the other end right and don’t drink the gas right but I didn’t even think about drink in the gas I was like this going to be fine right so I had a I gave it a big and nothing came right so I was like well I got to do better than that right so I start working my breath but before I do that I go ahead and cup it I don’t want to lose my progress you know start working it exhale inhale exhale inh really working it expanding the lungs you know I was a smoker so it was wasn’t a lot going on in there but uh you know but I put it back and then I I read had a huge exhale I think gas had worked its way most of the way up the house you cuz it was just waiting on me I wasn’t ready I gave it a big and immediately drank a lot of gas like it was too quick I wasn’t ready told my stomach my lungs I was crying gas I freaked out I don’t know if you’ve done this before but there’s a moment where you’re like this is not good instincts kicked in I ran inside started drinking a bunch of water I ended up just throwing up all this gas and then it was fine but I burped up gas for like two weeks yeah I had to quit smoking’s going to light myself on [Applause] fire that works that that’s better than chanting you know I mean I quit drinking allog together not just not just gas alcohol too I had to quit drinking cuz I used to black out all the time you know nothing good ever happens when you black out you know no one’s ever like man you blacked out last night but I appreciate you helping with those taxes a lot of money back I used to send a lot of drunk text I was always ruining friendships relationships just trying to be fun funny and uh I always wanted them to invent a cell phone breathalyzer you know that way when you’re leaving that bar at 2: a.m. looking at text that ex-girlfriend you Ved to never text again you just blow in there you go goes uh-uh not tonight you’re way too drunk for that you just get in your car and drive home I used to drink and drive a lot uh I’m not bragging about it but one time when I was 19 I was leaving this party with a buddy of mine and uh we were driving to meet these girls that lived in this trailer park and uh we had two unopened beers with us all we had to do was not open those beers right but we thought hey we’re going to be cool we’re going to crack open these beers that way when we show up at the trailer park we can get out and these girls will be like dang those guys don’t mess around they drink and drive cuz nothing turns on a girl from a trailer park like knowing she’s going to have to drive you to a couple of court dates she loves knowing that for the next 6 months she’ll have somebody to ride shotgun in her car she can give rides too right so that’s what we did we cracked them open couple of Bud Lights we’re sipping on them put it in the center console then we got pulled over by a policeman and uh I knew that this policeman could see because he was driving a car and I knew he was going to see those two beers in the center console so I did the only thing I could do and I tucked him underneath the seat you know hoping maybe he didn’t have a sense of smell turns out he did have a sense of smell he asked me to step outside the car he was like have you been drinking tonight I was and I had but I lied and I said no no sir not even a little bit and he was like okay blow on my face and at this point I was just happy that he said face you know what [Applause] me so I blew on his face and uh he goes all right well I smell alcohol so be honest with me have you been drinking tonight and then uh I was like okay I had a couple of sips I was thirsty you know you know that line the I was so thirsty and the only thing around was beer so yeah I went to jail and uh but I got out you know I got out I called my brother-in-law to come pick me up from jail and he showed up to pick me up from jail in a dump truck turns out my my nightmare was a 5-year-old’s dream get to ride in a dump truck in a police car all in one day and that’s a good joke and uh you can’t make that up you know what I mean you ever hear people say that they tell you some story and they go you can’t make that up like you know what you can’t I didn’t but you can it’s called telling a lie people do that all the time we would tell lies all the time I still mess up with texting and stuff like that alcohol didn’t change nothing but uh autoc correct gets me in trouble all the time now I was texting with this girl the other day and she sent me this picture of her and I was like o I really like that and she said I got a million of them and I was like well keep them coming right but I spelled it like keep and then eem like keep them coming right well my phone autocorrected em to me which is way different it changes the whole [Music] tone that’s not what I was saying at all I had another girl she came over to watch a movie one night and when she left we had a great time and when she left I went to text great seeing you tonight but I typed one too many e in seeing and it autocorrected to seeding right so my text said great seed in you tonight which is a weird text but weirder cuz we didn’t even do anything right now she’s just wondering how long she fell asleep during that movie it’s not the kind of text I’m trying to send had another girl we went out several times and she text I love you and I meant to text I love you too but my phone auto corrected to I feel smothered all right you can’t make that up and uh we having a good time having a good time my parents got divorced when I was two uh then there was a custody battle and my mom lost uh so I had to go live with [Applause] her I feel like parents are different today than they were when I was a kid you know especially when it comes to pets right like today you might hear some parents say something like we got to take our cat to the vet right but when I was growing up my dad would be like we don’t have a cat anymore then that cat was gone I couldn’t even get mad about it I’d just be like well I hope we get another one he’s like well we’ll see what wanders up cuz we didn’t have real pets we just had prisoners of nature like a dog would wander up we’d chain him to a [Applause] tree now he’s ours we had the meanest cat you ever seen for about two weeks found out it was a posum and I told you we weren’t readers you know what I mean there was no internet back then we just thought it was a weird breed you ever seen a posum you’re not supposed to see him I don’t think they definitely designed for the night you know what I me scary animal growing up I thought all dogs were boys you know what I mean I thought all dogs were boys blew my mind when my dog Rodney had puppies you know dang Rodney what’s going on dude you get all these kids [Music] from you ever go to somebody’s house house and they got a dog that’s barking at you growling at you and they go ah he won’t bite I was like why you think that cuz he’s never done it before well maybe today is the day cuz he looks like he wants to bite they’re always like well he might lick you to death I’m like death who said anything about dying hell I’m just worried about being bitten I don’t even know why you brought up death I just think it’s a weird idea right cuz a dog looks like it wants to bite you right it’s like you show up at somebody’s house and there’s some guy in there with a knife he’s just doing like this huh and he’s like ah he won’t stab you yeah he might lick it it then yeah he’ll settle down in a [Applause] minute he just not used to being around people let him sniff you hey thank you very much guys I appreciate you coming out had a great time you guys are fantastic I appreciate you wo Experience Political Thought

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